Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9


















12i: Jamie Foxx / Ne-Yo

Maine Justice

Sarah Ann Tucker.....Aidy Bryant
Ethan Vandermark.....Bobby Moynihan
Bailiff.....Jamie Foxx
Judge.....Jason Sudeikis
Congressman.....Charlie Day

[ open on station ID card ]

Announcer: You're watching WLBZ, Channel 2, Bangor, Maine. Up next: "Maine Justice".

[ cut to courtroom, with serious judicial soundtrack ]

Narrator: Meet the Plaintiff -- Miss Sarah Ann Tucker. She says the Defendant subletted her house and ran up the water bill. She seeks $500 in reimbursement.

Meet the Defendant -- Ethan Vandermark. He claims that the high water bill was due to a pre-existing leak.

Their fate will be decided according to the unique values of the great state of Maine. This is... "Maine Justice"!

[ cut to show graphics and title card, complete with bouncy jazz music ]

[ dissolve back to courtroom ]

Bailiff: ALL RISE for your Honorable Most ??

[ Judge approache his bench ]

Judge: Mmm-mmm-mmm! Alright there! Alright, now! Okay, y'all take a seat! Y'all take a seat, rigt here, right now! [ he bangs his gavel ] Okay? Alright, here we go! I'm about to serve up a heapin' spoonful of Maine Justice here! [ he wipes his chin with a handkerchief ] Mmm! Well, now, how you doin' today, Jesse?

Bailiff: Ooooooh-wee! This thick, humid air here... Get to it today, y'all!

Judge: [ wiping his brow ] Mmm-hmm, ooh-wee! That is true! We in Maine fo' sure! Mmm! Now, hello there, Miss Tucker.

Sarah Ann Tucker: [ fanning herself ] Hello, Your Honor!

Judge: Yeah! Yeah! Say -- how's your daughter doin'?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Oh, she's just fine, Your Honor. You know, she's goin' to school up there in the Connecticut!

Judge: Oh, yeah? Well, they got some good schools up there! you know that's true, that's true. [ he wipes his chin ] But I like to think you could learn a thing or two DOWN HERE in Maine, as well!

Bailiff: Hoo-hoo!

Judge: Uh-huh! And, uh, how are you doin' over there, Mr., uh -- who is he? -- Mr. Vanderkirk? Huh? VanderMARK? Is that what it is? Are you from out of town? Is that right?

Ethan Vandermark: That's correct. Hey -- what the hell is going on here?

Judge: Okay! Alright, now! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now, here we go! Miss Tucker? Uh, what's all this goin' on now about this here, with all this here mess now?

Sarah Ann Tucker: Well, Judge... I loant this man my house, and I wilfully included utilities.

Judge: Mmm.

Sarah Ann Tucker: But then, I come back and -- hoooo-wee! -- he done run up the water bill like somethin' I don't know what!

Judge: Mmm!

Ethan Vandermark: Okay, that's not true.

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!!! YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!!

Bailiff: Shut your mouth, boy! You in MAINE now, boy!

Judge: That's right!!

Bailiff: Bangor, Maine, baby!

Judge: Yep!

Bailiff: You gonna find a few things that's different around here!

Judge: That's right! You'd best watch yourself, boy, or you gonna find yourself HOG-TIED and tossed into a swamp full of gators, like that!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: Alligtors? In Maine?

Judge: Mmm!

Bailiff: You damn tootin'!

Judge: Yeah! 'Cause this here's MAINE JUSTICE right here!!

[ the courtroom gives a "Hoooo-weeeeee!!" ]

Judge: Okay, okay, alright, alright, alright, okay, okay, okay!! [ he bangs his gavel ] Order in my courtroom! Order in my -- y'all shut your butts! That's right! [ he wipes his chin ] Okay, now this man right here may not be from around these parts, but let's see what this little crawdaddy gotta say!

Ethan Vandermark: Um... okay. Well, may wife and I hve always wanted to go to Maine, so --

Bailiff: Damn right!

Judge: Mmm-hmm!

Bailiff: Home of Jazz, baby!

Judge: That's right!

Bailiff: Mardi Gras! Steve Ontkean!

Judge: That's right!

Ethan Vandermark: [ stunned ] Right... Anyway... we rented this house, and I guess there was a leak in the basement, but we didn't realize it. THAT'S why the water bill was so high.

Sarah Ann Tucker: He's lyin'! He's lyin' like a VIPER in the red Maine mud!

Ethan Vandermark: I'm not lyin'!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Oh, wo, wo, wo!! Hey, next time you interrupt a woman in MY courtroom, we gonna send you off to a LIGHTHOUSE crawlin' with GATORS!!

[ the Bailiff claps his hands together like gator teeth ]

Ethan Vandermark: What?!

Judge: Okay, now! [ he wpes his chin ] There, there, there... mmm-hmm. Let 'im be, Jesse. Let up.

Bailiff: [ still clapping his hands together ] Oh, I hate gators!

Judge: I know it, I know it! Don't give me that! Now, Miss Tucker -- I believe you had a WITNESS you want to call?

Sarah Ann Tucker: That's right. I call Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey.

Judge: Alright!

[ the Congressman enters through a side door, clutching a piss jar ]

Bailiff: Do you swear you're gonna tell the truth and nothin' BUT the truth, baby?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Awwww, HELL, yeah!!

Judge: Okay, alright, yeah! [ he wipes his chin ] Uh, now -- Congressman Carrey? Uh, what did you did see up in there?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: [ in heavy Cajun accent ] Uhhhhhhh... I seen this fool, he bin runnin' his water all day!

Judge: Yeah?

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Yeah, like he's tryin' to drink up the whole bayou, or somethin'!

Judge: Yeah! [ he laughs ]

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: I be like, "Hey! Hey! Whatchoo tryin' make a fool out of her?!" his ain't no Bon Tempe Roulette, my friend, 'cause there ain't NOBODY make a fool outta the good people of Maine, exceptin' the Lord Himself!

Judge: That's right!

Ethan Vandermark: I don't even know what this little weirdo is saying!

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! That little WEIRDO'S an EIGHT-TERM CONGRESSMAN!!

Bailiff: That man right there's a New England treasure, baby!

Judge: That's right! Son, I WARNED you about smartin' off, and I don't know if you GET where you IS! But you in MAINE now, BOY! The only place you can fill a jarful of maple syrup as it drips directly from a bald cypress tree, lessen a voodoo lobster get to it first!!

Ethan Vandermark: What?! Can someone please explain to me WHAT is going on?!

Judge: Okay, alright. Well, look here, look here. [ he wipes his chin ] Maybe we all relocated heres after Katrina, but we don't wanna change our ways, right?

Bailiff: Or maybe we part of some kind of courtroom exchange program, baby!

Judge: Yeah!

Sarah Ann Tucker: Yeah, or maybe there's a space-time portal, and we spend half our tme in Maine and half in New Orleans, and we've started to mix the two up!

Congressman Fenton Worthington Carrey: Tht's what it is!

Ethan Vandermark: [ rubbing his head ] I am SO confused...

Judge: [ banging his gavel ] Okay, alright, now! Here we go! I'm gonna make my ruling, okay?! Hmmmm... let's see. Mr. Vandermark?! I fine you guilty of bein' a FAST-TALKIN', WATER-WASTIN', NO-GOOD YANKEE!! [ as he pratically crawls over his bench ] That's right! And I hereby sentence you to eat one of the SPICIEST bowls of jambalaya you ever seen!!

Ethan Vandermark: [ incredulous ] That's the sentence?

Judge: Whooooooooo!! It's gonna be so spicy, sure, we gonna have to tie him up to Uncle Orville's airboat and drag his bare lily-white butt cross the swamp to put out that ass fire! [ the Bailiff cracks up laughing ] Ohhh, Jesse! That's what has to happen!

Bailiff: Ass fire!

Judge: That's right!! Ohhhhhhhhh!! That's just how I like doin' it down here in Bangor, Maine! 'Cause this here... [ he holds it for an extended moment, as the Bailiff laughs ] is MAINE JUSTICE!! [ he slams his gavel ]

[ suddenly, a Second Line breaks out across the courtroom ]

[ fade ]


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