Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 19

12s: Zach Galifianakis / Of Monsters and Men

M&M Store

Manager.....Jason Sudeikis
Jim.....Zach Galifianakis
Noreen.....Nasim Pedrad
Eddie.....Fred Armisen
Rob.....Tim Robinson
Kyle.....Bobby Moynihan
Joe.....Kenan Thompson
Christina.....Vanessa Bayer

[ open on M&M Store ]

Manager: Alright, uh -- Listen up, team! Before we open up the store today, I want to huddle up. Everybody, huddle up, please! [ the employees, wearing different colored shirts, gather round ] Okay. Uh, Jim, you want to come out here, please real quick?

[ Jim, wearing a red M&M costume, ambles in ]

Manager: Now, our new greeter, Jim, here, had a real rough firsy day yesterday, okay? I mean, that goes without saying, right, Jim?

Jim: That's right.

Manager: Mmm-hmm. Uh -- Now, he said some things that wer VERY offensive, but he... he's asked for a chance to apologize. so we're gonna let him. Uh, Jim? Why don't you go ahead.

Jim: Thank you. [ he clears his throat ] So, uh, look -- There was a lot of name-calling yesterday. I know you didn't like any of the names I called you, and I certainly didn't like the names you called me, like, uh... "Racist Jim", and "Jim the Bigot." So... I want to apologize to each of you individually, and ask for your forgiveness. Forst of: Noreen. I know that all day, I continuously referred to you as the wrong type of Indian. But I want to get it right -- please tell me one last time which kind you are... and I SWEAR I'll never ask you again.

Noreen: I'm Pakistani.

Jim: And... is that the name of your tribe, or...?

Noreen: It's a country!

Jim: How!

Noreen: It just is!

Jim: No, I was saying Hello.

Manager: No, come on. Let's stay focused, Jim. Okay? Come on, push through.

Jim: Eddie... My dear, dear Mexican friend. Let's see... Mi espanol es bueno...

Eddie: No, no -- I speak English.

Jim: Oh, thank God! Okay, good. So, look -- Listen, I called you "Dirty" a lot yesterday, and I...

Eddie: You did.

Jim: I did. And, yet... Iím a total slob. I mean... maybe I donít deserve to be in this country, either.

Eddie: I was born in Minnesota, Racist Jim.

Jim: [ to the manager ] And we're back to name-calling again! This is what I'm talking about!

Manager: I know, I know... Just, come on, Jim, we gotta keep it moving. Come on.

Jim: Okay, moving on -- I definitely should apologize to our gays.

[ the two employees Jim signals out give him quizzical looks ]

Jim: Gentlemen... [ he shakes his head ] The thought of what you guys do really makes me sad. And I know I made that abundantly clear -- often, through song -- but then I got home, and I felt... Well... my wife is really ugly. Hell, she might as well be a dude! So maybe we ain't that different, you know? Why don't we just bury the hatchet? [ he stares at Noreen ] No offense. [ she looks at him curiously ] And, guys... gays. Let me be the first to say: I support whatever you want to do, as long as it's behind closed doors.

Kyle: We're not...

Rob: Thank you! [ he shrugs his shoulders at Kyle ]

Jim: But it's entirely possible that I owe the biggest apology... to Black Joe.

Joe: It's just Joe. There are no other Joes that work here! I mean, even if there were, you know...

Jim: You were certainly the recipient of some of my low moments in that three-hour shift. I don't know what I feel worse about: How often I asked to touch your hair... or when I pointed to that brown M&M and yelled: "Hey, look, everyone -- it's Black Joe!"

Joe: That one actually kind of made me laugh!

Jim: Uh, I wasn't finished with my list. Please donít talk over me. This is not a movie theater. You also seemed offended at my many attempts to connect with you through music. [ singing ] "Swing low..."

[ Joe attempts to rush Jim, but is held back by everyone ]

Manager: Come on! Come on!

Jim: Okay. Yeah, yeah... okay, we should about wrap up this pow-wow. [ to Noreen ] I am so sorry!

[ Noreen shakes her head in disgust ]

Jim: And, finally... there was Christina. Yuo probably don't remember, Christina, but... yesterday I grabbed your boob pretty hard in the break room, while squeezing an air horn.

Christina: I remember, Racist Jim.

Jim: See, but you gotta admit -- there's nothing racist about that exchange whatsoever, right?

Manager: Mmm-hmm... mmm-hmm...

Christina: Yeah, except that you said that my BUTT was "Puerto Rican"... but that my boobs "didn't get the memo."

Manager: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah... Okay, we got it. We should open up the store. Uh, Jim -- you're obviously fired, okay?

Jim: What?! Are you positive about this?

Manager: Oh yeah, absolutely, yeah!

Jim: You don't have no reservations? [ to Noreen ] Again, I am so sorry!

Manager: No, it's time to go, Jim.

Jim: Well, tell me this -- Am I eligible for unemployment, or is that just for you know who?

Manager: Okay... okay. Come on, let's go! Let's go! [ he pushes Jim out, then turns to his staff ] Come on, let's sell some candy!

[ fade ]

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