Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 4

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

October 26th, 2013

Edward Norton

Janelle Monae


Alec Baldwin

Miley Cyrus


A Message From the Department of Health & Human Services
Summary: Kathleen Sebelius (Kate McKinnon) offers some not-so-helpful tips to help combat the technical difficulties of Obama's health care enrollment website.



Edward Norton's Monologue
Summary: After 13 years, Method actor Edward Norton has finally prepared himself to host "Saturday Night Live", but still requires assistance from Alec Baldwin and Miley Cyrus.

Autumn's Eve Pumpkin Spice Douche

Stranger Danger
Summary: Officer Rosen (Edward Norton) tries in vain to teach kids to stay away from strangers with candy in vans, because Shalon's (Nasim Pedrad) enthusiasm leads them to harm's way.


Steve Harvey
Summary: The proprieter (Edward Norton) of Spooky City fools Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) with a demonstration Halloween wordplay costumes.

Recurring Characters: Steve Harvey.


The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders
Summary: In a trailer for a horror film by Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson (Edward Norton) tries to protect his family from murderers.


Critter Control
Summary: A business meeting is interrupted by possums and awestruck critter controllers Mitchell (Brooks Wheelan) and Russell (Edward Norton).


Drug Deal
Summary: Before finalizing a drug exchange, dealer (Mike O'Brien) has his idiot savant Hank (Edward Norton) count the trade money.

Janelle Monae performs "Dance Apocalyptic"

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) has misheard more of the latest items in the news.

Recurring Characters: Anthony Crispino.

12 Days Not a Slave
Summary: Thrilled to no longer be a slave following the Emancipation Proclamation, Cecil (Jay Pharoah) fully expects the rest of the Deep South to share in his joy.

Ruth's Chris
Summary: Teenaged waitstaffers can't wait to get off from work and fantasize about actually having real sex.

Janelle Monae performs "The Electric Lady"

Halloween Candy
Summary: Dad (Edward Norton) sorts through bucket of candy with a little help from Diego (Bobby Moynihan) and Adul Ruth (Aidy Bryant).



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

SNL Transcripts