Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Episode 20


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:

Guest Writer:


May 11th, 2013

Kristen Wiig

Vampire Weekend

None

Maya Rudolph

Jonah Hill

Lorne Michaels

John Solomon

None

Benghazi Hearings
Summary: In an attempt to keep the Benghazi Hearings fresh in the minds of a disniterested public, Darrell Issa (Bill Hader) calls media sensation Jodi Arias (Nasim Pedrad) to the stand.

Transcript


Montage


Kristen Wiig's Monologue
Summary: Kristen Wiig sings "I'm so Excited" to demonstrate how thrilled she is to come back to host "Saturday Night Live" 11 months and 30 days after quitting the cast, but has already forgotten the general layout of Studio 8-H.

Recurring Characters: Gilly.

Transcript


1-800-FLOWERS
Summary: Kathleen (Kristen Wiig) buys flowers for her Mom (Kate McKinnon) on Mother's Day, even though she finds her personally annoying.

Transcript


The Californians
Summary: Stuart (Fred Armisen) is shocked to learn that Karina (Kristen Wiig) faked her own death, and is now back with plenty of directions to give.

Recurring Characters: Stuart, Devin, Karina, Trey, Rosa, Todd Garnes.


Aw Nuts! Mom's A Ghost!
Summary: A new Disney tween comedy features a wacky, "Ring"-like ghost mom (Kristen Wiig).


The Lawrence Welk Show
Summary: Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) shows off her weird baby hands in a fake beach setting.

Recurring Characters: Lawrence Welk, Dooneese, Toni, Nancy.


Vampire Weekend performs "Diane Young"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers
Summary: Secondhand news correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) botches more recent names and events from the news. Garth (Fred Armisen) & Kat (Kristen Wiig) improvise songs for Mother's Day.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino, Garth & Kat.


Target
Summary: The Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) has another exciting day scanning her customers' merchandise.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.


Acupuncture
Summary: Ronald's (Jason Sudeikis) acupuncture therapy results in Daphne (Aidy Bryant) and her supervisor (Kristen Wiig) accidentally bleeding him to death.


Vampire Weekend performs "Unbelievers"


Double Date
Summary: A pair of desperate women (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong) are thrilled to be on a blind date with sixth-graders Tyler (Tim Robinson) and Drew (Bobby Moynihan).

Transcript


Classy Sexy Elegnace
Summary: Reality-TV housewives (Kristen Wiig, Cecily Strong, Aidy Bryant) release hastily-produced vanity albums.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




SNL Transcripts