Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers


Maurice.....Fred Armisen
Waiter.....Bill Hader
Danielle.....Jennifer Lawrence
Strange Man.....Jason Sudeikis
Claudio.....Taran Killam
Berna.....Cecily Strong
Concierge.....Kenan Thompson

[ Title card reading: 'Cinemax: Late Night presents the 1970s softcore classic Danielle: A Free European Woman' ]

Announcer: Coming up at 2am. The Cinemax classic, 'Danielle: A Free European Woman'.

[ cut to shots of a presumably French beach town in hazy, 70s color tone. A French song plays and the title reads: 'Danielle'. It's worth noting that everything is dubbed in a rapid, stilted tone ]

[ cut to a man sitting in a restaurant ]

Maurice: Excuse me, waiter. I was thinking of going to the beach today, Do you think I will see beautiful women?

Waiter: [ laughs ] You will find that they're everywhere here. This place is very, um...

Maurice: Sensual?

Waiter: Sensual yes.

[ both men laugh ]

Maurice: I'll... have another coffee.

Waiter: Right away. [ he leaves ]

[ Danielle walks in accompanied by a little jaunty, whistling theme song She air kisses him from behind ]

Maurice: Danielle, where have you been? I wanted to awaken and make love to you this morning.

Danielle: Maurice, I was at the outdoor market. I saw so many grotesque things, Maurice. Pigs feet, fish faces. But the food. I found it all so...

Maurice: Sensual?

Danielle: Yes, Maurice. Sensual. A strange man. He was looking at me.

Maurice: Did he want to make love to you?

Danielle: Yes. I'm sure he did.

[ flashback to Danielle at the outdoor market ]

Strange Man: [ at a fruit stand ] Mmm, eh, you are quite beautiful. Are you alone?

[ close up of Danielle's smiling, then slow zoom on the strange man's face, then cut to a naked man's torso above a woman's torso in a dark room. End of flashback ]

Danielle: You're not cross with me, are you, Maurice?

Maurice: Of course not, Danielle. I want you to... enjoy the pleasures of the body.

[ a couple enters the restaurant and goes over to Maurice and Danielle's table ]

Claudio: Ahh. Danielle, Maurice. I trust you are passing a good holiday.

Maurice: Claudio, my wish is to spend my entire life as a holiday.

[ The couple chuckles ]

Claudio: This is my fourth wife, Berna.

Danielle: We saw the two of you making love on your balcony yesterday.

Claudio: Ohh...

Danielle: You seemed happy.

Berna: You speak so plainly.

Danielle: We did the same. But we were on the beach. And seals gathered all around us. Loud, smelly seals. I laughed as if I were at the zoo.

Maurice: Did you climax?

Danielle: I think I did.

[ Danielle's theme song plays as she eats a piece of fruit coyly, cut to a woman dropping her robe, shown from the feet down. Cut back to the intrigued restaurant couple. Suddenly a bunch of kids come rushing over to the table ]

Kids: Money! Money! Money! Give me money!

Maurice: Damn pan children.

[ Danielle laughs ]

Berna: Get out of here!

Danielle: Don't scream at them. They only want to laugh. [ she gets up from her table ] Look at me children! [ she puts a folded tablecloth napkin on as a hat and smears some cream on her nose ] I'm a buffoon!

Claudio: Ah, did you see what she did there?

[ Maurice just shakes his head and chuckles ]

Danielle: Here children, take everything. Take money. Diamonds. Take it all!

[ the kids rush off with their pan-handled goods. The others laugh again. ]

Berna: Danielle, you truly are of another world.

Maurice: [ gets up from his table ] Danielle, I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.

Claudio: Me too.

Berna: So am I.

[ close up shot of the waiter ]

Waiter: Danielle.

[ back to the two couples ]

Danielle: Let's all take horses and ride them to the white cliffs.

Maurice: That's a wonderful idea.

[ the concierge walks over to them ]

Maurice: Concierge?

Concierge: Yes?

Maurice: Uhh, is there a way we can hire horses to go to the cliffs?

Concierge: You have to reserve them. Almost a year in advanced.

Danielle: But it's in the brochure.

Claudio: [ glancing at his wife ] Ah, what?

Maurice: You should let your customers know.

Concierge: I know. We are trying to amend that. My apologies.

[ the concierge leaves ]

Claudio: Yes. I think I will go upstairs and take a nap.

[ Claudio leaves and there's a long stretch of silence ]

Maurice: [ to Berna ] Are you... staying down here?

Berna: I'm not tired.

[ another stretch of silence ]

Maurice: Let's go upstairs and have sex in the bed.

[ Danielle gasps softly and goes all wide-eyed. Freeze frame on her face as the title 'Danielle' pops up beside her and her theme song plays ]

[ fade ]

Submitted by: Sunnie S.

SNL Transcripts