Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

Jennifer Aniston Look-Alike Competition

Emcee.....Jason Sudeikis
Paul Nevins.....Zach Galifianakis
Jackie Benning.....Cecily Strong
Ben Gables.....Bobby Moynihan
Vincent Smith.....Kenan Thompson
Mark Leonard.....Taran Killam
Gabby Franklin.....Nasim Pedrad
Diana Reynolds.....Vanessa Bayer
Radley Cooper.....Bradley Cooper
Ted Pelms.....Ed Helms

[ open on Marriott Ballroom ]

Emcee: Now, ladies and gentlemen, before I announce the winners of the 15th Annual Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition, I'd just like to tell all eight of our finalists that, no matter who wins: [ singing ] "You are so meeeeee!" Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much. And, please -- Hold all applause until I read ALL the names. Now, in eighth and last place... it is Paul Nevins.

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!!!

Emcee: Uh... Congratulations to Paul. Uh... now...

Paul Nevins: No, no, no, no! [ he runs onstage ] I hate to interrupt, but obviously there's been a mistake here!

Emcee: I'm afraid not, Paul. You've got Eighth place.

Paul Nevins: How is that even POSSIBLE?!! I mean, LOOK at me! I'm PERFECT!!

Emcee: Uh -- well, you know, the judges didn't think so!

Paul Nevins: Yeah? WHO were the judges?! Mr. Magoo and Helen Keller?!

Emcee: Hey, come on!

Paul Nevins: Oh, shut up!! She knew what she was doing! She was MILKING it!

Emcee: Paul!

Paul Nevins: Well, tell me this, then: What was my Hair score?!

Emcee: Come on, Paul...

Paul Nevins: What was my Hair score?! I want to know my damn Hair score, please!

Emcee: It was a 3.

Paul Nevins: A 3! That'd better be out of 2!

Emcee: It was out of 100!

Paul Nevins: Okay, fine! Read the rest of your little list there, Schindler! I am FASCINATED to know who BEAT me!

Emcee: Okay... Well, in Seventh place is Jackie Benning!

Paul Nevins: WHAT?!! WHAAAATTT?!! Jackie Benning?!! LOOK at her!!

[ reveal Jackie ]

Emcee: I think she looks very convincing.

Paul Nevins: TO WHO??!! HELEN KELLER??!!

Jackie Bennings: Hey! I helped you with your hair!

Paul Nevins: Yeah! And see how THAT turned out! Just GREAT!! Thanks a lot for the help, BEEN A BITCH Arnold!!

Emcee: Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Fine! Who's next?! I want to know!

Emcee: Alright. Well, Sixth place is Ben Gables!

Paul Nevins: Oh, Ben Gables! Now I get it! This is a joke! Ha ha ha! That's HILARIOUS!!

[ reveal Ben ]

Ben Gables: [ deep-voiced ] Hey, I worked really HARD at this!

Emcee: Okay. Fifth place goes to Vincent Smith!

Paul Nevins: He's dressed like Whoopi Goldstein!!

[ reveal Vincent ]

Vincent Smith: Oh, hush up, child!

Emcee: Alright, uh, Third place is a tie between Mark Leonard and Gabby Franklin!

[ reveal Mark and Gabby ]

Paul Nevins: THEM?!! Are you kidding me?!! I've taken FARTS that look more like Jennifer Aniston!! They're not even wearing "Friends" T-shirts!!

Emcee: Hey, come on...

Gabby Franklin: Yeah, why would Jennifer Aniston wear a "Friends" t-shirt?

Mark Leonard: Yeah, it's like the last thing she would ever wear.

Paul Nevins: Oh! WHY would she WEAR it?! Oh, I don't know! Because she got it FREE at WORK?!! GOD!! Get a life, you dunce!!

Emcee: Okay, Paul? That's enough, okay?

Paul Nevins: This competition is an entire sham!!

Emcee: Is there no Security here? Anybody?

Paul Nevins: I'M the Security!

Emcee: Oh, okay... that makes sense, then... Alright, well, in Second place, I have Diana Reynolds!

Paul Nevins: Oh, I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Diana Reynolds?! THAT Diana Reynolds?!

[ reveal Diana smiling ]

Paul Nevins: Who did she promise NOT to blow to win Second place?!

Diana Reynolds: Hey!

Emcee: Come on...

Paul Nevins: Let's see your famous IMPRESSON again, Diana!

Diana Reynolds: "Oh! Uh, oh! Uh... did you know that Ross and I used to, uh... uh... uh-uh... date? Oh! Oh...!"

Gabby Franklin: Yeah! I think it's more like... [ parting her hair back ] "Oh! Okay! Yeah! Oh! Do you guys know Ross? He's a good guy! Oh, oh! Hey!"

Mark Leonard: Uh, yeah, but maybe it's more like... "Oh! Oh... uh... So you and Ross are, um... [ he flexes his arms ] Dating! [ he pulls his hair back ] Oh! Oh!"

Paul Nevins: Oh, my bad! I didn't realize this was a Jabba the Hut competition! Also: Who the hell is ROSS?!!

Emcee: Okay. Come on, Paul! Come on!

Paul Nevins: Let's just end this pathetic charade! Who's the big winner? Come on, let's hear it!

Emcee: Well, the WINNER... oof the Jennifer Aniston Look-alike Competition -- Brought to you by SmartWater -- Oh! And we actually have CO-CHAMPIONS! It's RADLEY COOPER and TED PELMS!!

[ Radley and Ted appear onstage, as the audience applauds wildly ]

Paul Nevins: Why are people clapping?!! THESE two?!! Who did their make-up?! Helen Keller?!

Radley Cooper: Hey, hey, hey! You know something? You're a real jerk! You know, you may look exactly like Jennifer Aniston...

Ted Pelms: [ missing his cue ] ...On the outside! But on the INSIDE... you're a total Helen Keller!

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Ted Pelms: That's why you got Eighth place!

Paul Nevins: [ thinking ] You know what? [ he looks at them ] You know what?

Radley Cooper: What?

Paul Nevins: You're right. You're right, Radley.

Radley Cooper: Yeah!

Paul Nevins: You're right, Ted. I've been a monster here tonight. The truth is... This hasn't been my day... my week... my month... or even my year.

Radley Cooper: I'll be there for ya'.

Ted Pelms: And I'll be there for you, too, because... in the immortal words of the "Friends" theme song: [ singing ] "Keep smiling..."

Radley Cooper: "Keep shining..."

Paul Nevins: "Knowing you can always count on me..."

Emcee: That's not the "Friends" theme, guys.

Radley Cooper: It's not?

Together: "That's what friends are forrrrrrr!!!"

Emcee: That's Dionne Warwick.

Together: "In good times..."

[ the other winners appear onstage ]

Everyone: "In bad times,
I'll be on your side forevermorrrrre!!
That's what friends are forrrrr!!!!!"

[ fade ]

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