Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 38: Bonus Episode 2















Weekend Update Thursday 2

Town Hall Meeting

President Barack Obama.....Jay Pharoah
Woman #1.....Vanessa Bayer
Man #1.....Fred Armisen
Woman #2.....Kate McKinnon
Man #2.....Kenan Thompson
Man #3.....Bill Hader
Man #4.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on C-Span graphics ]

Announcer: You're watching C-Span. This isn't your mother's C-Span; it's your grandmother's.

[ dissolve to exterior, Kent, Ohio auditorium ]

Announcer: on Wednesday, President Obama was in Ohio, where he addressed a Town Hall gathering of swing state voters.

[ dissolve to Obama ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! I've got THREE words to say: Oh! Hi! Oh!

[ the crowd applauds wildly ]

President Barack Obama: It MUST be a rally! I've got my sleeves rolled up like a weatherman on Friday! Now, as you probably know, you all have a BIG choice in November. So... does anyone have any questions? [ a woman raises her hand ] Yes! You!

Woman #1: Hi. Um... I got laid off in 2009, and I still haven't found a job. I don't want to vote for Romney... but I really thought things would be better by now.

President Barack Obama: [ glumly ] Okay. I understand your frustration. Iíve said from Day One that real change takes MORE than one term -- or even one president. I donít know if it will even happen in eight years. Might take 12. Frankly, I might be long dead. Maybe youíll be dead, too. You hear what Iím saying?

Woman #1: [ disenchanted ] Um... I guess...?

President Barack Obama: Look -- weíre in a deep financial hole. Uhhh... the numbers are bad. Uhhhh... 23 million people out of work! But things ARE getting better. Remember that movie, uhhh, "The Sixth Sense"? Iím like the kid in that movie: I see employed people. I know you donít see Ďem, uhhh, donít even know theyíre there, but one day all of you will be Bruce Willis and youíll realize that you were employed all along. Wonít that be nice?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Look. I'm sure there are success stories out there. Show of hands: Who here has created their own company in the last four years? [ no one raises a hand ] No one? No one? not one? Not one company? Okay. Who here has a job? [ one man raises his hand ] Okay! There we go! There we go! and what do you do, sir?

Man #1: Uh -- I'm a manager... at Burger King.

President Barack Obama: There you go! Uhhh, having it YOUR way! And where were you four years ago? Probably working the counter, right?

Man #1: Uh, I was a Vice-President for Bank of America.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] oh, okay. The point is that today you're a manager at one of America's BIGGEST companies. Uhhh, that's a success story! Probably get FREE BURGERS! Right?

Man #1: Uh -- no one gets free burgers. Actually, I had to fire a guy for eating a burger while eating on the clock. He got so mad, he threw a BRICK through the window. So...

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Free brick! Uh, you didn't have that four years ago! MUCH better off! [ pointing ] Uhh -- you! How about you, Ma'am? I saw your habd go up. Uhhh, what do you do?

Woman #2: I work at the apple store.

President Barack Obama: There you go! One of America's GREAT companies! Still growing!

Woman #2: Oh, I don't work for the computer store. I sell actual apples.

President Barack Obama: [ stung ] Okay.

Woman #2: I have a shack by the highway. I sell mostly to immigrants, and the occasional mule.

President Barack Obama: Very good. Thank you. Very good.

Woman #2: I sell apples!

President Barack Obama: Of course, you do! Of course, you do! Look -- I KNOW that it hasnít been easy. Not even for me. Look at me. I took office as a 47-year-old man. Four years later, Iím 75. Went from hip-hop star to jazz musician. From Baby Face to B.B. King. I guess black DO crack. But I promise you: Things ARE much better! Surely, someone here has a job that wsn't around in 2008. Uhhhh... anyone? [ a man raises his hand ] There it is! What do you do, Sir?

Man #2: Uh... I chase raccoons out of foreclosed homes. It's great, because all those homes had people in them a few years ago!

President Barack Obama: Good for you! Staying outdoors. Probably a lot of PERKS, right?

Man #2: Yeahhhh. Sometimes I EAT them raccoons!

President Barack Obama: Anybody else better off? Anybody?

Man #3: [ jittery ] I am! I'm doing GREAT! I'm doing really, really great! Real good, I'm doing REAL good! I'm doing real good!

President Barack Obama: What do you do? What do you do?

Man #3: Uhhh... I guess I'm a cook. A chemist. Cook. Chemist! Cook! Cook! Chemist! I got a trailer in Baluga! [ he starts whooping and hollaring ]

President Barack Obama: Okay! Okay! Alright! That guy's fired up! Let's move on. Anyone else feel they're much better off than four years ago? [ a man raises his hand ] Yes, sir? Uhhh, and what do you do?

Man #4: Uh... uh... i don't have a job. I just won a lot of money in a lawsuit last year.

President Barack Obama: [ confused ] I see.

Man #4: Yeah. I was eating at a Burger King... and some guy just hit me with a brick.

President Barack Obama: [ excited ] There you go! Circle of life! Look -- can we at least agree that Mitt Romney... would be worse?

[ the crowd applauds enthusiastically ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. That's right. There's something we can ALL believe in, America! And, "Live from New York, it's Saturday Niiiiiiight!"


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