Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 7
















12g: Anne Hathaway / Rihanna

Election Night

Mitt Romney.....Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney.....Kate McKinnon
Tagg Romney, Matt Romney, Josh Romney.....Taran Killam
Karl Rove.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior, "Mitt Romney's House -- Election Night" ]

[ dissolve to Romney standing on balcony ]

Mitt Romney: Ah, darn it! Darn it all to HECK! [ he chigs from a carton of milk ]

Ann Romney: Mitt? Mitt?

[ Mitt tosses the empty carton over the balcony as Ann steps forward ]

Ann Romney: Hello, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Ann!

Ann Romney: What are you doing out on the balcony all alone?

Mitt Romney: Ohhh... I'm just thinking.

Ann Romney: You ran a wonderful campaign, Mitt. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Mitt Romney: Hmm... Thank you, Ann. You're a FINE woman! Abnd I'm LUCKY to have you!

Ann Romney: And I'm lucky to have you! Now, come inside, Mitt. It's a wonderful party. Everyone's here.

Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Ann. In a moment.

[ Ann steps back inside ]

[ Mitt waits, then he pulls a hidden milk carton from under a potted plant, cracks it open and chugs ]

Mitt Romney: I still love you, America! I DO! But you've hurt my feelings very, very much!

Tagg Romney: Father!

[ Mitt hides the milk carton as Tagg Romney approaches ]

Tagg Romney: Hello, Father.

Mitt Romney: Ah, hello, Tagg!

Tagg Romney: I'm so VERY angry, Father!

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Tagg Romney: I wish I could PUNCH America in the FACE! I DO, I TELL YOU!!

Mitt Romney: Now, now, now... It's not a time for anger, Tagg.

Tagg Romney: So what's next for you, Father?

Mitt Romney: Well... I don't know, there's so much I want to see and do. I'd like to learn how may-o-naisse is made -- as I like mayonaisse very, very much.

Tagg Romney: Come inside, Father.

Mitt Romney: In a moment, Tagg. In a moment.

[ Tagg steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ]

Matt Romney: Father!

[ another Romney son approaches ]

Mitt Romney: [ hiding his milk carton ] Well, Tagg, I-I thought I told you to give me a moment?

Matt Romney: I'm not Tagg! I'm Matt! One of your other sons!

Mitt Romney: Oh. Of course! Of course, of course! Hello, Matt.

Matt Romney: Mother sent me to come get you, Father.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Matt Romney: Paul Ryan is dong feats of strength in the drawing room. She thought you'd like to see.

Mitt Romney: Yeah, well, I'd like to see him carry WISCONSIN!!

Matt Romney: Father!

Mitt Romney: Now, I'm sorry... that was uncalled for, I'm sorry.

Matt Romney: Have you been drinking? You smell like a dairy.

Mitt Romney: [ he holds up his milk carton ] What do you say... do you care to share a drink with your old man, huh?

Matt Romney: Father! I'm only 38! Now, come inside.

Mitt Romney: Ah, in a moment, Matt. In a moment.

[ Matt steps back inside, as Mitt chugs more milk ]

[ suddenly, Karl Rove approaches ]

Karl Rove: Hello, Mitt!

Mitt Romney: Hello, Karl Rove.

Karl Rove: I still think you can win Ohio. Look... now might not be the best time, but, uh... could I borrow $300 million...? Is that possible...?

[ Mitt grabs Rove and tosses him over the balcony ]

Karl Rove: I'm okay!

Josh Romney: Father!

[ another Romney son approaches ]

Mitt Romney: Oh, uh... Hello, uh...?

Josh Romney: Josh.

Mitt Romney: That's right! Hello, my son, Josh!

Josh Romney: Now, please come inside, Father. Donald Trump is doing a very amusing thing where he's racist.

Mitt Romney: Ah. You know what? In a moment, my son, Josh. In a moment.

Josh Romney: Okay.

[ Josh steps back inside ]

[ Mitt looks around for more stashes of milk, then removes his shoe and pulls a carton out of the heel ]

[ Ann once again approaches ]

Ann Romney: Mitt, the boys are worried! They've never seen you like this!

Mitt Romney: [ he tosses his carton over the balcony ] Oh, I'm fine! I'm fine, my dear Ann, I'm fine.

[ soft music begins to play ]

Ann Romney: Do you need another moment out here, Mitt?

Mitt Romney: Well, I'd like a moment with you. I'd like that very much. Perhaps we can stand on this balcony together, with our arms around each other.

Ann Romney: Well, I'd also like that very much.

[ Mitt steals a kiss from Ann's lips ]

Ann Romney: [ amazed ] My, oh my! What has gotten into you?

Mitt Romney: Ohhh... oh, I don't know, maybe TEN GALLONS OF MILK! Huh?

Ann Romney: Willard Mitt Romney!

Mitt Romney: Ah, I'm gonna be very, very sick tomorrow! But I'm also gonna be okay. Because I have you. Thank you, Ann.

Ann Romney: Thank you, Mitt!

[ music swells, as a heart superimposes over the couple, with the words "Mitt & Ann Forever" on the screen ]

Together: And "Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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