Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 15


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


March 2nd, 2013

Kevin Hart

Macklemore and Ryan Lewis

None

Wanz

Ray Dalton

None

A Message FRom the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) sequester

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.

Transcript


Montage


Kevin Hart's Monologue
Summary: Kevin Hart recounts the time he tried to keep his sandwich away from a homesless man, and the time he auditioned for "SNL" by performing impressions that didn't meet the grade.


Steve Harvey
Summary: Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) helps a man (Kevin Hart) conquer his perfectly rational fear of horses.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.


The Situation Room
Summary: With the announcement of Pope Benedict XVI's (Fred Armisen) retirement, Quvenzhané Wallis (Kevin Hart) is inexplicably chosen to become the new head pontiff.

Recurring Characters: Wolf Blitzer, Pope Benedict XVI.


Starbucks Verismo
Summary: Housewife (Vanessa Bayer) duplicates the tense Starbucks experience at home by brewing up an incompetent and beligerent cup of coffee in the privacy of her own kitchen.

Note: Repeat from 12k.


Barnes & Noble Firing
Summary: When the manager (Kevin Hart) at Barnes & Noble calls a meeting to announce a theft-related termination, Niff (Bobby Moynihan) and Dana (Cecily Strong) assume they're being accused of the crime and proceed to call out their co-workers for being a bunch of lame-asses.

Recurring Characters: Niff, Dana, Carl.


Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Wanz performs "Thrift Shop"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Dennis Rodman (Jay Pharoah) and Kim Jong-Un (Bobby Moynihan) are best friends. Seth Meyers and Kevin Hart ask "Really!?!" in response to the Voting Right Acts.

Recurring Characters: Dennis Rodman.


The Walking Dead
Summary: When they're approached by a black zombie (Kevin Hart), family tries to avoid defending themselves lest their actions be considered racist.


Shark Tank
Summary: Desperate to pay off his debts, Brian McShay (Kevin Hart) tries to convince the sharks to invest in his idea to put sunglasses on lamps.


Z Shirts
Summary: Cal (Tim Robinson) shows off his Z Shirt, but Brian (Kevin Hart) can't grasp the concept that it's not just an ordinary T-shirt.

Transcript


Recording Session
Summary: Patricia (Vanessa Bayer) and Dante (Kevin Hart) are the finalists in a competition to perform the voiceover on a Dove Chocolate ad.


Macklemore and Ryan Lewis with Ray Dalton performs "Can't Hold Us"


Funeral
Summary: During the funeral for Cal's (Tim Robinson) mother, Brian (Kevin Hart) finally grasps the concept behis his Z Shirt.

Transcript


360 News
Summary: News anchor (Kevin Hart) struggles to present the news from every camera angle after hurting his neck in a car accident.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Foam Night
Summary: Dance club fuels excitement by dousing the floor full of wet foam.


Coal Miner
Summary: A gossippy coal miner (Kevin Hart) talks endlessly about his fellow miners.


The G
Summary: A sampling of comedy programming scheduled to air on a gay-themed network.



SNL Transcripts