Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





















Bit Players:


December 15th, 2012

Martin Short

Paul McCartney

None

The New York City Children's Chorus

Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Wiig

Paul Shaffer

Samuel L. Jackson

Tina Fey

Tom Hanks

Lorne Michaels

Alec Baldwin

Joe Walsh

Carrie Brownstein

John Solomon

Danielle Flora

The New York City Children's Chorus performs "Silent Night"


Montage


Martin Short's Monologue
Summary: Martin Short dances through the halls and sings about how Christmas is the horniest time of the year.

Transcript


A Tony Bennett Christmas
Summary: Tony Bennett's (Alec Baldwin) younger brother Jerry (Kenan Thompson) joins hi for Christmas festivities and an interview with Kanye West (Jay Pharoah).

Recurring Characters: Tony Bennett, Kanye West.


Royal Family Doctor
Summary: Rupert Smythe Pennington (Martin Short), a representative of the Royal Family, outlines the unusual requirements that Kate Middleton's doctor (Bill Hader) will need to perform throughout her pregnancy.

Recurring Characters: Queen Elizabeth II.

Transcript


You're A Rat Bastard, Charlie Brown
Summary: The Brooklynese version of a Charlie Brown Christmas stars Al Pacino (Bill Hader) as Charlie Brown, with Larry David (Martin Short) as Linus and many other celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Al Pacino, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Fran Drescher.


Paul McCartney with Joe Walsh performs "My Valentine"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Bar Mitzvah Boy Jacob (Vanessa Bayer) explains the story of Chanukah as though performing a comedy roast. The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party (Cecily Strong) has some choice rambling comments about the real meaning of Christmas.

Recurring Characters: Jacob, The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party.


What Up With That?
Summary: In a special salute to Christmas, Diondre Cole (Kenan Thompson) interrupts Samuel L. Jackson and Carrie Brownstein.

Recurring Characters: Diondre Cole, Vance, Lindsey Buckingham, Jackie Rogers, Jr.

Note: Samuel L. Jackson curses twice in this sketch, causing Kenan Thompson to ad-lib "That costs money!"


Paul McCartney with Dave Grohl, Krist Novoselic & Pat Smear performs "Cut Me Some Slack"


Old Friends
Summary: Old friends Mark (Fred Armisen) and Dennis (Martin Short) run into each other at Restoration Hardware during the Christmas holidays, and catch up on old, odd times.

Transcript


Pageant Auditions
Summary: Caleb (Martin Short) auditions to sing, but is reluctant to let his triangle player Monty (Paul McCartney) perform a song.

Note: This sketch breaks the fourth wall to enter right into McCartney's next musical performance.


Paul McCartney and The New York City Children's Chorus perform "Wonderful Christmas Time"


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




SNL Transcripts