Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 16

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

Guest Writers:

March 2nd, 2013

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake


Paul Simon

Steve Martin

Dan Aykroyd

Chevy Chase

Martin Short

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

Candace Bergen

Andy Samberg


Michael Patrick O'Brien

Michael Che

Edi Patterson

Andy Samberg

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone

Memorial Service for Hugo Chavez
Summary: Elton John (Justin Timberlake) is offered money to eulogize Hugo Chavez with his latest rewrite of "Candle in the Wind".

Recurring Characters: Elton John.


Justin Timberlake's Monologue
Summary: Justin Timberlake joins the ranks of the Five-Timer's Club, where he gets to hang out with legends like Paul Simon and Steve Martin and force the cast members to fight for his amusement.


It's a Date
Summary: Bachelor #1 (Bobby Moynihan) realizes he won't win a date with Judy (Vanessa Bayer) when his competition is the "Dick in a Box" singers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) and the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Yortuk Festrunk, Georg Festrunk.


Summary: Sausage shop's Italian butcher mascot (Bobby Moynihan) faces competition from Veganville's dancing tofu mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.

Nuva Bling
Summary: The semi-effective diamond-encrusted birth control device that doubles up as glamorous jewelry.

Justin Timberlake with Jay-Z performs "Suit & Tie"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Stefon (Bill Hader) kists inappropriate places for tourists to celebrate Spring in New York.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.


Tales of Sober Caligula
Summary: After working to clean up his image, a newly-sober Caligula (Justin Timberlake) declares there will no longer be wild orgies within his empire and instead initiates Game Night activities.

Maine Justice
Summary: Implanted Judge Marshall T. Boudreaux (Jason Sudeikis) dishes another heapin' helping of Maine Justice in the case of a college boy (Andy Samberg) who ran a southern belle (Kate McKinnon) off the road).

Recurring Characters: Marshall T. Boudreaux.

Justin Timberlake performs "Mirrors"

She's Got a D!%k
Summary: A trailer for a new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and an Adorable Brunette (Nasim Pedrad) who happens to have male genitalia.

Recurring Characters: Eugene Levy.

Moet & Chandon
Summary: Former porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer), a fellow model (Cecily Strong) and V.I. Penis (Justrin Timberlake) promote the luxury of Moet & Chandon champagne.

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Model.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts


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