Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 14


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13n: Jim Parsons / Beck

Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost

.....Cecily Strong
.....Colin Jost
Charles Barkley.....Kenan Thompson
Shaquille O'Neal.....Jay Pharoah
Jebidiah Atkinson.....Taran Killam

Announcer: "Weekend Update", with Cecily Strong and Colin Jost.

Colin Jost: Good evening, I'm Colin Jost!

Cecily Strong: I'm Cecily Strong! And welcome to "Update", Colin!

Colin Jost: Aww, thank you, Cecily. [ the audience applauds enthusiastically ] Thank you, guys. Before we start, I just want to say that I'm so grateful and excited to be here tonight. This is really a dream come true to me, so thank you, guys. Thank you, Cecily.

Cecily Strong: Should I go?

Colin Jost: Let's do it.

Cecily Strong: Alright, here are tonight's top stories:

President Obama, this week, launched a new effort to help young minority men, warning them not to make the same mistakes he did when he was their age, such as get high and not take school seriously -- unless, of course, they DEFINITELY want to be president.

First-Lady Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" campaign released a video Thursday showing President Obama and Joe Biden exercising by running around the White House. And I think it's probably hard for all of us to imagine Joe Biden running around withot hearing this music: [ "Yakety SAx" chase music from "The Benny Hill Show" ]

Colin Jost: North Korea, on Thursday, launched four short-range missiles into the East Sea, as retaliation against a wave that knocked down Kim Jong Un.

Jason Collins made history this week when he became the first openly gay athlete to play on a major professional sports team. Said Red Sox fans: "How 'bout Jeetah?!"

Cecily Strong: It was announced this week that the rock group Kiss will not play when they are inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame next month, since they cannot decide on which line-up of the band should perform. Plus, no one will cover their shifts at Radio Shack.

Colin Jost: As we mentioned before, Jason Collins became the first openly gay athlete to play in the NBA. Here to give us their perspective, from "Inside the NBA", are Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal.

Charles Barkley: Heyyyyyy! What is happening! Hey there, Colin!

Shaquille O'Neal: Big fundamental in da house!

Colin Jost: Uh, what's up, guys? Nice beads, Shaq.

Charles Barkley: Yeah, yeah! We were just in N'awlins for the All-Star Game.

Shaquille O'Neal: Yes. I love New Orleans. Good town. Good food. Good jamabalayou!

Charles Barkley: "Jamabalayou"? Oh, man! He's trying to say "Jambalaya" but when he says long words, his mouth just GIVES UP! But Shaw was at the Dunk Contest, though. He sat on the throne while Ben Macklmore and the Kings jumped over him.

Shaquille O'Neal: Yes! Put the king in the middle! Made the king king.

Charles Barkley: Man! When he jumped over you, he must have kicked you square in the head and knocked all the promounds out of you!

Colin Jost: Now, Charles, what do you think about the Nets signing Jason Collins?

Charles Barkley: I don't think it was a good idea.

Colin Jost: Not a good idea? Just because he's gay?

Charles Barkley: No! Because he's TURRIBLE! Colin, so far this man has played 25 minutes, and he got 3 points and 9 fouls! [ silence, as Shaq counts with his fingers ] You know what I'm talking about, Shaq?

Shaquille O'Neal: Yes! Yes, I do! That's 1 foul per minute.

Charles Barkley: NO, IT'S NOT!! Come on, Shaq! You supposed to be a college graduate! I've seen that fake-ass diploma! Look, man, the Nets know Jason Collins is not that great. They only gave him a ten-day contract. I've taken longer NAPS than that!

Shaquille O'Neal: I just took a nap! The nap took less than a second!

Charles Barkley: Oh, my God... Shaq! That's called BLINKING! I swear, I'm gonna get you a LIFE ALERT! I'm worried about you being home alone!

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think about the New York Knicks?

Charles Barkley: Ohhh, man, that team is a DISGRACE! They paying Amar'e Stoudemire $20 million to just sit on his butt and do nothing! It's the same contract TNT has with Shaq! [ he laughs ]

Shaquille O'Neal: I like TNT! They give me money! Gave me a chair! I love chairs!

Charles Barkley: Oh, no, Shaq! What's wrong with your head? I mean, you put a Q-tip in your ear and it just drops down your throat! Look! Colin. Colon? Colin?

Colin Jost: Colin.

Charles Barkley: Colin! The Knicks are in trouble! Their point guard Raymond Felton just got in trouble for pulling a gun on his wife!

Shaquille O'Neal: Earlier tonight... Charles pulled a gun on me!

Charles Barkley: Noooo!! I did NOT!

Shaquille O'Neal: Yes, you did!

Charles Barkley: I did not! That was a CHALUPA, and you ATE it! Come on, Shaq! You gotta pull it together, man! You co-signed the loan for my daughter's HOUSE! 'Cause I'm a liability! I'm a liability.

Colin Jost: Sounds like another bad choice. Charles Barkley and Shaquille O'Neal, everybody!

Shaquille O'Neal: Bazinga!

Charles Barkley: That's not your thing! That's not what you do!

Cecily Strong: Taco Bell announced this week that it will start selling breakfast foods, including a waffle taco. "Finally!", said people who wear sweatpants out of necessity. The new breakfast items are part of Taco Bell’s new campaign: "Taco Bell: Weigh Más."

Colin Jost: Piers Morgan announced that he is stepping down from his low rated CNN talk show. Morgan says he wants to spend more time gradually morphing into a potato.

Paula Deen said this week that her struggles resulting from her use of the N-word were like those of gay football player Michael Sam, who she called "That black football player." This according to her publicist’s suicide note.

Cecily Strong: The New York State Court of Appeals ruled this week that rubbing one’s genitals against another person on the subway is considered "forcible touching." While the New Jersey Court of Appeals ruled it "flirting."

Two dogs in Oklahoma went for a three-block long ride in their owner’s car after one of the dogs accidentally knocked the vehicle into gear. And then the other dog "accidentally" opened a map to Las Vegas. And then the first dog "accidentally" put on sunglasses, and the second dog "accidentally" started playing "Bad to the Bone", and then they hit a tree.

Archaeologists in New York City doing work under City Hall Park have discovered a 200-year old vaginal syringe that was used for douching. Said the archeologist who discovered it: "Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!"

Colin Jost: This year marks the 50th anniversary of the Pop Tart, the official breakfast of kids whose parents are in way over their heads.

A Virginia man was arrested after police found his mother locked in the trunk of his car. He’s been charged with one count of finally standing up for himself.

A man in New Jersey has spent the past 30 days in a "Pay It Forward" campaign by doing kind deeds for random strangers, such as paying for gas and giving out subway fare. Said the man, "So... we good?" [ image: Chris Christie ]

Cecily Strong: This Sunday is the Academy Awards. Here with his reviews for some of the contenders for Best Picture, is the man who's been around for all 86 Oscars ceremonies -- 1860's newspaper critic Jebidiah Atkinson.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Thank you, Cecily! Thrilled to be here.

Cecily Strong: Alright. Okay, so, Jebidiah, have you seen all of this year's Best Picture nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Of course! I have been witness to every motion picture since the dawn of cinema... and I'm not impressed!

Cecily Strong: Okay, look, I know you're known as a harsh critic, but I'd be surprised if you didn't enjoy at least a few of this year's nominees.

Jebidiah Atkinson: Would you...? [ he shoots Cecily a dirty look ] Well, I assure you, Cecily, I've watched each nominated film closely, and I think you'll find my reviews to be considered and completely balanced. [ reading ] "This year's 9 Best Picture nominees are the WORST movies ever made!!

"Her": "Guess who was bored by this movie? HIM!! [ he points to himself ] Even the main character spent the whole movie texting. [ he holds a dirty look to the audience ]

"Dallas Buyers Club"! "Sell. The only thing thinner than Matthew McConaughey is the plot."

And don't get me started on "Gravity"! "If I wanted to watch a depressed middle-aged woman float around for 90 minutes, I'd go to the YMCA pool!"

Cecily Strong: Alright, okay, hold on. Did you like any of the Best Picture nominees?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I haven't liked ANY Best Picture nominees EVER!! It's been 86 years of insufferable DREK!! And I've reviewed it all!

"The Godfather": "This film left me thinking one thing: I wish I was that horse." Next!

"Citizen Kane": "If you're in the mood for a terrible movie about a sled, let me recommend "Cool Runnings"! At least THAT'S in COLOR!! Next! [ he flips his card, which lands on his held stack ] Couldn't do that again if I tried! So enjoy it! Live television!

"Gone With the Wind":" More like 'Gone with my ten cents.'"

Cecily Strong: Ten cents?

Jebidiah Atkinson: I do not adjust for inflation! Next!

"Annie Hall": "I'd rather let Woody Allen watch my kids than watch this movie again!" [ the audience groans ] So let me get this straight, You all trust him?!

Cecily Strong: Alright, how about a more contemporary nominee, like "The Shawshank Redemption"?

Jebidiah Atkinson: Ugh! "I'll only feel some redemption when there's a Saturday afternoon when this claptrap isn't on cable! Even the theatrical release of "The Shawshank Redemption" had a TNT logo in the corner." Next!

"Schindler's List": "You know what wasn't on Schindler's list? An editor." Next!

Oh, and now we come to the WORST Best PIcture winner of all time: "Forrest Gump". I prboably shouldn't do this one, since the audience got their BITCH-ON with that Woody Allen joke.

Cecily Strong: You probably shouldn't...

Jebidiah Atkinson: I'm going to do it! "You know which character in "Forrest Gump" I envy? Lieutenant Dan's legs. Because they got to leave early! And that's all I have to say about that!"

Cecily Strong: That's good. Jebidiah Atkinson, everyone!

Jebidiah Atkinson: Go see "The Lego Movie"! It's adorable!

Cecily Strong: You liked that! For "Weekend Update", I'm Cecily Strong!

Colin Jost: I'm Colin Jost! Good night!


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