Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 12






















12l: Adam Levine / Kendrick Lamar

Firehouse Incident

Mario.....Kenan Thompson
Clem.....Taran Killam
Jerry.....Adam Levine
Rula.....Nasim Pedrad
Brice.....Bill Hader
Doug.....Bobby Moynihan
Girl.....Cecily Strong

[ open on firehouse exterior ] [ dissolve to interior social gathering ]

Mario: Well... it looks like our little department fndraiser is a BIG success!

Clem: Yeah, if we can just get a couple of new hoses out of it, that would be HUGE for us.

Mario: [ glancing off-camera ] Uh-oh.

Clem: What?

Mario: Looks like Jerry's talking to Brice's ex-girlfriend, and he is NOT gonna like that.

[ reveal Jerry talking to Rula ]

Clem: Really? Brice seems like such a mellow guy.

[ suddenly, Brice appears, and he's steamed ]

Brice: [ high-pitched voice ] Hey, fellas! [ his shoulders huff and puff ]

Clem: Hey, Brice. Yuo having a good time?

Brice: Do I LOOK like I'm having a good time, CLEM?! Does ANYNE want to tell me why JERRY'S talking to RULA?!!!

Mario: Brice, is it... is it really that big of a deal?

Brice: Uhhh -- YEAH!! Actually, it IS, Mario!! She's only my EX-GIRLFRIEND!!

Clem: Sorry, I-I'm not following, Brice. Didn't it end badly between you guys?

Brice: Noooo, it ended awesome -- [ outraged ] WHAT DO YOU THINK?!!! And now, he's over there talking to her, for like FIFTY THOUSAND MINUTES!!!

Mario: Okay, calm down.

[ Jerry steps forward ]

Jerry: Hi, Brice! Hey, guys!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh, hello, JUDAS!!! You having fun with RULA?!!

Jerry: Hey, come on, Brice. You guys dated a decade ago.

Brice: Ohhhhh! Is nine years a decade?! Did they change it to that?! [ outraged ] YOU MAKE ME SIIIIICKKK!!! Is this how our firefighters TREAT EACH OTHER?!!! Did you see "Backdraft"?!! You should be SHUNNED!! [ pointing accusingly ] SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!! SHUN HIM!!!...

[ suddenly, Doug sidles into the scene and joins Brice in yelling "SHUN HIM!!!" ]

Clem: Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on, get out of here, Doug!

[ Doug exits, as Rula steps forward ]

Rula: Hey, guys! Hey, Brice!

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh! Hello, RU-LA!

Rula: [ innocently ] What are you guys talking about?

Brice: What do you think, Nancy Drew?! [ furious ] How could you DO THIS TO ME?!!! We went out for TWO weeks!!!

Rula: Yeah. And then I tried to kiss you, and you threw hot tea in my face.

Brice: Ohhhhhhhh!!! And so you come to OUR fundraiser, and you shake your little APPLE butt?! You skanky little PROSTITUTE!!!

[ the guys react negatively to this unneccesary allegation ]

Brice: SHUT UUUUUUPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPP!!! SHUT UUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPP!!! You set this whole party up, because you LOOOOOOOOOOOVE drama!!

Doug: [ sidling up ] Yeah, Clem -- you're a drama queen!

Clem: DOUG!!

[ Doug shirks away ]

Jerry: Hey, Brice? You're the one being a drama queen. Nothing's going on here.

Brice: Yeah! You're right, Jerry! Because this party is... OVER!!! [ he yanks the cord from the humidifier ]

Jerry: You -- you just unplugged the humidifier. You clearly just want the attention.

Brice: [ outraged ] That is a LIE, JERRY!!! Now, I'm gonna DANCE!! And NO ONE is invited!! Put on my iPod!!

[ Brice's soundtrack comes on, and he begins to dance by himself to "All Eyes On Me" ]

Jerry: He may be a great firefighter, you guys, but he's a handful.

Clem: I mean, I've never heard him say two words before. He usually just hangs out and he's pretty quiet.

Mario: Yeah, until you talk to his woman.

Brice: I'm having... A MELTDOWWWWWNNNNNN!!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHICH WAY IS UP!!! I'M ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!!! OKAYYYYYY???!!!!

[ a Girl walks past, glancing at her iPhone ]

Girl: Hey, you guys see they just cancelled that show "Don't Trust the B in Apt. 23"?

Brice: [ devastated ] WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! NOT THE B!!!!! THAT'S BONKERRRRRRRRSSSSSS!!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! WHAAAAAATTTTTT???!!! YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING MEEEEEEE!!! Where's that stupid dog?! [ he looks down ] Oh! There he is! [ he grabs the dalmatian ] Open the window! Open the window!!

[ Doug is slow to open the window, and in the meantime the dalamatian wrestles Brice to the ground ]

Clem: Are you okay, man?!

Brice: [ stands and catches his breath ] I'm out of here! Goodbye, Ru-la! JERRY!! [ to Doug ] Where's my coat?! GIVE ME MY COAT!! [ Doug helps Brice into his fur coat, leopard-spotted hat, and scarf ] In the words of my hero, Ms. Mary J. Blige: "I'm leaving this fire house... and I ain't NEVER COMING BACK!!!"

Jerry: Brice. You can't leave, you're on duty.

Brice: WATCH ME!!!

[ Brice jumps on the fire pole, then slowly inches his way down until he disappears from the scene ]

Jerry: Man... that was totally uncalled for.

Rula: You know what? [ smiling ] I got the reaction I wanted.

[ fade ]


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