Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 13


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13m: Melissa McCarthy / Imagine Dragons

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers & Cecily Strong

.....Seth Meyers
.....Cecily Strong
Buford Calloway.....Taran Killam
.....Amy Poehler
Stefon.....Bill Hader
.....Andy Samberg
David Paterson.....Fred Armisen

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Seth Meyers and Cecily Strong.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I'm Seth Meyers!

Cecily Strong: I'm Cecily Strong!

Seth Meyers: And here are tonight's top stories!

This week, President Obama delivered the State of the Union address. While Joe Biden just delivered.

Willie Robertson, one of the stars of "Duck Dynasty", attended the State of the Union as a guest of Representative Vance McAllister. And no one was more upset about it than Louisiana Senator Bill Quackenbush.

Cecily Strong: A former speech writer for President Bush accused President Obama of plagiarizing parts of this weekís State of the Union from Bushís 2007 address. I have to admit, it was a little odd when Obama suddenly said, "Man, Iím super bad at being president."

This Sunday, the Super Bowl will be played in Met Life Stadium in New Jersey. Just as soon as they finally convince Eli Manning to leave the field. "You did your best. Not your fault, bud. Come on, sweetheart. We got pizza rolls."

The crafts store Michaels is investigating a possible data breach involving customersí credit and debit card information. Said people who shop at Michaels: "Please steal my identity."

Seth Meyers: A rare winter storm, this week, paralyzed Atlanta, leaving drivers stranded on snowy roads for hours despite only two inches of accumulation. Here to comment is a survivor of the storm -- Atlanta resident Buford Calloway.

Buford Calloway: [ breathing heavily as he clutches his handkerchief ] Salutations, Mr. Meyers! Thank yew kindly for having me!

Seth Meyers: So, Buford, tell us about the storm.

Buford Calloway: Ohhh, Sethory! It was HORRIBLE!! You could never imagine such a STORM!! Lord, I'll never forget when I saw those first flakes of DEVIL'S DANDRUFF!!

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, "Devil's Dandruff"? Do you mean snow?

Buford Calloway: Yes, I do, Sethory! CONNECTICUT CONFETTI! New England CLAM POWDER!! OBAMA'S WHITE FRIEND! It was something awful!

Seth Meyers: It was only two inches!

Buford Calloway: Welllllllll... this is the SOUTH, Sethory! We're not equipped to deal with snow! And I'm willing to admit that I may have overreacted. For example, when the storm first started, I pre=emptively shot my NEIGHBOR, lest he raid my Cosco stage!

Seth Meyers: Yeah, Buford, I'd say that's a pretty bad overreaction!

Buford Calloway: A bit?

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Buford Calloway: I told you, Sethory, we don't know how to handle SNOW! I'm not from one of those northern states, like Vermont or South Carolina!

Seth Meyers: Okay! So what happened next?

Buford Calloway: Well, Sir, I climbed into my wife's Escalaaaaad... and I went to the safest place I could think of: The Interstate! And that, Sethory, is where mah nightmare truly began! My vehicle sliding hither and tither, and higgledy piggledy, until I ended up all cattywhumpus with nothing around me but other white Escalaaaaades! And there I remained... TRAPPED,,, with nothing to drink but four liters of sweet Dixie champagne.

Seth Meyers: I'm sorry, "Dixie champagne"?

Buford Calloway: I was referring to Coca-Collaaaage.

Seth Meyers: Sure, sure! Well, that actually doesn't sound that bad...

Buford Calloway: HOW DARE YOU, SIR!!! Ah have stared into the eyes of the Polar Vortex, Sethory... amd I have faced down TWO entire INCHES of NEW HAMPSHIRE COCAINE!!

Seth Meyers: Okay! So, how'd you finally get out of there?

Buford Calloway: I was rescued.

Seth Meyers: Okay. By who?

Buford Calloway: The sun!

Seth Meyers: Oh, boy...

Buford Calloway: Sethory, the skies parted and the fair Georgia lady shone her golden radiance down upon the YANKEE SLUSH!! And I knew... in that moment... that the SUN WLL RISE AGAIN!!

Seth Meyers: Buford Calloway, everybody!

Buford Calloway: You're my favorite Union newscaster!

Cecily Strong: The Arizona Republican Party, this week, formally censured Senator John McCain, saying that his voting record is too liberal. Said McCain: "Oh, Iíve been through much worse." [ image: Vietnam ] Oh no, not that. [ image: Sarah Palin ] Yeah, there it is.

Seth Meyers: During a ceremony this week at the Vatican, in which two doves were released by children in the name of world peace, a seagull and crow swooped down and attacked the doves. Said former Pope Benedict: "Excellent, my petsssss!" WAs that good? Was that enough? I think that was enough!

Google, this week, unveiled new designs for its Google Glass wearable device that look like more traditional glasses. Because you donít want to look nerdy when youíre wearing a COMPUTER on your FACE!

Cecily Strong: A personal trainer in New York City has developed a new work out regime called "Sexercise" that uses various squats and lunges to help people increase their stamina during sex. Said the trainer: "Anyway, Iím required by law to notify you that Iím living in your neighborhood."

A New Zealand man, who was attacked by a shark, stitched up his own wounds on shore then went to a pub for a beer before heading to the hospital. Even more impressive, the shark bought the first round.

Seth Meyers: Florida Representative Trey Radel, who was convicted of cocaine possession, announced this week that he will resign from Congress. Radel says he wants to spend more time with whoeverís still awake.

The four members of Motley Crue have decided to dissolve the group after they complete this final tour, while fans of the band have decided to dissolve something in your drink when youíre not looking.

A Montana man who was wearing a hat with the word "Weed" on it, was arrested after police found 6 pounds of marijuana in his car. Police knew where to look for the drugs because his shirt said: "is in the trunk."

Cecily Strong: What? Wait. Was that your... last joke?

Seth Meyers: Yeah, it was.

[ audience awws ]

Cecily Strong: Um... it's been so fun working with you! And you're such a wonderful person! And, um... [ choking up ] Sorry! A couple friends wanted to stop by and say something.

[ Amy Poehler and Stefon appear at the desk ]

Amy Poehler: Hi! Hi! Hi! We're so sorry we're late! Stefon took me to his favorite clubs.

Stefon: Crease... Twice... Slice...

Amy Poehler: Gush... Push... and what was that last one?

Stefon: Oh. Kevin?

Seth Meyers: So, wait -- What are you guys doing here?

Amy Poehler: Seth, we are here to take you to "the other side."

Stefon: We're like a gateway drug -- you know, like bath salts and Meow Meow!

Amy Poehler: We are SO proud of you, you have been the HEART of this show for over a decade.

Stefon: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: Yes!

[ the audience cheers wildly ]

Stefon: Yeah, you're like the Sting of "SNL".

Seth Meyers: Wait... why am I like the Sting of "SNL"?

Stefon: Because it takes you twelve years to finish!

Cecily Strong: And, on that, we're gonna miss you SO much, Seth.

Stefon: [ angry ] You barely KNOW HIM!!

Seth Meyers: I'm so sorry, Cecily. This is Amy, this is Stefon.

[ Stefon hisses at Cecily ]

Amy Poehler: I just want to say, Cecily -- You are doing such a great job.

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Cecily Strong: Thank you, Amy! And, Stefon? Seth has told me so much about you--

Stefon: Keep my man's name OUT of ya' MOUTH!!

Seth Meyers: Could I ask you something? What's it like out there?

Amy Poehler: Oh, the world outside of "SNL" -- ohh, Seth, my friend, it's so weird and cool. God, how can I put this...?

Stefon: That place has EVERYTHING!

Amy Poehler: Everything! Opportunities and new adventures--

Stefon: Homeless weightlifters who look like The Croods.

Amy Poehler: New friends, a new show--

Stefon: Japanese daredevil Yolo Ohno... Human DVRs...

Seth Meyers: Okay, I'm sorry, Stefon, what are Human DVRs?

Stefon: It's that thing where a midget sits on your TV and tells you what happened on "Scandal".

Seth Meyers: Sure.

Stefon: And like a regular cable box, it goes down all the time.

Seth Meyers: Stefon! [ he laughs ]

[ suddenly, Andy Samberg appears ]

Andy Samberg: 2... 3... [ inging ] "It's so ha-ard, to say goodbye... to yesterdayyyyy-heee-hoooo-hooooo-heeeee!"

Seth Meyers: Andy, buddy? Thank you for coming to my last show.

Andy Samberg: It's your last show?!

Seth Meyers: God... Uh, it is my last show, and I just want to say being on here with my co-anchors and my dear friend and my husband is the PERFECT Way to end. This is the job I always wanted, and I had the best time and I met the best people and I just want to thank the crew and the cast and especially the writers and Lorne. Thank you very much. Take us out, Cecily.

Cecily Strong: For "Weekend Update", I'm Cecily Strong!

Amy Poehler: I'm Amy Poehler!

Stefon: I'm Stefon Meyers!

Seth Meyers: And I'm Seth Meyers! Good night!


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