Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 5
























13e: Kerry Washington / Eminem

Ice Cream

Clerk....Kyle Mooney
Man.....Beck Bennett
Woman.....Vanessa Bayer
Manager.....Taran Killam
Paramedics.....Kenan Thompson, Kate McKinnon, Noel Wells, Jay Pharoah

[ open on ice cream shop, as a couple walks up to the counter ]

Clerk: What can I get for you guys?

Woman: Can I have a scoop of vanilla and chocolate chip?

Man: And I'll have a waffle cone with... cookies and cream annnnnnd... chocolate peanut butter. Oh -- and we're also gonna need, uh, two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we're done!

[ she laughs with him ]

[ Clerk stares at them blankly ]

Man: Just because of all the sugar. You know? It's just a joke.

[ Clerk stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what's going through his mind: introspective scenery of walking along the riverbank and contemplating it all ]

Man V/O: Oh, we're also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we're done! [ he laughs ] Just because of all the sugar... Of all the sugar... Of all the sugar...

[ scene morphs back into the ice cream shop ]

Man: Sorry, didn't mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine.

Clerk: Uhhh...

[ Clerk stares blankly, then the scene morphs to him perusing books at the library, performing math calculations, trying to digest as much information as he can ]

Man V/O: Sorry, didn't mean to, uh, give you too much to think about. Just the ice cream would be fine. I'll have a waffle cone with cookies and cream... and chocolate peanut butter. We're also gonna need two ambulances to wheel us out of here when we're done.

[ back at the ice cream shop, Clerk has an out-of-body experience and appears behind the couple ]

Man: It's just a joke...

[ the Manager walks up ]

Manager: Is everything okay here, folks?

Man: Uh, no -- not really. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here. But it was just a joke!

Woman: Yeah!

[ the Manager also stares blankly, as the scene morphs into what's going through his mind: seeking information at the library with the Clerk, then an out-of-body experience of his own ]

Man V/O: I joked about ordering so much ice cream, that we might need a couple of ambulances to get us out of here.

Manager V/O: Is everything alright here?

Man V/O: No, everything's not okay. We just ordered some ice cream, and I joked about ordering so much ice cream that we might need a couple of ambulances... a couple of ambulances... a couple of ambulances... a couple of ambulances...

[ the Manager and Clerk test the ice cream for sugar intake, eventually going so far as to require assistance from paramedics, who burst into the ice cream shop in real-time to revive them, as the stunned couple watch ]

Paramedics: Hey, what the hell happened here?!

Man: Nothing! We were just ORDERING ice cream, and then I made a JOKE about needing tow ambulances to take us out of here!

[ the paramedics laugh, then turn sour ]

[ suddenly, the Manager chokes up his waffle cone and smiles ]

Manager: Oh, I get it!

[ the Man throws his arms up in defeat ]

[ fade ]


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