Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 9


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:





Bit Players:


December 14th 2013

John Goodman

Kings of Leon

None

Robert DeNiro

Sylvester Stallone

Wale

None

A Message From the President of the United States
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) addresses recent snafus while the interpretor (Kenan Thompson) from Nelson Mandela's funeral makes faulty hand gestures in the background.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Angela Merkel.

Transcript


Montage


John Goodman's Monologue
Summary: John Goodman and Kenan Thompson sing "All I Want for Christmas is Booty".


Guy Fieri's Full Throttle Chrismtas Special
Summary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) serves up dinner and fun with tons of wacky celebrity guests.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri, Kid Rock, Bret Michaels, Vern Troyer, Duane Chapman.


Dance of the Snowflakes
Summary: The inner thoughts of snowflakes dancers (John Goodman, Vanessa Bayer, Kenan Thompson, Aidy Bryant) question their better judgment for performing such mediocre dance moves.

Transcript


Three Wise Guys
Summary: Three Wise Guys from Jersey (John Goodman, Robert DeNiro, Sylvester Stallone) follow the footsteps of the Three Wise Men to visit the Baby Jesus.


Kings of Leon perform "Temple"


Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong
Summary: Santa Claus (Kenan Thompson) reveals that he actually is a Black man. Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) discusses Christmas with his family and brings out his Drunker Uncle (John Goodman).

Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.


Too Hot
Summary: Jenaveve Lazarra (John Goodman) sues her former boss (Beck Bennett) for firing her for being "too hot."

Transcript


Fire Safety
Summary: Captain Lemkee (John Goodman) tries in vain to teach kids to stay out of the fireplace during Christmas, because Shallon's (Nasim Pedrad) enthusiasm leads them to harm's way.

Recurring Characters: Shallon, Ms. Filley, students.


Hallmark Channel Countdown to Christmas
Summary: A slew of ridiculously cheesy made-for-TV Christmas movies are coming to the Hallmark Channel.


Kings of Leon perform "Wait For Me"


The Christmas Whistle
Summary: Patriarch (John Goodman) learns the meaning of Christmas and the value of family thanks to the "The Christmas Whistle" that the angel Bartholemew (Taran Killam) is choking on.


H&M
Summary: In a rap video parody, a portly man (John Goodman) shops for tiny clothing on the cheap at H&M.


Last Call
Summary: Drunken Vernon Crotcher (John Goodman) and Sheila Sovage (Kate McKinnon) hit if off after they're the last singles left in the bar at closing time.

Recurring Characters: Sheila Sovage.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




SNL Transcripts