Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Secret Admirer Letter

Jennifer.....Cecily Strong
Ben.....Kenan Thompson
Mark.....Bill Hader
Todd.....Jason Sudeikis
Jackie.....Vanessa Bayer
Dimitri.....Christoph Waltz

[ open on interior, office ]

Jennifer: [ holding letter at her desk ] What is this? Did anybody see this letter dropped on my desk?

Ben: No idea.

Mark: I don't know.

Todd: Hey, you got me.

Jackie: No clue.

[ Dimitri the security guard enters ]

Dimitri: Perhaps it's a... valentine from a secret admirer?

Jackie: [ piqued ] Ohhh! Read it! Ooh!

Jennifer: [ reading ] "To my sweet Jennifer doll, who I will own if in God's plans. I take you to woods and we sleep there a hundred years..."

Dimitri: [ innocently ] Oh, that's real sweet! Sounds like a real charmer!

Jennifer: Um...?

Jackie: Listen -- I think it's kind of creepy.

Jennifer: Listen to this: [ reading ] "I am a person who is closer than you think. I hope to grow closer by days, and... watching... waiting."

Jackie: [ disgusted ] Okay, you know, it sounds like a threat.

Dimitri: [ nervously ] Uh... even I see that was not the best choice of words -- [ quickly ] for whoever wrote it!

Jennifer: [ frightened ] "Closer than you think." Okay, this is someone who WORKS here! Okay, NO ONE leaves until we figure out WHO this is! Dimitri! You should be questioning people, while I read this psycho's manifesto!

Dimitri: "Manifesto" is, perhaps, a strong word...

Jennifer: [ reading ] "I want you and it makes me mad.There is something that I can't say, but we eat dish of milk and bananas together..."? Dimitri! ASK them!

Dimitri: Uh... Mark, did you write this?

Mark: Uh, let me think -- Did I write a broken English, crazy, foreign guy note? NO!!

Jennifer: [ reading ] "You are perfect, I am your mother. Ha ha ha! No."

Dimitri: Ben, I'm looking at you on this one...

Ben: And I'm looking right back at you, buddy!

Jennifer: [ reading ] "I want to screw with you. I take a long time. We will never be apart in the woods..."?

Dimitri: Yeah, that sounds more and more like Todd!

Todd: [ chuckling to himself ] Not your finest hour, my man!

Jennifer: Oh, my God! He must be stalking you, too, Dimitri! He included this SICK picture of you! Dimitri, show this to everyone!

[ Dimitri holds up the photo and winces ]

Dimitri: Oh, no... so many mistakes...

Jennifer: Yeah! It's really weird! He must have Photoshopped your head onto a DISGUSTING man's body wearing a tanktop and leaning on a car!

Dimitri: Jackie, did -- do you Photoshop this?

Jackie: No, Dimitri, that actually doesn't look Photoshopped. It kind of looks like something that really happened.

Jennifer: Oh, yeah, right! So Dimitri rented a LAMBORGHINI, which would cost HUNDREDS --

Dimitri: Four hundred.

Jennifer: Just to take this photo?! I mean, that would be CRAZY!

Dimitri: [ meekly ] Y-yes... I see that now.

Jennifer: Ugh! Okay, everybody, listen to this part: [ reading ] "Do not forget to remind me I have a peanut for you." Is this a penis? Is he talking about his penis?

Dimitri: [ defesively ] No, no... this one is not creepy at all! There, there is a country -- I know -- where a common joke is that you take out a ring box, and you say: "[ he opens a ring box with a peanut inside ] "I am proposing to you. No -- it is just a peanut!" You see? [ he laughs buffoonishly ] It is actually quite... quite a funny, sweet joke!

Jennifer: No. No. No, Dimitri, that sucks.

Mark: Yeah, that really SUCKS, Dimitri!

Dimitri: [ stung ] Yes. I see now tht it does suck.

Jennifer: [ furious ] Someone is LYING!! Dimitri, ASK them!!

Dimitri: Yes. Mark, did you do this?!

Mark: Buddy... [ he raises his hands and shrugs ]

Dimitri: Jackie, was this your own handiwork?

Jackie: Oh, Dimitri.... [ she shakes her head ]

Dimitri: Ben, you're awfully quiet!

Ben: [ laughing ] Come on, man!

Dimitri: Todd!

Todd: You gotta ask me the full question, Dimitri!

Dimitri: Yeah. Todd, did you reference a popular tradition from my village, in which you offer a peanut as a kind of fake proposal/traditious joke?

Todd: [ shaking his head ] NO, Dimitri!

Jennifer: Well, I guess we'll NEVER know who sent this! But, Dinitri, I'd feel safer if you came to lunch with me.

Dimitri: Yes, I hope to close... to grow close by... that... day's.... end...

Jennifer: Okay, let me just grab my things... [ she lifts hr purse to reveal another letter ] Wait a minute, what is this letter? [ she opens it to reveal a photo ] Oh, this is just a picture of some black guy's penis!

Ben: [ nervously ] What?! Who did this?! Who did that?! Mark, I'm looking at YOU, my man! Jackie, was it you?!

[ fade ]

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