Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 38: Episode 16
Justin Timberlake’s Monologue
….Justin Timberlake
Doorman…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
…..Paul Simon
…..Steve Martin
…..Dan Aykroyd
…..Chevy Chase
…..Martin Short
…..Alec Baldwin
…..Tom Hanks
…..Taran Killam
…..Bboby Moynihan
…..Candice Bergen
Announcer: Ladies and gebtlemen — Justin Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] Ah! Very nice! Thank you! Thank you! Yes — Your check is in the mail! It is GREAT to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live” for the… [ counting on his fingers ] FIFTH time! [ the audience cheers ] There are so many exciting things about hosting five times. You get to see… old friends; you get to try new things; you get to inevitably let everyone down, thanks to overly high expectations — Thanks, Internet! But the BEST part is… they give you one of these: [ he holds up a card ] That’s right, membership into the Five-Timers Club. [ the audience applauds wildly ] In case you don’t know, this is the most exclusive club in New York. Come on — let’s check it out.
[ he runs off Home Base ] [ dissolve to close-up of door to the Five-Timers Club, as Timberlake approaches and knocks ]Doorman: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club! We’ve been expecting you, Mr. Timberlake!
Justin Timberlake: [ taking it all in ] Wow…
Doorman: Smoking jacket?
Justin Timberlake: Please. Thanks. [ after his jacket is put on him ] This is fantastic! [ he looks up as he hears guitar music ] What? Oh, my God… is that…? [ Paul Simon appears ] Paul Simon!
Paul Simon: [ shaking hands ] Welcome to the club.
Justin Timberlake: Mr. Simon, the honor is mine.
Paul Simon: [ nodding ] I think it is. Hey, uh — would you like to meet some of the other members?
Justin Timberlake: Uh… sure.
Paul Simon: Do you know Steve Martin?
[ Steve Martin stands to thunderous applause ]Steve Martin: Wellllll, Justin Timberlake. Welcome to the club, ol’ boy. I always thought if an ‘N Sync member made the Five-Timers Club, it would be Joey Fatone.
Paul Simon: No, no, no. Believe me… this is a great addition to the club. He’s a multi-talented guy, he can do everything.
Steve Martin: Sooooo… you play banjo?
Justin Timberlake: Uh… no, no, no, not really…
Steve Martin: Ohhhh. So, not… everything? [ he bites his pipe ] Come on, Justin. Let’s get a drink.
[ they approach the bar, where Dan Aykroyd stands at duty ]Justin Timberlake: Dan Aykroyd?! You’re a Five-Timer?
Steve Martin: No, no, no. No, Danny here is a bartender. It’s the best he can do, having only hosted once.
Justin Timberlake: But he is original cast — surely, that means something, right?
Steve Martin: [ chuckling heartily ] You’re adorable! [ to Aykroyd ] Cocktail menus?
Dan Aykroyd: Here you are, Mr. Martin.
Steve Martin: Uhhh — let’s keep the chitchat to a minimum, Danny.
[ Aykroyd bows humbly, as Timberlake glances at the menu ]Justin Timberlake: Uhhh — I’ll have the Kristen Wiig.
Steve Martin: Oh, and, by the way — it’s customary to tip here at the Five-Timers Club. Lucky for Danny.
[ Aykroyd hands Timberlake a wigged cocktail ]Dan Aykroyd: Your Gilly.
Steve Martin: [ opening his wallet ] Ah — lucky for Danny, I always carry hundreds. Ohh, what luck! I found a One! [ he hands the small bill to Aykroyd ] Come with me, Justin.
Justin Timberlake: [ glancing ] What is this?
Steve Martin: This is the Hall of Portraits. Drew Barrymore: Inducted in 2007; John Goodman: Hosted eleven straight years; and, of course, Chevy.
[ reveal Chevy Chase on the telephone ]Chevy Chase: Yes, yes… I would like to order one Rolls-Royce… and just send the bill to me, Mr., uh, Steve Martin. Steve! Thank you! [ he tries in vain to hang up the phone, finally succeeding when he actually looks at the handle ]
Steve Martin: Chevy! What a surprise!
Chevy Chase: Steve! I never see you any more!
Steve Martin: I know! It’s a shame!
Chevy Chase: No, it’s on purpose.
Justin Timberlake: [ confused ] Wait… are you guys friends, or not?
Steve Martin: Exactly! [ a beat ] You know, I’m famished. Waiter!
[ Martin Short rushes forward with a tray of hors d’oeuvres ]Martin Short: Yes! Hors d’oeuvres?
Steve Martin: What?
Chevy Chase: I said… Hors d’oeuvres?
Steve Martin: I believe it’s pronounced… Hoars devoares.
Chevy Chase: Of course, Sir… [ suddenly, he sneezes on the tray, wipes it at Steve’s face with a napkin and recoils at the sight of Chevy’s face ]
Justin Timberlake: Oh, my God…! I just realied I’m standing next to “The Three Amigos”!
Steve Martin: [ humbly ] Well, I guess you’re right.
Justin Timberlake: Is there any chance I could get you guys to do the salute?
Steve Martin & Chevy Chase: No, no… I don’t do that any more…
Chevy Chase: The THREE Amigos! [ he does the salute, much to the audience’s delight ] Sorry.
[ Short rushes off ]Steve Martin: If there was anywhere else he could go…
[ Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks enter from the opposite side of the room ]Alec Baldwin: Hey, you guys! Stop your yammering, and let’s enjoy tonight’s episode!
Justin Timberlake: Alec Baldwin and Tom Hanks!
[ they all shake hands ]Tom Hanks: Come, Young Justin! You won’t want to miss this!
[ the two men sit on the couch ]Justin Timberlake: What are we looking at here?
Alec Baldwin: You know, one of the joys, J.T. of being a Fiver is making the cast members FIGHT for your entertainment.
[ Taran Killam and Bobby Moynihan begin to fight mano-a-mano for the men ]Alec Baldwin: Cover your FACE, Bobby!
Tom Hanks: Yes. You see, unlike us, young cast have to scrap and claw for the chance to be on the show… Gouge his eyes, Taran!!
Justin Timberlake: It seems a little brutal.
Alec Baldwin: No, it’s all in good fun… Finish him, Bobby!!
[ Bobby jumps up and punches an off-camera Taran ]Tom Hanks: Well done! Well done! Go get yourself a BEER, young man!
Bobby Moynihan: [ weeping ] I killed my friend!
Tom Hanks: And I LOVE Drunk Uncle!
Bobby Moynihan: [ smiling ] Thank you! [ he walks off ]
Alec Baldwin: [ pleased ] So, J.T., a Five-Timer. I remember when I put on the jacket so long ago. I was a different man then: No sudden fits of rage…
Justin Timberlake: [ laughing ] THat’s a good one, Alec!
Alec Baldwin: [ sternly ] It wasn’t a joke, J.T. I’ll let you know when I’m joking.
[ Candice Bergen enters ]Candice Bergen: Relax, Alec!
Justin Timberlake: Oh! Candice Bergen? The first female member of the Five-Timers Club!
Candice Bergen: And I would like to say something: I, too, wish we had a second bathroom, but… while we’re all sharing, could you please try to remember to leave the toilet seat down?
Tom Hanks: Don’t look at me!
Alec Baldwin: I didn’t do it!
AMartin Short: [ proudly ] I go in the sink!
Justin Timberlake: This place is the BEST! I love being a Five-Timer!
Candice Bergen: Well, then… why don’t you just take advantage of it?
Justin Timberlake: Make it official?
Candice Bergen: That’s right.
Justin Timberlake: We got a great show. EVERYBODY is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!
