Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 16


















12p: Justin Timberlake

It's a Date

Dirk Ellington.....Bill Hader
Judy Peterman.....Vanessa Bayer
Bachelor #1.....Bobby Moynihan
Singer #1.....Andy Samberg
Singer #2.....Justin Timberlake
Yortuk Festrunk.....Dan Aykroyd
Georg Festrunk.....Steve Martin

Announcer: Welcome to "It's a Date"! The ONLY dating game show still on TV! Now, here's your host -- Dirk Ellington!

Dirk Ellington: [ running out ] Hello, everybody! And welcome to "It's a Date"! I'm Dirk Ellington, and I feel AWFUL! But enough about me. Let's meet our lovely bchelorette! She's a nurse from Bayport, with a penchant for making muffins -- please welcome Judy Peterman!

[ reveal Judy ]

Judy Peterman: Hey, Dirk! I'm happy to be here!

Dirk Ellington: Alright, let's meet tonight's bachelors! And, remember: Our audience can see them, but none of our contestants can see each other. First up: He's an architect looking to build a lasting relationship; Please welcome Bachelor #1!

[ reveal Bachelor #1 ]

Bachelor #1: Hi, Judy! Uh -- I can't see you, but your voice sounds lovely.

Judy Peterman: Ohhh! That's sweet!

Dirk Ellington: [ chuckling facetiously ] Uh, next up, we actually have a duo. They're best friends with pipes as smooth as baby butt lotion; Please welcome Bachelors #2!

[ reveal the "Dick in a Box" singers, in their first live setting ]

Singer #1: [ smoothly ] Hey, girl! [ smooth R&B music plays ] You sound like a real Tenderoni!"

Singer #2: "Tenderoni!"

Singer #1: "So come and take a ride with us..."

Judy Peterman: Wow! TWO bachelors for the price of ONE! How unexpected!

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it sure is! Now, let's meet our final contestant... Oh, that's weird -- it's also a duo! They're brothers originally from Czechoslavakia; Please welcome Bachelors #3!

[ reveal the Festrunk Brothers swinging and dancing ]

Yortuk Festrunk: Hellooooo, female American fox! I am Yortuk Festrunk, and now you will meet my brother Georg!

Georg Festrunk: Yo! Your swinging dream dates have finally arrived for YOU!

Yortuk Festrunk: So get ready to take a hike! Because we are...

Together: Two wild and crazy guys!

Bachelor #1: [ concerned ] I'm sorry... should I have brought a buddy?

Dirk Ellington: No, you're good! You're good! Let's begin. Judy, the floor is yours.

Judy Peterman: Okay! Bachelor #1: Describe your perfect date.

Bachelor #1: Uhhh -- well, I guess we would start out with cocktails at the peninsula, and then we would get naughty and skip right to dessert... [ he chuckles nervously ] And then, after that, we would just take a stroll in the moonlight.

Judy Peterman: [ unenthused ] That sounds okay. Bachelors #2: Same question.

Singer #1: Our day would go down like this. Listen: [ sexy music plays ] "First thing we'd do, is take you shopping."

Singer #2: "Oo-oo-ooh, down at the mall."

Singer #1: "Then lay you down slow and do you right."

Singer #2: "Both of us railin' on your BUTT!"

Singer #1: "Romance!"

Dirk Ellington: Sooooo, to recap: They would take you to the mall... and rail... on your BUTT! How does that sound, Judy?

Judy Peterman: [ laughing ] I don't hate it!

Bachelor #1: [ stunned ] Seriously?

Judy Peterman: Okay, Bachelors #3: Your perfect date?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay, Chief! Time to shoot the breeze!

Georg Festrunk: First on the date, we will have many bottles of sparkly wine... from Long Island!

Yortuk Festrunk: Then! Hold your horses, buddy! Because it's time for a personal ride in our own stretch limousine!

Georg Festrunk: Which we own... for work.

Yortuk Festrunk: Next thing you are knowing... you will want NO CLOTHES with us!

Georg Festrunk: And we'll all night -- we'll spend the night next to your BIG American breasts!

Dirk Ellington: Judy? Thoughts?

Judy Peterman: Well, they're very direct! And, these days, that's refreshing!

Dirk Ellington: Well, I find that answer refreshing!

Bachelor #1: [ matter-of-factly ] Oh, Iím going to lose.

Dirk Ellington: Next question!

Judy Peterman: Bachelor #1: What's your favorite place on Earth?

Bachelor #1: Well, I love the ice skating rink in Akron, whrre I grew up --

Judy Peterman: No. I don't like that. [she clears her throat ] Bachelors #2: It's raining out, and we have to stay in. Describe a night at home with me.

Singer #1: Hit it! [ sexy music plays ] "It's raining out..."

Bachelor #1: [ flummoxed ] Were you guys given the questions beforehand?

Singer #2: "Oo-oo-ooh, soaking WET!"

Singer #1: "We dry you off with an old rug."

Singer #2: "It's softerthan it sounds!"

Singer #1: "We'll get into bed, and watch, our favorite cartoon.
I'm talkin' 'bout:"

Singer #2: "Hewey.."

Singer #1: "AND!"

Singer #2: "Dewey..."

Singer #1: "AND!"

Singer #2: "Louie!"

Singer #1: "Duck Tales!"

Singer #2: "Whoo-ooh!"

Judy Peterman: Wow! That sounds fun and not creepy! Okay! Third bachelors: What's your best attribute?

Yortuk Festrunk: Okay! Do you know, Judy, what a package is? Ours is so big, you will ENJOY to SEE THEM!!

Georg Festrunk: Don't worry, Hoss! You can't miss...

Together: OUR BUL-GES!!

Dirk Ellington: Judy! Care to comment?

Judy Peterman: Well, they're a little crass... but they are from another country, and I'm sure theu mean well.

Dirk Ellington: Oh, it could be. Guys, how long have you lived in America?

Together: Thirty-seven years!

Dirk Ellington: Still got those accents, huh?

Georg Festrunk: Don't mention it!

[ they crack up laughing ]

Dirk Ellington: Alright, Judy, it's, uh, back to you.

Judy Peterman: Okay. Bachelors #2: What's your favorite season, and why?

Singer #1: We thought you'd never ask.

[ sexy music plays ]

Singer #2: "Girls can't get preg-nant in the summertime!"

Singer #1: "It's a known fact!"

Singer #2: "Yeah!"

Singer #1: "And that's that!"

Singer #2: "Ohhhhh, ladies can't get preg-nant in the summertime!"

Singer #1: "So throw away that Jimmy hat, girl!"

[ they pull a roll of condoms from their pockets and drop them to the floor ]

Together: "Science!!"

Judy Peterman: [ excited ] That was great! Um -- do another!

Singer #1: If you insist. [ fast up-tempo music plays ] "There's a brand new fad that's sweeping the nation!"

Singer #2: "It's called Smoke & Crack!"

Singer #1: "Guaranteed to get the party started!"

Singer #2: "No, no side effects!"

Singer #1: "Stay in achool!"

Dirk Ellington: Wait, wait, guys... I'm just gonna stop you right there, guys. I know for a fact there IS a side effect from smoking crack. [ a beat ] Itís called FUN!!

Bachelor #1: I'm sorry... but I think you skipped me?

Dirk Ellington: Shut up! No time. Judy, uh, who's your final pick? Will it be Bachelor Number...?

Judy Peterman: [ quickly ] I choose 2 and 3 and NOT 1!

Dirk Ellington: Yeahhhhh, that tracks! Let's have our winners come out and MEET JUDY!!

[ both sets of bachelors swagger down upon the stage ]

Singer #1: Hit it!

Singer #2: "Hoo-wee!"

Singer #1: "You know, we had a great time on this dumb-ass show!"

Singer #2: "'Cuz we formed a tremendous alliance."

Yortuk Festrunk: Now we will swing with this American fox!

Georg Festrunk: I can't believe you guys are not BLACK!

Singer #1: That happens a lot...

Singer #2: Yeah, we get that all the time.

Yortuk Festrunk: And what's with that singing?

Singer #2: "We've had two-ways, three-ways..."

Together: "About to have FIVE!"

Altogether: 'Cuz we are four wild and crazy guyyyyyyyssss!!!"

Judy Peterman: And Judy!

[ title card appears, as Dirk struts across the stage ]

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts