12o: Kevin Hart / Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
A Message From the President of the United States
President Barack Obama.....Jay Pharoah
Air Traffic Controller.....Cecily Strong
Border Patrol Agent.....Bill Hader
Lindsay Fulton.....Kate McKinnon
Zookeeper Jenkins.....Jason Sudeikis
Ms. Baine.....Aidy Bryant
Police Officer.....Tim Robinson
Construction Worker.....Kenan Thompson
[ open on empty stage, as President Barack Obama enters and stands behind his podium ]
President Barack Obama: Uhhh... Good evening, everyone, hello. As you probably know, last night I signed an executive order authorizing $85 billion in federeal budget cuts. Now, most Americans still donít understand what this whole sequester really means. I could explain it in financial terms or in human terms. But since I really have no idea about how money works -- or how budgets work -- Iíll go with human terms instead.
You see, weíre all going to feel the pain from these cuts. Even in the White House. From now on, my wife Michelle will only do, uhhhh... four television appearances a week, down from her usual 75. I also had to sit Joe Biden down and tell him that he couldnít order another Fathead poster for his bedroom wall.
But tonight, I want to show you some of the everyday men and women these cuts are going to affect. People like our air traffic controllers and our border patrol agents. [ an air traffic controller and a border patrol agent appear on either side of Obama ] Okay, how will your department handle budget cuts?
Air Traffic Controller: Well, before we can look at our radar screens, we have to watch a 20-second ad for Doritos. And we no longer have full body scanners at the airlnies, so we're asking everyone to take a photo down the front of their pants and just text that to us.
President Barack Obama: And, uhhh... and, Border Patrol?
Border Patrol Agent: We're gonna have to let, uh, every tenth Mexican just run across the border.
President Barack Obama: Thank you!
Border Patrol Agent: De nada!
[ they exit ]
President Barack Obama: The cuts also affect our space program, and astronauts like Major Lindsay Fulton.
[ astronaut appears ]
Lindsay Fulton: Thanks to the budget cuts, our space helmets will no longer have glass. [ she puts her hand through her helmet ] So when we go outside to repair the ship, we'll just have to hold our breath.
President Barack Obama: Thank you, Major.
Lindsay Fulton: Ah, I'll see you in space! [ she salutes and exits ]
President Barack Obama: These cuts will also affect our National Zoo here in D.C. Isn't that right, Zookeeper Jenkins?
Zookeeper Jenkins: Uh, that is right, yeah! You know, it's tough for me to say this, 'but we're gonna have to fire THREE of our monkeys. We're just gonna let 'em loose in the city! They'll be homeless, out in the streets, just tossing poop and ripping off faces! But on the plus side, Taco Bell and Ikea have made a VERY generous offer to buy some of our horses! So that's a relief.
[ Butcher enters frame ]
Butcher: Plus, there'll be cutbacks on MEAT INSPECTIONS!
President Barack Obama: [ distraught ] Yuo know what? We're gonna skip that one! okay? Let's skip that one for now! Thanks, guys!
Zookeeper and Butcher: Okayyyy!!
[ they exit ]
President Barack Obama: And, uh, soem employees will be outright let go, including inner city public schoolteachers like Ms. Baine here. [ Ms. Baine appears ] So, uh... who worked in one of Philadelphia's worst school districts. This must be so hard for you.
Ms. Baine: [ happy ] This is the GREATEST day in my entire life! Good luck reading "Beowolf", you monsters!! [ she exits ]
President Barack Obama: And, of course, these cuts will affect our military... [ Sailor appears ] Our civil servants... [ Police Officer appears ] Federal construction projects... [ Construction worker appears ] Even grants to Native Americans. [ Indian appears ] Ad I'm the one who has to tell these folks, uh... "Young men... uhhh, there's no need to feel down..." [ Sailor makes a "Y" with his arms ] "Young men... pick yourself off the ground..." [ Police Officer makes an "M" with his arms ] "Young men... just 'cause your finding is down..." [ Construction Worker makes a "C" with his arms ] "There's no need to... uhhh... be... uhhh... unhappy!"
[ the four men, whose uniforms now collectively resemble the Village People, have spelled out Y-M-C-A with their arms ]
President Barack Obama: Thank you, gentlemen.
Men: [ effeminately ] You're welcome...! [ they exit ]
President Barack Obama: So you see? We all have to make sacrifices. It will be a difficult road ahead. But trust me -- nine months from now, you wonít remember this sequester ever happened. Why? Because there will be another way worse financial crisis to deal with. So godspped, America. And "Live from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiiightttt!!!"