Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 14


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Air Date:

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Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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February 16th, 2013

Christoph Waltz

Alabama Shakes

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Triumph Cruise
Summary: Triumph Cruise directors (Jason Sudeikis, Cecily Strong) try to keep passengers calm with onboard entertainment as the situation deteriorates around them.

Transcript


Montage


Christoph Waltz's Monologue
Summary: Despite being from Austria, Christoph Waltz endures German stereotype gags, then sings the Austrian favorite "Smile, Damn You, Smile!"


What Have You Become?
Summary: Game show format examines the empty lives of its host (Christoph Waltz) and contestants (Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Aidy Bryant).

Transcript


Papal Securities
Summary: Spokesman (Jason Sudeikis) gives retiring Pope Benedict XVI (Christoph Waltz) the kind of financial advice he needs to survive on a fixed income.

Transcript


Tiffy
Summary: At a party, Tiffy (Nasim Pedrad) always comes in late to the conversations of her social peers.


Djesus Uncrossed
Summary: In a new movie by Quentin Tarantino, Jesus (Christoph Waltz) rises from the dead and conquers his enemies with a deadly sword.

Transcript


JaMarcus Brothers
Summary: Couple (Cecily Strong, Taran Killam) enjoys the romantic soul stylings of the JaMarcus Brothers Marcus (Kenan Thompson) and Darnell (Jay Pharoah), but cringe at the inexperienced stylings of their adopted white brother Englebert (Christoph Waltz).

Transcript


Alabama Shakes performs "Hold On"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Sen. Marco Rubio (Taran Killam) explains his awkward water grab while rebutting President Obama's State of the Union Address. Russian native Olya Povlatsky (Kate McKinnon) comments on the meteorite that exploded over Russia this week. ESPN analyst Stephen A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) screams his comments about the turbulent season for the L.A. Lakers.

Recurring Characters: Stephen A. Smith.


Regine at the Club
Summary: While at a trendy club, Louis (Christoph Waltz) introduces his friends to his new girlfriend Regine (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Regine.


Fox & Friends
Summary: Steve Doocey (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer), and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) discuss President Obama's State of the Union Address with Ted Ngugent (Bill Hader), then question U.K. Food Standard agent (Fred Armisen) about England's horsemeat scandal.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocey, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Ted Nugent.


Alabama Shakes performs "Always Alright"


Secret Admirer Letter
Summary: Jennifer (Cecily Strong) is creeped out by a poorly-written secret admirer letter, unaware that it was sent by Dimitri (Christoph Waltz) the shy foreign security guard in her office.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




SNL Transcripts