Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 6


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13f: Lady Gaga

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

.....Seth Meyers
.....Cecily Strong
Mr. Senior.....Kenan Thompson
Salvation Army worker.....Aisy Bryant
Man.....Beck Bennett
Woman.....Noel Wells
Office Worker.....Nasim Pedrad
Jebidiah Atkinson.....Taran Killam

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I'm Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight's top stories!

President Obama, on Thursday, admitted that there were flaws in the Affordable Care Act, saying: “We did fumble the ball. And then the Republicans recovered it. And then we tried to chase after them and then our pants fell down."

Speaker of the House John Boehner criticized President Obama’s attempt to repair the Affordable Care Act, saying, “There is no way to fix this.” And statements like that are just one of the reasons Boehner is known as the Eeyore of Congress.

The woman who was featured on the HealthCare.gov homepage said this week that after the law’s flawed launch, she became the victim of cyberbullying. But that’s the risk you run when you choose to get into the glamorous, high-stakes world of stock photo modeling.

Cecily Strong: The Obama Administration revealed this week that only 26,000 people bought health insurance on the federal HealthCare.gov site in October. Which isn’t that surprising, because Americans refuse to buy any kind of insurance without first seeing a funny commercial.

This week, we found out what happens when a Canadian finally stops being polite, and starts getting real.

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, on Thursday, denied claims that he offered to give a female staff member oral sex, saying that he is happily married and quote “got more than enough to eat at home.” Though after that press conference, I’m betting the kitchen’s closed.

Seth Meyers: Ford, this week, also signed limited-edition bobblehead dolls of himself outside City Hall. Interesting fact: Bobblehead is one of the side effects of smoking crack.

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, this week, criticized a ruling that the new World Trade Center was taller than his city’s Willis Tower, saying that the Trade Center’s 400-foot spire is just an antenna and should not count. Responded Mayor Bloomberg: "He’s just mad because I’m taller than him."

Cecily Strong: The official Rockefeller Christmas tree arrived this week. Here to comment, is our Common Sense correspondent making sense in a world gone mad: Mr. Senior.

Mr. Senior: Oh, good evening, Cess-uh-lee! What day is it?

Cecily Strong: Today is... Saturday, November 16th.

Mr. Senior: Oh, hmmm! Well, according to my calculations, that is a FULL 39 days... until Christmas! If MATH still means anything! Cess-uh-lee! Every year, this Christmas mess starts earlier and earlier! "Trick or treat!" "Merry Christmas!" It shouldn't be that damn fast! There's something in the middle! It's called... Giving Thanks! Stop and smell stuffing. Every year, it's sooner and sooner. It said on my TV: Holiday cups at Starbucks. Cess-uh-lee! It's 60 degrees outside, and I already gotta decide which Black Christmas movie I want to see! Craftsman holiday... Black nativity. ENOUGH!!

Cecily Strong: Okay, so what should we do?

Mr. Senior: I'll tell you what I did -- I took matters into my own hands and filed this special report!

Cecily Strong: Okay. Let's take a look.

[ cut to filmed report ]

Mr. Senior: Okay, it's, uh... Mr. Senior. I'm here in New York, where folks are goin' early Christmas crazy. [ through bullhorn ] Hey! Get on outta here now! Get! Go home! Come back in three weeks!

[ cut to base of Rockefeller Christmas tree ]

Mr. Senior: Attention! Attention, workers! Come down from this tree, this is much too early!

[ cut to Salvation Army worker ]

Salvation Army Worker: Merry Christmas! 'Tis the season!

Mr. Senior: [ running up ] NO!! ENOUGH!! It is the middle of November! I'll give you some money, but NEXT MONTH!! [ he grabs her bell and runs off ] Thanksgiving is first! Thanksgiving is first!

[ cut to Mr. Senior running up to a man wearing a Santa hat ]

Mr. Senior: [ pulling it off ] NO!!

Man: Whoa!

[ cut to Rockefeller skaing rink ]

Mr. Senior: You out here too soon! It's too early!

[ cut to woman handing out candy canes to kids ]

Woman: Would you like a candy cane?

Kids: Thank you!

Mr. Senior: [ running up and grabbing the candy canes ] No! No! Not yet! Not yet! [ he stomps on the candy canes ]

[ cut to an office filled with Christmas decorations ]

Mr. Senior: Noooo!! Too soon! Too soooooon! Too soon, no! Now, put up a turkey or something! Give me the Santa Claus!

Office Worker: No!

Mr. Senior: Give me Santa!

Office Worker: No!

Mr. Senior: Oh, you tough, ain't ya'?

[ cut to Mr. Santa running through the street with the decorations ]

Mr. Senior: Uh, excuse me! Sorry! [ to the camera ] Well, looks like some people still don't understand! That's too bad! This has been Mr. Senior... Happy Thanksgiving! [ Security officers grab him ] I'm out! Oh, I'm going to jail. I'm going to jail! Happy Thanksgiving!

[ return to the newsdesk ]

Cecily Strong: Mr. Senior!

Seth Meyers: A library in Chicago is now allowing patrons to look at porn on their computers as long as they show ID first. Said people who look at porn in the library: "No deal!"

Cecily Strong: A new restaurant has opened in New York City called Maid Café, in which the waitresses dress up like French maids and call diners “master.” Maid Café is the first restaurant to be created for the sole purpose of inspiring an episode of "SVU."

A fire at a New York State factory that makes knishes has led to a nationwide shortage. Officials suspect knarson.

Seth Meyers: Researchers at Brigham Young University are studying ways to prevent urine “splash back” when men use the toilet. “Hurry up!” said men in khakis.

Scientists have discovered a clam that is 507 years old, making it the oldest animal ever discovered. The clam was spotted as it settled in to watch "NCIS."

Cecily Strong: A Scottish man survived after he was attacked by a crocodile while playing golf in Mexico. This, according to a recent Mad Libs.

A school bus driver in Maine was suspended after she allegedly put Hello Kitty duct tape on students’ mouths. Although, the most disturbing part of this story is that Hello Kitty makes duct tape.

Seth Meyers: This week, a Pennsylvania newspaper printed a retraction of an opinion piece that ran in 1863, which panned Abraham Lincoln's historic Gettysburg Address. Here now to comment: The author of that negative review, the Patriot & Union speech critic Jebidiah Atkinson.

Jebidiah Atkinson: [ sternly ] Thank you for having me, Seth!

Seth Meyers: So, uh, Jebidiah -- you were actually underwhelmed by President Lincoln's Gettysburg Address, calling it "silly" and saying that "history would soon forget it."

Jebidiah Atkinson: Correct.

Seth Meyers: How do you feel about the newspaper's retraction?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I stand by my words! They're COWARDS, Seth! In fact, my first draft was much harsher, and I was told to tone it down!

Seth Meyers: Wow. So what was the first draft?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you like to hear it?

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Jebidiah Atkinson: It goes like such: [ reading ] "Four snores and seven yawns ago, this reviewer watched the President's speech at Gettysburg and, let's be honest, Abe, you dropped a real Lincoln log! You know what the real Gettysburg Address is? 1-1-5 West Boring Street! And then, there's the venue: a field! Great acoustics! Sorry if I couldn't hear you; I was in the second row!"

Seth Meyers: Wow! You didn't like it at all!

Jebidiah Atkinson: I did NOT! What's to like? "The world will little note nor long remember what we said here" -- oof! With dialogue THAT clunky, I'm surprised he was shot by an actor! [ the audience groans ] Oh, was that too soon? Get over it, he's on the 5!

Seth Meyers: You really didn't like Lincoln?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Not at all! Too lanky, big nose, and don't get me started on that beard; What was her name, Mary Todd?

Seth Meyers: Tell me -- Have you reviewed any other speeches over the years?

Jebidiah Atkinson: [ excited ] I've reviewed ALL the speeches! And I'm NOT a fan!! Patrick Henry: "Give me liberty or give me death." DEATH, please! [ he tosses his note card, which bounces off his face ] NEXT!! John F. Kennedy! I'll tell you what you can do for my country: a-wrap it up! [ he tosses his note card ] NEXT!! Martin Luther King! Yuo have a dream? That's great! I had a train to catch, and I missed it! [ he tosses his note cards over the desk ] Next! Jesus! The Sermon on the Mount: "Blessed are the meek?" More like, Blessed are the DEAF because they don't have to listen to this big, great poem! And GREAT location, Jesus! The Mount? Any reason we had to climb half-an-hour to hear this?! Also, nice fan base! I've got a leper on one side of me, and a PROSTITUTE on the other! Oh, and Bravo on the food -- There's nothing like MOUNTAINTOP FISH on a HOT day!! [ he tosses his note cards ] NEXT! Oh... wait. I've got one on FDR's Pearl Harbor speech, but I probably shouldn't do it after the audience were such BITCHES about the John Wilkes Booth joke.

Seth Meyers: [ laughing ] Yeah, I wouldn't do it!

Jebidiah Atkinson: I might do it! I'm GOING to do it!

Seth Meyers: Alright...

Jebidiah Atkinson: "You know what day will live in infamy? December 8th, 1941, when FDR gave a speech that was SO boring ASS!!" [ laughing ] I think I misquoted myself!

Seth Meyers: I've gotta say, that's not your best written one!

Jebidiah Atkinson: That was a rough draft! I could have used a couple Kamikazees after that!

Seth Meyers: I think you were a Kamikazee!

Jebidiah Atkinson: I'm not, you know. It's so hard being a critic, but I love it, Seth!

Seth Meyers: Yeah!

Jebidiah Atkinson: Yeah, it's so much more fun than my last job.

Seth Meyers: What was your last job?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Failed speechwriter!

Seth Meyers: Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone! For "Weekend Update", I'm Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I'm Cecily Strong! Good night!


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