Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 14

12n: Christoph Waltz / Alabama Shakes

Papal Securities

Spokesman.....Jason Sudeikis
Pope Benedict XVI.....Christoph Waltz

[ open on serene settings ]

Spokesman V/O: You've worked hard your entire life. You've tried to make sound financial decisions. But what will you do when you retire?

[ reveal close-up of Pope Bendict ]

Announcer: What will you do... after you're Pope?

[ cut to Pope reviewing stack of bills at his kitchen table ]

Announcer: Your spiritual future might be secure... but what about your financial future?

[ dissolve to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Here at Papal Securities, we give popes the kind of financial advice they need to survive on a fixed income.

[ Spokesman shows Pope a Retirement Investment Growth chart with different-sized papal hats ]

Spokesman V/O: Because in today's shifting financial landscape, no one is infallible -- even Popes.

[ cut to the Pope carrying a bag of groceries home, as it spills all over the street. He raises his arms and prays to God for mercy. ]

Spokesman V/O: We'll help you protect and grow the assets that you already have.

[ Spokesman assesses the value of a chalice ]

Spokesman: So you can focus on what matters most: Life.

[ cut to testimonial from Pope Benedict XVI ]

Pope Benedict XVI: Pa-pal Se-cur-i-ty made sure my fu-ture was... [ he smiles ] bright!

[ cut to empty chair, with tag: "No Other Testimonials Available" ]

Spokesman V/O: So call Papal Securities today -- and make sure your retirement years... are golden.

[ Spokesman kisses the Pope's ring, then wipes his mouth ]

[ cut to the Pope riding a bicycle built for two with his hat on the back seat ]

[ cut to the Pope serving dinner to a family ]

[ cut to the Pope playing with a rock-and-roll band ]

Spokesman V/O: Papal Securities. Helping popes retire since the last time it happened -- in 1415.

[ cut to Spokesman ]

Spokesman: Because Heaven... can wait.

[ fade ]

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