Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11














12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Love Letters

Madeline Cook.....Jennifer Lawrence
Greg Dorfman.....Tim Robinson
Abraham Lincoln.....Bill Hader

Announcer: [ over black-and-white footage ] The Civil War rages into its fourth summer, as two lovers exchange a series of letters. Here, now, is the correspondence between Madeline Cook of Birmingham and her fiancee, Private Greg Dorfman of the 11th Vermont Infantry.

[ dissolve to Madeline writing her letter ]

Madeline Cook: "My Dearest Gregory... I long for your touch, your tender embrace. And I pray for the Good Lord to end this cursed war and return you safely to my arms. Your Love, Madeline."

[ cut to Gregory writing his response in an outdoor tent ]

Gregory Dorfman: "Dear Madeline... Hey, what's up! I miss your body so much. Oh, my God, you're so hot! What else can I tell you? Oh! We took a picture of our unit yesterday, with a real camera and everything! We had to stand still for like five minutes. I had my BALLS out the entire time!"

[ dissolve to group photo of soldiers, with Greg pointing at his exposed pixellated balls ]

Gregory Dorfman: "The General said I ruined the picture, but... whatever! He hates me. Hey! You should send a tit pic, or something. I'm getting SUPER horny. Later!"

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: "My Darling Gregory... my heart leapt when your letter arrived. But, I must confess: I would like you to make an effort and more eloquently share your feelings with me. For my love for you could fill the deepest ocean. Yours Forever, Madeline."

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: "Dear Madeline: I'm not gonna lie. I was little disappointed when I opened your letter and didn't see a tit pic. I told a lot of people it was coming. I looked like a real horse's ass. Oh! I forgot to tell you! Yesterday, I saw this guy get his HEAD blown off! [ he laughs to himself ] In conclusion... the TIT PIC! Make it happen! PEACE!!"

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: "Dearest Gregory... as I look upon the leaves and the oak tree outside my window --" [ she scratches this out and starts over ] "You know, I feel I must address this "tit pic" issue. It's NOT gonna happen! Let it go! I'm starting to think we may just be two different people, going in two different directions."

[ cut to Gregory sitting in a hospital bed ]

Gregory Dorfman: "Dear Madeline. Um... are you breaking up with me? Well, you're gonna feel like an ASS! Because I was SHOT! For treason! It's a long story... I showed some guy a map or something, then everybody got PISSED and they shot me. Please don't break up with me. And, more importantly -- please reconsider the T.P.!"

[ cut to Madeline ]

Madeline Cook: "Gregory... we are through. Harold Thompson has returned honorably from battle. I have accepted his proposal of marriage and BURNED the photograph you sent me of your genitals with the inscription: "Now, you.""

[ cut to Gregory ]

Gregory Dorfman: "Dear Madeline: Okay, I get it! Clear as day! You don't want any part of me -- fine! Juat need to ask you a favor: Please go to my mother's house in Bakersfield. Tell her I love her. Then go in the basement. There's a camera down there. Set it up... take your shirt off... take a picture... send that picture to ME! It's the least you could do. Well, this is MY last breath!"

[ Gregory's body jolts as he lays dead across his bed ]

[ suddenly, Abraham Lincoln enters the frame, feels Gregory's pulse, then turns to the camera and cries ]

[ dissolve to black-and-white photo of Gregory, with CAPTION: "Private Gregory Dorfman: 1836-1864" ]

[ fade ]


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