Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

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Bit Players:

Guest Writers:


March 2nd, 2013

Justin Timberlake

Justin Timberlake

None

Paul Simon

Steve Martin

Dan Aykroyd

Chevy Chase

Martin Short

Alec Baldwin

Tom Hanks

Candace Bergen

Andy Samberg

Jay-Z

Michael Patrick O'Brien

Michael Che

Edi Patterson

Andy Samberg

Akiva Schaffer

Jorma Taccone


Memorial Service for Hugo Chavez
Summary: Elton John (Justin Timberlake) is offered money to eulogize Hugo Chavez with his latest rewrite of "Candle in the Wind".

Recurring Characters: Elton John.


Montage


Justin Timberlake's Monologue
Summary: Justin Timberlake joins the ranks of the Five-Timer's Club, where he gets to hang out with legends like Paul Simon and Steve Martin and force the cast members to fight for his amusement.

Transcript


It's a Date
Summary: Bachelor #1 (Bobby Moynihan) realizes he won't win a date with Judy (Vanessa Bayer) when his competition is the "Dick in a Box" singers (Andy Samberg, Justin Timberlake) and the Festrunk Brothers (Dan Aykroyd, Steve Martin).

Recurring Characters: Yortuk Festrunk, Georg Festrunk.

Transcript


Veganville
Summary: Sausage shop's Italian butcher mascot (Bobby Moynihan) faces competition from Veganville's dancing tofu mascot (Justin Timberlake).

Recurring Characters: Mascot.


Nuva Bling
Summary: The semi-effective diamond-encrusted birth control device that doubles up as glamorous jewelry.


Justin Timberlake with Jay-Z performs "Suit & Tie"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Stefon (Bill Hader) kists inappropriate places for tourists to celebrate Spring in New York.

Recurring Characters: Stefon.

Transcript


Tales of Sober Caligula
Summary: After working to clean up his image, a newly-sober Caligula (Justin Timberlake) declares there will no longer be wild orgies within his empire and instead initiates Game Night activities.


Maine Justice
Summary: Implanted Judge Marshall T. Boudreaux (Jason Sudeikis) dishes another heapin' helping of Maine Justice in the case of a college boy (Andy Samberg) who ran a southern belle (Kate McKinnon) off the road).

Recurring Characters: Marshall T. Boudreaux.


Justin Timberlake performs "Mirrors"


She's Got a D!%k
Summary: A trailer for a new romantic comedy starring Justin Timberlake and an Adorable Brunette (Nasim Pedrad) who happens to have male genitalia.

Recurring Characters: Eugene Levy.


Moet & Chandon
Summary: Former porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer), a fellow model (Cecily Strong) and V.I. Penis (Justrin Timberlake) promote the luxury of Moet & Chandon champagne.

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Model.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Summary:



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