Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 11


















12k: Jennifer Lawrence / The Lumineers

Johnny Two Tones

Girlfriend.....Vanessa Bayer
Boyfriend.....Bobby Moynihan
Tammy.....Nasim Pedrad
Dee Dee.....Aidy Bryant
Brenda.....Jennifer Lawrence
Other Couple.....Taran Killam, Cecily Strong
Donnie.....Bill Hader

[ open on interior, Johnny Two Tones ]

Girlfriend: I can't beleive I've never eaten here!

Boyfriend: Yeah! It's the BEST! It's like taking a time machine back to Mel's Diner. And the best part is -- all the waitresses are rude to you, ON PURPOSE! Watch!

[ Waitress Tammy appears ]

Tammy: Hey, welcome to Johnny Two Tones! Oh! Where'd you get that shirt, hon? -- Abercrombie & YICK?! Oof! [ the couple laughs ] Okay. Someone will be back to take your order -- Don't hold your breath! [ she throws menus on the table ] Ah, on second though -- DO hold it! Pee-yoo! [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] That was a RIOT! She was SO darn sassy!

Boyfriend: Yeah, maximum sass! Look -- here comes another one!

[ Waitress Dee Dee appears ]

Dee Dee: Oh, great -- Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dump! What can I getcha?

Girlfriend: Okay -- I'll have the Patty Melt and a Coke.

Dee Dee: A terrible choice.

Boyfriend: Yeah -- and I'll have a root beer float and the meat loaf.

Dee Dee: Oh! One loaf for the big oaf. [ she collects their menus and exits ]

Girlfriend: [ laughing ] This is a delight!

Boyfriend: I know! I told you, right?

Girlfriend: [ looking up, as Waitress Brenda appears ] Here we go!

Boyfriend: Uh-oh!

[ Brenda pours water in their glasses without a word ]

Boyfriend: Thank you!

Girlfriend: Great!

Boyfriend: Hey, aren't you gonna... hurl insults at us?

Brenda: [ glaring at him ] You're stupid. [ she turns to glare at Vanessa ] And I HATE you. [ she exits ]

Girlfriend: [ shrugging ] Well... she was not as fun.

Boyfriend: Yeahhhh... sge mught be new. I don't think I've ever seen her here before.

[ Dee Dee returns with their drinks ]

Dee Dee: Okay -- we've got a Coke and a root beer, and speaking of roots -- Honey, I could see yours coming from a mile away!

Boyfriend: [ laughing ] She got you! [ to Dee Dee ] Hey, can I get a straw?

Dee Dee: Ugh! Hey, Brenda -- could you get these turkeys some straws?

[ Brenda re-enters sullenly with the straws ]

Brenda: You're trash! You're BOTH trash! And the saddest part... is that you know... that all you are... is garbage.

Boyfriend: [ stunned ] Okay... yeah... cool, that was a good one...

[ she crumbles a straw wrapper in her hand and tosses it into Boyfriend's Coke ]

Brenda: That water is from the toilet. [ she circles Bobby and glares at him ]

Girlfriend: You know what? I'm sure she's just kidding.

Boyfriend: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Totally! Totally!

[ Tammy re-appears ]

Tammy: Okay, numbskulls -- you ready for your grub?

Boyfriend: I guess.

Tammy: Good! Brenda's got it right here!

Boyfriend: Okay... alright.

[ Brenda re-appears, coughing into their plates of food ]

Girlfriend: Um -- this looks great.

Brenda: You peaked in high school, and now you'll sleep with anyone who'll ask.

Girlfriend: Okay.

Brenda: [ to Boyfriend ] And you're gonna DIE! In your BATHROOM!

Boyfriend: Wait -- like Elvis?

Brenda: Yeah! Except NO ONE will miss you! [ she flings his food in his face ] Enjoy your lunch. [ she exits ]

Boyfriend: Come on, with the mashed potatoes! [ he tastes it ] Okay, these are NOT mashed potatoes.

[ Dee Dee re-appears ]

Dee Dee: Okay, ding-a-lings, how's your food? Not like I care!

Boyfriend: Actually, you know what? I think we're gonna leave.

Dee Dee: Oh? Why?

Girlfriend: Well, Brenda kinda tore us a new one.

Dee Dee: What? Brenda's our most popular waitress.

[ reveal Brenda yukking it up with another couple, then she holds up a sharp knife at Bobby ]

Boyfriend: Oh, that does not make me feel better.

Girlfriend: Yeah. We'd like to talk to the manager -- right now.

Dee Dee: Okay. Have it your way. [ calling ] Donnie!

[ Donnie saunters forward ]

Donnie: Heeeeeyyyy, I'm Donnie! Da manager! Is there a problem?

Boyfriend: Well... we're kind of unhappy with our service, Donnie.

Donnie: I'm sorry. You know what? How about if we give you guys some free desserts?

Girlfriend: Oh! That's something!

Boyfriend: That's actually very nice of you. Thank you, we appreciate that.

Donnie: Okay. [ calling ] BRENDA!! Come back here!

Boyfriend: [ to Vanessa ] You see? It's a good place, it's a good place.

[ Brenda returns with sundaes ]

Boyfriend: Oh, nice! A little sundae...

Girlfriend: Cool!

[ Brenda squirts whipped cream into Bobby's hair, as Donnie follows suit with Vanessa's hair ]

[ fade ]


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