Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 8
December 7th 2013
The Sound of Music: Live & Condensed
: The truncated live version of "The Sound of Music" runs ridiculously long with the unnecessary addition of Dooneese (Kristen Wiig) and Lawrence Welk (Fred Armisen).
: Dooneese, Lawrence Welk.
Paul Rudd's Monologue
: Paul Rudd initiates a Battle of the Boy Bands by pitting himself, Will Ferrell, David Koechner and Steve Carell against One Direction.
: Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) discusses the healthcare.gov website with unpaid Huffington Post contributor Peter Douchet (Paul Rudd).
: Al Sharpton.
One Direction's #1 Fan
: Grown man Dan Charles (Paul Rudd) is One Direction's #1 fan.
: Mr. and Mrs. Keller (Paul Rudd, Vanessa Bayer) want a divorce, yet are still mutually attracted to Fleetwood Mac's "I Don't Want to Know."
One Direction performs "Story of My Life"
Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
: The male model (Paul Rudd) who posed for Michelangelo's (Taran Killam) David is embarrassed by his tiny sculpted penis.
: Paul Rudd stars in multiple roles in a black holiday movie geared for white audiences.
: Santa Claus (Paul Rudd) is a changed man after experiencing rapid weight loss just before Christmas.
One Direction performs "Through the Dark"
: Copier salesman (Will Ferell, David Koechner, Taran Killam, Paul Rudd) wax nostalgic about Bill Brasky while drinking at a Chuck E. Cheese's.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts