Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 11

12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Post Hunger Games News Conference

Seneca Crane.....Bill Hader
Peeta Mellark.....Taran Killam
Katniss Everdeen.....Jennifer Lawrence
Reporter #1.....Kenan Thompson
Reporter #2.....Bobby Moynihan
Reporter #3.....Tim Robinson
Reporter #4.....Cecily Strong
Reporter #5.....Jay Pharoah

Announcer: [ over stock film footage ] Congratulations to the winners of The Hunger Games! -- Katniss Everdeen and Peeta Mellark!

[ dissolve to title card: "10 Minutes Later" ]

[ open to Katniss and Peeta seated with Seneca Crane at a news conference ]

Seneca Crane: Thank you for coming to the Post Hunger Games press conference. Catniss and Petta -- our winners -- will be happy to answer your few brief questions.

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #1: Uh, if you don't mind my asking, um... What the hell kind of name is "Katniss Everdeen"?

Katniss Everdeen: Well... Everdeen is an old District 12 name, and... "Katniss", my grandmother came up with. She had a pretty severe speech impediment, and we never really knew if that was what she had in mind. [ she looks over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yeah, Katniss -- I really enjoyed your performance out there today.

Katniss Everdeen: Thank you.

Reporter #2: I found it helped take my mind off the constant, crippling hunger I feel every day. I'm just absolutely starving all the time.

Katniss Everdeen: [ chuckling ] Been there!

Reporter #2: Yeah. So, my question is -- and maybe you're not the best person to ask: Is there going to be a buffet or a boxed lunch after this press event?

Seneca Crane: I think we made it very clear... that there would be no refreshments today.

Katniss Everdeen: Yes?

Reporter #3: Uhhh -- first of all, Congratulations.

Katniss Everdeen: Thanks.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Thank you.

Reporter #3: Uh... I was talking to Katniss.

Peeta Mellark: [ meekly ] Sorry.

Reporter #3: Did you have a chance to speak with any of the other competitors after the game? If so, What was their mood?

[ Katniss and Peeta stare at one another ]

Katniss Everdeen: They're all dead...

Reporter #3: [ stunned ] Really? All of them?

Katniss Everdeen: Yes.

Reporter #3: [ confused ] Is that... unusual?

Katniss Everdeen: No. That's how The Hunger Games work.

Reporter #3: Uhhh... my apologies. I usually cover the GOLF beat! [ he laughs nervously ] Our HUnger Games guy is on vacation, so...

Katniss Everdeen: [ glancing over ] Yes?

Reporter #2: Yes. Is it possible to get some branches or roots to gnaw on? Because I am SOOO hungry.

Seneca Crane: There will be no food. Not even branches.

Reporter #4: Uh... question for Katniss. Obviously, one of the key moments is when you killed that girl from Distrct 1, with genetically-engineered wasps. Uh -- can you take us through that?

Katniss Everdeen: Well, it was pretty basic -- I was high up in a tree, directly above her... the wasps' nest was on a branch; I sawed it off, and the nest landed right on her. Just like we drew it up in practice.

Reporter #4: Perfect execution.

Katniss Everdeen: Well, you gotta give a lot of credit to the wasps -- they were great.

Seneca Crane: Guys... can we try to get a couple of questions for Peeta here? [ Peeta meekly raises his hand ] Just one question for, uh, for Peeta?

Reporter #1: Uh, yeah, over here. Uh, Peeta -- You got a leg injury on the second day, and then you decided to disgusuie yourself with paint, to look like a rock.

Peeta Mellark: That's right.

Reporter #1: Now... when you did that, were you thinking: "This is cool. People at home or gonna be really into this." Or, were you thinking: "This stinks! I stink at this!"

Peeta Mellark: What? Well, I mean, there's more to the games than manly aggression or testosterone. Sometimes you have to use your guile and cunning.

Reporter #1: By painting yourself like a rock?!

Seneca Crane: [ sternly ] I think he answered that question! Let's keep this moving. [ he looks among the reporters ] Yes?

Reporter #5: Uh, uh, uh, yeah -- There's been a lot of talk recently about PEDs. Uh, Katniss, uh -- Have you been using performance-enhancing drugs?

Katniss Everdeen: Absolutely not.

Reporter #5: Okay, uh -- follow-up for Peeta: Have you been using performance-reducing drugs? [ Reporter #1 guffaws loudly ] I'm just playing! I'm just playing!

Seneca Crane: Does anybody else have a question?

Reporter #3: Uhhhh -- I have one. Uh... what's with your BEARD?!

Seneca Crane: [ scrunching his eyes ] My beard?

Reporter #3: No -- the other guy with an insane beard. Yeah, YOU!!

Seneca Crane: I'm not here to talk about my beard.

Reporter #1: Oh, yeah -- I bet you HATE it when people talk about your beard!

Seneca Crane: We just had the first Hunger Games in history with two winners. NO ONE wants to ask about that?

Reporter #1: Oh, well, I will! Uh -- There are allegations that you pretended to be in love so that you both could win. Uh, how do you address that?

Katniss Everdeen: Ugh! You gotta ignore rumors like that. We are TOTALLY in love.

Reporter #1: [ skeptical ] Really?

Katniss Everdeen: Why is that so hard to believe?

Reporter #1: Well, for one -- you're so much taller than him.

Katniss Everdeen: I'm not that much taller than him.

Reporter #1: Well, then, stand up!

Katniss Everdeen: Fine. [ she stands ]

Peeta Mellark: [ not moving ] And I've been standing this whole time.

Seneca Crane: That's it! No more questions!

Reporter #2: [ quickly ] When you shave, can I eat the beard?!

Seneca Crane: This press conference is OVER!

[ the short Peeta hobbles away from the table, as Katniss and Seneca follow suit ]

[ fade ]

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