Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 16


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:


March 29th, 2014

Louis C.K.

Sam Smith

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Healthcare.gov Meeting
Summary: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) relunctantly poses with recent social media tropes in a last-minute attempt to promote his healthcare plan.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber.


Montage


Louis C.K.'s Monologue
Summary: Louis C.K. performs observational stand-up about the existence of God and heaven, women, and wifebeater t-shirts.

Transcript


Black Jeopardy
Summary: White contestant (Louis C.K.) doesn't stand a chance against the vague, correct answers given by his opponents (Jay Pharoah, Sasheer Zamata).


Baby Boss
Summary: Baby boss Richard Patterson's (Beck Bennett) takes it hard when his favorite company vice-president (Louis C.K.) announces his plans to relocate to a new job.

Recurring Characters: Richard Patterson.


Jos. A Banks
Summary: Mom (Vanessa Bayer) uses "Buy 1 Get 3 Free" suits from Jos. A. Banks to clean her family's messiest spills.


Sam Smith performs "Stay With Me"


Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost
Summary: Sports correspondent Steven A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) rambles through his NCAA picks.

Recurring Characters: Steven A. Smith.


Mr. Big Stuff
Summary:


Darth Vader Action Figure
Summary: Patient (Louis C.K.) insists that his doctor (Mike O'Brien) check his butt for any Darth Vader action figures that shouldn't be there.


Private Eyes
Summary: Detective Brock (Louis C.K.) tries to persuade his partner (Vanessa Bayer) to cut holes in her pajamas and make love to him.


Dyke & Fats
Summary: 1970's tough-broad TV cops Dyke (Kate McKinnon) and Fats (Aidy Bryant) won't allow anyone else to call them by their nicknames.


Sam Smith performs "Lay Me Down"


Chris for President
Summary: Slacker Chris Fitzpatrick (Kyle Mooney) is running for Class President and is ready to acto way cool in order to get the job.

Transcript


Romantic Speech
Summary: Dave (Louis C.K.) makes a passioned plea for his ex-girlfriend (Aidy Bryant) to take him back.


Goodnights
Transcript






Dress Rehearsal Cuts




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