Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 4














13d: Edward Norton / Janelle Monae

A Message From the Department of Health & Human Services

Kathleen Sebelius.....Kate McKinnon
I.T. Guy.....Bobby Moynihan

[ open on department seal ]

Announcer: And now, a message from the Department of Health & Human Services.

[ dissolve to Kathleen Sebelius ]

Kathleen Sebelius: Hello there, hi! I'm Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary of Health under President Obama. Now, a lot of folks have been talking about our new health care enrollment website... how it's been crashing and freezing and shutting down and stalling and not working and breaking and sucking.

Well, tonight, I have a number of friendly tips to help you deal with those technical problems. For example, have you tried restarting your computer? Sometimes it helps to turn the computer off, and then turn it back on! We don't know why, it just does!

If our website still isn't loading up properly, we're probably just overloaded with traffic. Millions of Americans are visiting healthcare.gov, which is great news. Unfortunately, the site was only designed to handle six users at a time. So if you're in a rush... [ she turns to reveal the website up on a computer screen ] Consider using our low-res website... [ she clicks button to "U WANT DOCTR?" screen ] With simpler fonts and graphics. Nice! Or, if the regular English site isn't working... try signing up in a different language, like, say... Icelandic. [ she clicks to screen ] And then choose one of four simple plans: Fjordflug, Huegelhoffer, Trollish, or High-Five. Now that's fun!

And if our site keeps freezing, we've also provided links to other helpful websites, such as kayak.com... where you can purchase airline tickets to Canada, and buy cheaper prescription drugs. Or how about bitTorrent, where you can download pirated copies of healthcare-related movies like "Patch Adams"! We also have links to a number of doctor-themed pornographic websites that should help you pass the time. Sites like "Docors Without Boundaries"... "Bang Ambulance"... "WebM DD's"... and "Blue Cross Blue Balls."

Still need guidance? Consult healthcare.gov's Frequently Asked Questions, for topics like: "What The Hell?", "How Have I Been On The Same Page For Three Hours?", "Does ObamaCare Cover Mental Health Issues Causes By Using This Website?", and our most frequently asked question: "Who The Government?"

Or you can contact us by mail. Just send a postcard with the word "HELP!" to "The U.S. Government. ATTN: Internet Problems, Washington, D.C." And in six to eight weeks, you;ll receive an informational brochure. [ she holds up pamphlet: "So You Want To Do Computer?" ] Along with a trial version of Encarta Encyclopedia. Plus: 1,000 free hours of AOL! Just don't install any of these programs while our website is running, or it WILL cause an actual fire.

So enjoy your new healthcare system, America! And be sure to Like Us on Facebook. [ she clicks a button to reveal the thumbs-up symbol ] Oh, look at that! We're already up to THREE Likes! And I LIKE... that enthusiasm!

[ she clicks another button, accidentally starting a Virus Download ]

I.T.! Could we get someone from I.T. in here? We've got a problem.

[ I.T. Guy enters with a baseball bat and smashes the computer to pieces ]

I.T. Guy: FIXED IT!!

[ he exits ]

Kathleen Sebelius: Oh! Oh! And I almost forgot the most important thing of all. Whatever happens, do not... [ the screen freezes with a spinning rainbow circle, then finally resumes ] ...or you WILL die. Thank you for listening, and "Live From New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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