Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 1

13a: Tina Fey / Arcade Fire

Obama Press Conference

President Barack Obama.....Jay Pharoah
Jennifer Osborne.....Aidy Bryant
Larry Douglas.....Bobby Moynihan
Craig Douglas.....Beck Bennett
Sen. Ted Cruz.....Taran Killam
Complainer.....Cecily Strong
Dr. Melissa Kronich.....Kate McKinnon
Jesse Pinkman.....Aaron Paul
ObamaCare Oscar.....Kenan Thompson

Announcer: [ over C-Span page ] You're watching C-Span. At 4:30, it's "Beach House", a slideshow of Congressional members on their summer vacations. But first, we go to Prince George Community College in Maryland, where President Obama is speaking in support of the Affordable Care Act.

[ dissolve to Obama at podium in front of crowd ]

President Barack Obama: Thank you! Thank you so much! As many of you all know, next Tuesday... the Affordable Care Act will be open to the public. While this is exciting news for ALL Americans, polls show that many of you are confused by the details of the law. And some have criticized me for failing to explain it better. So, today... I've asked soem regular Americans to come out... and tell you... how the Affordable Care Act will change their lives for the BETTER! Regular people, like Jennifer Osborne, a sales clerk right here in America!

[ Jennifer steps up to the podium ]

Jennifer Osborne: Uh, thank you... thank you, Mr. President! And let me start by saying I am PSYCHED... for OBAMACAAAARE!!

President Barack Obama: There you go! I love that enthusiasm!

Jennifer Osborne: Because now that I've got FREE health care, I can get sick ALL! THE TIIIIIME!! WHOO!! FREE MEDICINE, Y'ALL!!

President Barack Obama: Well, uh... [ chuckling ] THat's not really how it works...

Jennifer Osborne: I've stopped washing my hands, and I'm licking hella subway polls! Thanks, President! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Well, uh, one great thing about the Affordable Care Act is that your children can stay on your insurance until, uh... 26. Here with a father-son success story, are Larry and Craig Douglas. Come on.

[ the Douglases steps up to the podium ]

Larry Douglas: Wow... I am so relieved that my DUMB, LAZY, good-for-nothing son has FULL HEALTH COVERAGE! We kept telling him: "Hey, IDIOT! You have to get a JOB to earn health care! But Mr. Obama here, he made sure that my son will NEVER have to lift a FINGER to get insurance!

President Barack Obama: [ stammering ] W-well... well, I'm sure he wants to contribute...

Larry Douglas: [ interrupting ] No, this is a true story, okay? The other day, he pinched a nerve so bad WHACKING IT... that he coldn't even clsoe the laptop! We all walked in from CHURCH... and the porno was just still playing, full-volume. You know what? He was just lying on the floor! You're a LOSER, son!

Craig Douglas: If I'm a loser... how come I have health care?

President Barack Obama: Okay, uh... Can we please, uh... can we please get them to leave, please?

[ security guards pulls the Douglases away ]

Larry Douglas: [ quickly ] Hey! CHRIS CHRISTIE IN '16!!

President Barack Obama: Okay... Is there anyone here who has something serious to say about the new health care system?

[ Sen. Ted Cruz steps forward ]

Sen. Ted Cruz: I'm Senator Ted Cruz. And I do not LIKE you in a box! I do not like you with a fox!

President Barack Obama: Oh, Dr. Suess? Come on!

Sen. Ted Cruz: "I speak for the TREES! Because the trees do not speak. But if they could speak, they would say, 'Shut down the federal government!'"

President Barack Obama: [ calling out ] Uh, uh, Security?

Sen. Ted Cruz: [ as they pull him away ] "Or make you hear a who? But the only thing I'm hearing right now is... SOCIALISM...!!"

President Barack Obama: People... It's not even in effect yet! There's NO WAY you can already have so many complaints!

[ Complainer steps up to the podium ]

Complainer: Uhhh, yeah. I already have a complaint about ObamaCare! By iPhone 5S broke, and I took it to the Genius Barn, and they would NOT fix it! I mean, WHAT the hell is that?!

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Now, see? I believe you're confusing ObamaCare with Apple Care.

Complainer: Well -- either way, it happened on YOUR watch! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Look -- okay. Bottom line: Health care costs have spiraled OUT of control in this country! Okay? And no one knows that better than our nation's overworked E.R. doctors. Like Dr. Melissa Kronich.

[ Dr. Melissa appears at the podium with a lit cigarette ]

Dr. Melissa Kronich: Look, I have no idea what the hell this law does. All I know is -- ObamaCare or no ObamaCare -- people need to stop putting things up their butts! I went to school for EIGHT damn years, so don't you DARE look me in the face and tell me you FELL on a toy fire truck, you monsters!

President Barack Obama: Dr. Kronich, please.

Dr. Melissa Kronich: You want to save $5 billion a year on health care costs? Stop putting stuff up your damn BUTTS! [ she exits ]

President Barack Obama: Okay. Alright. Okay, thank you, Dr. Kronich. Certainly something to keep in mind, our butts. Now, uh -- Here's a young man from New Mexico with a heartbreaking story about healthcre before the Affordable Care Act. So, uh -- Jesse? Would you come up here?

[ Jesse Pinkman steps up to the podium, to huge applause ]

Jesse Pinkman: Yeah, I had this friend, you know? and he got sick. Like, cancer sick. But because there wasn’t ObamaCare... he couldn’t afford the treatments. So he was, like, backed into a corner. You know what I mean?

President Barack Obama: Uh, and keep in mind –- This man was a teacher with a family.

Jesse Pinkman: He was. He was. So, he did what any of us would have done: He started cooking meth.

President Barack Obama: Now, now, uh, hold on...!

Jesse Pinkman: And soon, it wasn’t just meth. It was murder. You know? And not regular murder. Like, he blew half a guy’s face off.

President Barack Obama: Okay! I think we can probably wrap this up! Jesse from New Mexico, everybody!

Jesse Pinkman: Hold on, don't you want to know what happened to my friend?

Crowd: NO!!!

Jesse Pinkman: Okay. [ he exits ]

President Barack Obama: Finally... some are worried that the system is overwhelming, or hard to sign up for. But the fact is, it couldn't be easier! And here to explain how easy it is, is our friend ObamaCare Oscar, uh, with the "Health Care Boogie."

[ ObamaCare Oscar appears next to the podium and starts to boogie ]

ObamaCare Oscar: [ rapping ]
"Well, I signed up!
Be like me!
It's as easy as 1-2-3!
4-5-6, 7-8-9...!"

[ ObamaCare Oscar trips and falls ]

ObamaCare Oscar: Oh, my God! The bone is through the skin!

President Barack Obama: [ alarmed ] Quick! Quick! Somebody please call an ambulance!

ObamaCare Oscar: No, no...! [ he struggles to his feet ] No, don't call an ambulance! I don't have health insurance!

President Barack Obama: What?! Why didn't you sign up?

ObamaCare Oscar: Uh, it was too complicated to figure out...! I'm not a citizen, either. I was born in Liya... my family came here for the welfare! OH, ALLAH, HELP ME!! [ he limps off ]

President Barack Obama: Okay, I have not explained this law well. And my apologies, alright? And "Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!"

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