Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Bonus Episode 1





























Weekend Update Thursday 1

Convention Cutaways!

Sobbing woman.....Vanessa Bayer
Dancing guy.....Taran Killam
Wandering woman.....Aidy Bryant
Props guy.....Fred Armisen
Asleep guy.....Kenan Thompson
Thin Woman.....Kate McKinnon
Balloons guy.....Jay Pharoah
Middle Eastern Woman.....Nasim Pedrad
Straight guy.....Bill Hader
Not cute kid.....Bobby Moynihan
Penis guy.....Tim Robinson
Joseph Biden.....Jason Sudeikis

[ open on montage of convention footage ]

Announcer: Like every American... you LOVE the Republican and Democrat National Conventions.

The speeches!

The waving!

The pageantry!

But now that they're over, you want to relive the most GLORIOUS moments of them all. Introducing...

[ reveal product ]

Convention Cutaways! Featuring the very BEST audience shots from BOTH conventions!

Like... Woman Who's Sobbing Before Anyone's Started Speaking.

And... Guy Who's Dancing To No Music Whatsoever.

And relive the majesty of... Woman Who's Just Walking Around.

And... Guy Who Brought Props That Only Make Sense To Him.

Stunning cutaways of TRUE patriots shaping history.

Like... Guy Who's Pretending He Wasn't Just Asleep.

Thin Woman With Way Too Much Arm Flab.

And Guy Who Didn't Know There'd Be Balloons.

You'll enjoy HOURS and HOURS of inspired cutaways.

Like... Middle Eastern Woman They Keep Cutting To Whenever Someone Mentions Hispanics.

And... Straight Guy They Keep Cutting to Whenever Someone Mentions Gay Marriage.

Because children are our future, we've also included some kid cutaways.

Including... Kid Who Is Super Cute.

And... Kid Who Is Not Super Cute.

Plus... Guy Who's Had Just The Tip Of His Penis Out This Whole Time.

And, of course... Joe Biden.

Joseph Biden: [ waving with ice cream cone in hand ] Hey! Look at -- look at what they found!

[ cut to product ]

Announcer: Convention Cutaways! Order today, so we'll know if we should start making them.

[ fade ]


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