Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 38: Episode 21

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Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

.....Seth Meyers
.....Amy Poehler
Stefon.....Bill Hader
.....Anderson Cooper
David Zolesky.....Ben Affleck
The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party.....Cecil Strong
Arianna Huffington.....Nasim Pedrad
Jean K. Jean.....Kenan Thompson
David Paterson.....Fred Armisen
Ann Romney......Kate McKinnon
Jacob.....Vanessa Bayer
Drunk Uncle.....Bobby Moynihan
The Devil.....Jason Sudeikis

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers! Here are tonight's top stories!

President Obama, this week, denied that he knew about the Inspector General’s report detailing the IRS’s increased scrutiny of conservative groups. So nothing to worry about, America -- There’s just a bunch of stuff happening that the President doesn’t know about.

The President also condemned the IRS for targeting conservative groups for extra scrutiny, saying, “Public service is a solemn privilege.” In response, Joe Biden quietly deflated his whoopee cushion.

Minnesota, this week, became the 12th state in the country to legalize gay marriage. So, finally, Minneapolis can stop pretending St. Paul is just its "twin".

Disney is being criticized for redesigning Merida, the character from "Brave", to make her more stylish like the traditional Disney princesses. Though, frankly, I’m a little more disturbed by what they’ve done with Goofy. [ image: Goofy with six-pack abs ]

Researchers in the Netherlands are developing a form of in vitro meat, which can be grown in a lab. They say the in vitro meat will be perfect for couples who can’t have steaks of their own.

Seth Meyers: The admission by IRS officials that they unfairly targeted Tea Party groups has both Republicans and Democrats calling for a full-scale investigation. And brings us to a segment we like to call: "Really!?! with Seth and Amy."

[ the audience cheers as Amy Poehler appears at the Weekend Update desk with Seth ]

Seth Meyers: So... I guess I should ask: Are you ready to jump back into it, or are you, like, uh...

Amy Poehler: Let me see, uh... "Really!?! Really. Really!"

Seth Meyers: You got it! You got it!

Amy Poehler: I'm good. Let's go!

Seth Meyers: Really, IRS? Really? IRS: NO ONE needs to avoid scandals more than you! You're less popular to Americans than EXERCISE! Don't get me wrong. I understand that, even if you do your job perfectly, IRS, no one's gonna give you a Gatorade shower. But you've gotta try a little harder!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! The Government only keeps you around to make the DMV look good! In the "Entourage" of government agencies, you're the Turtle!

Seth Meyers: You're the Turtle!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really? Obama, you said you heard about the scandal when you saw it on TV? You found out from TV?! Really?! I don't want to live in a world where you have the same sources as my Aunt! You're the President! I didn't think you had to watch TV for ANYTHING! I assumed you already knew how "Breaking Bad" ends!

Amy Poehler: And, also: Really, Tea Party? Really? You’re surprised that you’re targeted by the IRS? You named yourself after a group of people who proudly and historically violated tax laws! Look, if I had a vanity license plate that said “Weed 420", I might expect to get pulled over now and then.

Seth Meyers: If you had that license plate?

Amy Poehler: Not now!

Seth Meyers: Alright. And, really: Politics aside, should we be surprised that the IRS takes special attention to the tax forms of the Tea Party? Judging from the terrible spelling on their protest signs, attention to detail isn’t really their thing. It's not fair to scrutinize somebody for hating Obama, but you might want to give them a second look if they spell it "Obambo." Really!

Amy Poehler: Really! IRS, you've gotta spread the scrutiny around a little! Even the TSA pulls a white guy out of the security line every once in a while! You know, just to make it look good!

Seth Meyers: Gotta make it look good!

Amy Poehler: I mean, really! Let's remember: Everyone cheats on the IRS all the time! Having their job is like being married to 300 million Don Drapers! Really!

Seth Meyers: And, really: We do all have to understand that this is a super jittery time for the IRS. I mean, Wesley Snipes just got out of jail, and Wesley Snipes is NOT happy!

Amy Poehler: Really! Guys, Snipes is OUT! Everyone at the IRS is probably looking over their shoulders and praying they don't hear the words: "Never tax on Black!"

Seth Meyers: I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And one more thing, IRS: [ meekly ] Please don't audit me... I just did my own taxes, and I did them all wrong! I'm really, really, really sorry...!

Announcer: This has been "Really!?! with Seth & Amy."

Seth Meyers: Thank you so mch for coming!

Amy Poehler: Okay, fine! I'll stay!

Three people in New Jersey were arrested on charges of running a prostitution ring at a senior citizen housing complex. Workers at the complex became suspicious when they heard a man yelling “Bingo!” and it wasn’t Bingo Night.

A restaurant in San Francisco called Bacon Bacon has been ordered to close after neighbors complained about the overwhelming smell of bacon. And it's got to be really tricky to walk up to a cop and complain that something smells like bacon.

Seth Meyers: A new report reveals that some families are hiring disabled tour guides when visiting Disney theme parks, to help them avoid long lines and use the handicapped entrances. And it’s all made possible by the Controversial Take-A-Wish Foundation.

A topless painting of "Golden Girls" actress Bea Arthur was sold at auction this week for $1.9 million, to someone who doesn’t understand what dollars are.

Soccer superstar David Beckham, on Thursday, announced his retirement from the game. So now he will probably just spend his days sitting around the house, bending it.

[ Seth high-fives Amy ]

An Australian politician, this week, who was taking a morning jog, was attacked by a kangaroo. The man could be heard shouting: [ in a fake Australian accent ] "Help! I know this is hilarious, but still -- Help!"

Amy Poehler: Massachusetts police arrested a woman after she ordered a steak-and-cheese sandwich, then punched the employee who made it because it had “too many pickles.” But you know what? I’ll bet that employee knows the right number of pickles now.

A sushi chef in Connecticut is planning to use cicadas this summer in some of his recipes. Said the chef: [ whispering ] "I’m tryin’ to get fired."

Prince Harry, this week, toured the Jersey Shore with New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It was the first meeting between the Prince of the House of Windsor... and the Governor of the House of Pancake.

Seth Meyers: Well, it's almost summer in New York. Which means millions of tourists will be heading to the city to see what the Big Apple has to offer. Here with some tips on what thy should check out, is City Correspondent Stefon.

[ the audience goes wild as Stefon appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Hi.

Amy Poehler: Hi, Stefon. How have you been?

[ Stefon leers at Amy, then at Seth ]

Stefon: Who's this?

Seth Meyers: Oh, uh -- This is my platonic work friend Amy.

Amy Poehler: Oh. Hey. Thanks.

Seth Meyers: So, Stefon. Uh -- Summer's right around the corner, and what places should people checkout if they're headed to New York and looking to have a classic New York weekend?

Stefon: If you're headed to NYC -- The Big Apple -- THe City That Never Sleeps -- THe Thrilla in Manila -- then I know just the place for you. New York's hottest club is: [ deep-voiced ] PANNNNTTSS! [ he covers his face with his hands ] Located on that fake street from "Seinfeld", this bad bud bridal barn finally answers the question: "Y'all ready to play the Feud?!" This place has EVERYTHING: Double Dutch, Uggi Loves, sling and mesh bladder implants, the table from "Charlie Rose"... [ he covers his face with his hands ] And this weekend, I'll be having my college reunion there.

Amy Poehler: Oh! Wow! What university did you go to?

Stefon: UTI! [ he covers his face with his hands ] I even made the Dean's List.

Amy Poehler: You did?

Stefon: Yes. Dean Cain's list of homeboys not to mess with! Anyway -- The bouncer's a king-sized lesbian who looks like Phil Jackson. And the password is: "Skyyy!!" [ he points, then covershis face with his hands ] And if that isn't enough for you, you can hit the dance floor with a room full of Human Eight Balls.

Seth Meyers: And -- I'm sorry, Stefon -- What is a Human Magic Eight Ball?

Stefon: [ he covers his face with his hands ] It's that thing of when you ask a question, so you shake a midget until he says: "Ask again later!" [ he covers his face with his hands and laughs ]

Seth Meyers: Uhhhh -- Stefon, I'm sorry. This just isn't what we're looking for.

Stefon: You know what? You NEVER respect me, Seth! I didn't want to do this here... but I've met someone else! And he's a lot like you... except he likes me for me... and we are getting MARRIED! Bye, Seth Meyers.

[ Stefon rolls away ]

Seth Meyers: Well... [ he shrugs ] Stefon, everybody. Sorry about that.

[ the audience gasps in great shock at this break-up ]

Seth Meyers: [ image: tree frog ] A new study shows that tree frogs in the Am -- [ he chokes up ] The tree fogs in the Amazon have been known to --

[ piano music plays ]

Amy Poehler: Hey. [ she reaches out her hand ] Go to him.

Seth Meyers: It's too late.

Amy Poehler: [ she touches his cheek ] It's never too late. [ Seth rises and runs ] Follow your heart!

[ cut to footage of Seth running out of 30 Rockefeller Center and through the streets of New York, intercut with clips of prior Seth-Stefon interactions on "Weekend Update" ]

[ Seth reaches a cathedral, as the bells gong ]

Seth Meyers: Oh, God... no...!

[ Seth enters the church and runs up to the second level, looking down on the procession below. We see Human Traffic Cones, etc. ]

Seth Meyers: STEFON!!

[ all eyes turn: Fat Urkels, Smurfs, Alf, Menorrah the Explorer, etc. ]

[ Stefon also looks up, surprised, as does his groom, Anderson Cooper, who's displeased ]

Anderson Cooper: Meyers!

Seth Meyers: Cooper!

Stefon: [ high-pitched ] SETTTTTTHHHHHH!!!!

[ Seth runs down and confront Anderson Cooper ]

Anderson Cooper: [ knuckles bared ] Get ready for Anderson Cooper -- 360!

[ Cooper spins, as Seth decks him squarely ]

[ Seth grabs Stefon by the hand, and they run toward the back of the church ]

Menorah the Explorer: Can you say: "Oh, vey?"

[ DJ Baby Bok Choy rolls up, blocking the crowd of angry spectators ]

Stefon: DJ Baby Bok Choy!

DJ Baby Bok Choy: [ with subtitles ] Run, Stefon, run! I will fend them off! It is too late for me... but I will...

Stefon: Thanks!

[ reveal Stefon's brother among the spectators ]

David Zolesky: Follow your heart, Bro! FOLLOWWWWW ITTTT!!!

[ dissolve to Seth and Stefon rushing back into Studio 8-H, as the audience goes wild ]

[ they stand in front of the "Weekend Update" desk, as The Girl You Wish You Hadn't Started A Conversation With At A Party, Arainna Huffington, Jean K. Jean, David Paterson, Ann Romney, Jacob, Amy Poehler, Drunk Uncle, and The Devil stand behind the desk and throw rice at them ]



[ they hug ]

[ fade ]

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