Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 4
October 26th, 2013
A Message From the Department of Health & Human Services
: Kathleen Sebelius (Kate McKinnon) offers some not-so-helpful tips to help combat the technical difficulties of Obama's health care enrollment website.
Edward Norton's Monologue
: After 13 years, Method actor Edward Norton has finally prepared himself to host "Saturday Night Live", but still requires assistance from Alec Baldwin and Miley Cyrus.
Autumn's Eve Pumpkin Spice Douche
: Officer Rosen (Edward Norton) tries in vain to teach kids to stay away from strangers with candy in vans, because Shalon's (Nasim Pedrad) enthusiasm leads them to harm's way.
: The proprieter (Edward Norton) of Spooky City fools Steve Harvey (Kenan Thompson) with a demonstration Halloween wordplay costumes.
: Steve Harvey.
The Midnight Coterie of Sinister Intruders
: In a trailer for a horror film by Wes Anderson, Owen Wilson (Edward Norton) tries to protect his family from murderers.
: A business meeting is interrupted by possums and awestruck critter controllers Mitchell (Brooks Wheelan) and Russell (Edward Norton).
: Before finalizing a drug exchange, dealer (Mike O'Brien) has his idiot savant Hank (Edward Norton) count the trade money.
Janelle Monae performs "Dance Apocalyptic"
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
: Secondhand News correspondent Anthony Crispino (Bobby Moynihan) has misheard more of the latest items in the news.
: Anthony Crispino.
12 Days Not a Slave
: Thrilled to no longer be a slave following the Emancipation Proclamation, Cecil (Jay Pharoah) fully expects the rest of the Deep South to share in his joy.
: Teenaged waitstaffers can't wait to get off from work and fantasize about actually having real sex.
Janelle Monae performs "The Electric Lady"
: Dad (Edward Norton) sorts through bucket of candy with a little help from Diego (Bobby Moynihan) and Adul Ruth (Aidy Bryant).
Dress Rehearsal Cuts