Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:



Bit Players:


September 28th, 2013

Tina Fey

Arcade Fire

None

Aaron Paul

Lorne Michaels

None

Obama Press Conference
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) desperately tries to sell Americans on his Affordable Health Care Act, but most of them seem to love it for all the wrong reasons.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama

Transcript


Montage


Tina Fey's Monologue
Summary: Tina Fey introduces the six new Featured Players, then makes them pay their dues by having them dance behind her while she sings.

Transcript


Girls
Summary:


Airport
Summary: Married couple (Beck Bennett, Kate McKimmon) wait patiently for airline clerks (Taran Killam, Tina Fey) to board more unusual passengers before them.

Transcript


New Cast Member or Arcade Fire
Summary: On in-house game show, Tina Fey must tell the difference between "SNL"'s new cast members and their look-alike counterparts from the indie band Arcade Fire.

Transcript


E-Meth Cigarettes
Summary: Meth smokers can smoke anywhere at any time, thanks to their new electronic vapor alternative.

Transcript


Arcade Fire performs "Reflektor"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Veteran anchorwoman Tina Fey offers advice to new co-anchor Cecily Strong. Stand-up comic Bruce Chandling (Kyle Mooney) free-associates while giving his take on Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's UN speech. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) comments on the new school year with help from Meth Nephew (Aaron Paul).

Recurring Characters: Bruce Chandling, Drunk Uncle.

Transcript


PBS Cinema Classics
Summary: Scenes from 1949's "Unwanted Woman" feature lots of unnecessary focus on stuffed animals.


Used Cars
Summary: Rick (Mike O'Brien) of Rick's Model T's broadcasts the world's first used car commercial with a little help from his crazy wife Daisy (Tina Fey).

Transcript


Arcade Fire performs "Afterlife"


Manolo Blahniks
Summary: Vacuous ex-porn stars Brookie (Vanessa Bayer) and her frind (Cecily Strong) submit a commercial for free Manolo Blahniks shoes, with the help of former lesbian porn actress (Tina Fey).

Recurring Characters: Brookie, Friend.

Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




SNL Transcripts