13l: Jonah Hill / Bastille
Jonah Hill's Monologue
Female Audience Member.....NoŽl Wells
Male Audience Member.....John Milhiser
Brad Pitt.....Taran KIllam
Anbnouncer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Jonah Hill!
Jonah Hill: Thank you! Ah, um... thank you, thank you. It is so great to be back here hosting "SNL" for the third time. Honestly, my whole life feels like a dream come true right now. Between "Moneyball" and "Wolf of Wall Street" and getting nominated for my second Academy Award, you know... [ audience cheers ] I just, uh... I just couldn't be more grateful, and, you know, the thing about being an Oscar-nominated actor is --
Female Audience Member: Excuse me?
Jonah Hill: Uh... yes, can I help you?
Female Audience Member: [ excited ] Um... hi! I was just, uh, wondering: What is it like working with Leonardo DiCaprio?
Jonah Hill: Oh, I wasn't really opening up the floor for questions, but, uh -- okay! Leo -- which is short for Leonardo -- you know, he's a terrific guy, and he's still learning, you know? He'sobviously a huge star. Anyway, when I do an Oscar movie --
Male Audience Member: Hi.
Jonah Hill: Yes. You, Sir.
Male Audience Member: Hi. Um... What's Leo's hair like? Is it, like, beautiful?
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] I don't know! It's... it's decent, I guess. Not that memorable. Kind of like mine, maybe a little worse. Yes. You. Brad Pitt.
Brad Pitt: Hey, man! Just wanted to say... I had a BLAST working with you in "Moneyball" -- Bahhh!
Jonah Hill: Okay!
Brad Pitt: And you... have developed into a great dramatic actor -- Bahhhh!!
Jonah Hill: Oh, my God! Thank you, Brad, that's very nice of you to say.
Brad Pitt: Also, uh -- What's DiCaprio like, huh? I bet he was the BEST!! BAHHHH!!!
Jonah Hill: Okay. Okay, look, you want to know the truth? The truth is: Leo wasn't even supposed to BE in the movie! Okay? Here's what happened! I call up Marty Scorcese. I say, "Marty. It's J.H. I'm ready to get in the ring again!" He says, "Finally!" Then, I say, "Should we get DiCaprio on board?" And Marty says, "I don't know if he can handle it. Sure, he's a movie star, he puts teenaged girls in the seats. But we need a REAL actor, like YOU!" Okay? That's what --
[ the audience screams wildly, as Leonardo DiCaprio saunters into view ]
Jonah Hill: [ worried ] Oh, my God...! Oh..!
Leonardo DiCaprio: Hey, buddy!
Jonah Hill: Ohhhh, God, nooo!
Leonardo DiCaprio: I have a question. What the hell are you doing, man?
Jonah Hill: Oh, nothing much! I was pretty much just talking you up big time, just saying what a baller you are at acting...!
Leonardo DiCaprio: No, no, I don't think you were, man. I mean, I actually came here to support you. I've been backstage the whole time.
Jonah Hill: [ stammering ] Uhhh... you-you-you were... backstage...?! That's WEIRD, man! Maybe the ACOUSTICS are messed up or something, 'cause I was totally hyping you up! I was like, "Heyyyy, you know what's eating Gilbert Grape? THis guy right here! He's taking a big ol' BITE out of that juicy grape!" You know?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Really?
Jonah Hill: Yeah! I was like, you know, "This guy Leo taught me EVERYTHING I know, and I'd be NOTHING Without him, and he's such a MODEL... both physically -- like he has the looks of a model, but also a ROLE model! And he's really charitable... and "The Aviator"...
Leonardo DiCaprio: Hold on, Jonah. Forget about all that, okay? Why don't you just be honest about what you're doing right now? Seriously.
Jonah Hill: [ meekly ] I was, uh... I was acting like a bigshot.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what did we say about acting like a bigshot in public like this?
Jonah Hill: We said that, like... like I... shouldn't do it.
Leonardo DiCaprio: Right. And what should you do instead?
Jonah Hill: I should just, like... try to, like... be the best version of me, or whatever...
Leonardo DiCaprio: Jonah, I knew this was gonna happen if you got nominated, but you don't have to pretend any more. You're a real ACTOR now! You should be HUMBLE! You should be GRACIOUS! Get it?
Jonah Hill: Yeah, I'm sorry. I get it. I just got so excited, you know?
Leonardo DiCaprio: I know. I remember.
Jonah Hill: Hey, Lee?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah, J?
Jonah Hill: Remember when we were on set, and I-I would get really nervous?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember.
Jonah Hill: Can we do the thing we always did every day, the thing that made me feel safe?
Leonardo DiCaprio: Is it gonna help you be, uh... less nervous?
Jonah Hill: Yeah.
Leonardo DiCaprio: [ sighs ] Yeah, sure. We can do it.
Jonah Hill: Alright. Thanks, man.
[ "Titanic" instrumental theme plays, as Jonah stretches out his arms and DiCaprio wraps his arms around him ]
Jonah Hill: "Am I flying, Jack?"
Leonardo DiCaprio: "Yes, Rose! Yes, you're flying!" Jonah's got a GREAT show for you tonight! Bastille is here! Stick around, and he'll be right back!