Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Djesus Uncrossed

Jesus.....Christoph Waltz
Roman Soldier.....Fred Armisen
St. Peter.....Taran Killam
Pontius Pilate.....Kenan Thompson
Judas Iscariot.....Jay Pharoah

[ open on Restricted movie trailer ]

Announcer: This Summer! If you liked "Inglourious Basterds"... and "Django Unchained"...

[ reveal clips from both movies ]

Announcer: Then get ready for the ULTIMATE historical revenge fantasy...

[ reveal Jesus pushing aside the giant rock so he can exit his tomb ]

Jesus: Guess who's back!

[ title appears ]

Announcer: "Djesus Uncrossed".

[ cut to Romans fighting ]

Announcer: He's risen from the dead!

Jesus: [ wielding a sword from behind his cross ] Miss Me?

Roman Soldier: Kill him!!

[ Jesus joins the fight ]

Announcer: And he's preaching anything but forgiveness.

[ cut to more fighting scenes ]

Announcer: He may be wearing sandals... but he can STILL kick ass!

[ reveal carnage ]

Roman Soldier: Jesus H. Christ!

Announcer: The "H" is silent!

[ Jesus swings his sword and slices Roman Soldier's head in half ]

Announcer: With Brad Pitt as St. Peter.

St. Peter: [ to recruits, over killing footage ] I need me... eleven ay-postles! We're gonna be doing one thing, and one thing only: Kill Row-mans. The Row-man WILL be disgusted by us! The Row-man WILL talk about us! And the Row-man WILL fear us! Each of you owes me ONE-HUNDRED Row-man scalps!

Announcer: Ving Rhames as Pontius Pilate.

Pontius Pilate: Jesus! Oh, I ain't done with him by a damn sight! I'm gonna get Old Testement on his ass!

Announcer: And Samuel L. Jackson as Judas Iscariot.

Judas Iscariot: [ before Jesus ] Jesus! Oh, shit! CHILL, man! Chill!

Jesus: When you get to Heaven... say "Hi" to my Dad.

[ Jesus cocks his shotgun and fires a huge, gaping hole in Judas ]

[ cut to more footage of random violence from the hands and rifle of Jesus ]

Announcer: Critics are calling it: "A less violent Passion of the Christ." [ A.O. Scott ]

"I never knew how much Jesus used the N-word." [ Peter Travers ]

[ title card ]

Announcer: "Djesus Uncrossed".

[ cut to Jesus cocking his rifle ]

Jesus: No more Mr. Nice Jesus!

[ tag: "SUMMER 2013" ]

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts