Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 39: Episode 16
March 29th, 2014
: President Barack Obama (Jay Pharoah) relunctantly poses with recent social media tropes in a last-minute attempt to promote his healthcare plan.
: President Barack Obama, Kim Kardashian, Justin Bieber.
Louis C.K.'s Monologue
: Louis C.K. performs observational stand-up about the existence of God and heaven, women, and wifebeater t-shirts.
: White contestant (Louis C.K.) doesn't stand a chance against the vague, correct answers given by his opponents (Jay Pharoah, Sasheer Zamata).
: Baby boss Richard Patterson's (Beck Bennett) takes it hard when his favorite company vice-president (Louis C.K.) announces his plans to relocate to a new job.
: Richard Patterson.
Jos. A Banks
: Mom (Vanessa Bayer) uses "Buy 1 Get 3 Free" suits from Jos. A. Banks to clean her family's messiest spills.
Sam Smith performs "Stay With Me"
Weekend Update with Cecily Strong & Colin Jost
: Sports correspondent Steven A. Smith (Jay Pharoah) rambles through his NCAA picks.
: Steven A. Smith.
Mr. Big Stuff
Darth Vader Action Figure
: Patient (Louis C.K.) insists that his doctor (Mike O'Brien) check his butt for any Darth Vader action figures that shouldn't be there.
: Detective Brock (Louis C.K.) tries to persuade his partner (Vanessa Bayer) to cut holes in her pajamas and make love to him.
Dyke & Fats
: 1970's tough-broad TV cops Dyke (Kate McKinnon) and Fats (Aidy Bryant) won't allow anyone else to call them by their nicknames.
Sam Smith performs "Lay Me Down"
Chris for President
: Slacker Chris Fitzpatrick (Kyle Mooney) is running for Class President and is ready to acto way cool in order to get the job.
: Dave (Louis C.K.) makes a passioned plea for his ex-girlfriend (Aidy Bryant) to take him back.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts