Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 39: Episode 18














13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test

Man.....Beck Bennett
Woman.....Vanessa Bayer

[ open on couple holding a pregnancy test in their hands ]

Man: Are you ready to find out?

Woman: I'm nervous.

Man: Don't be! Everything's going to be fine.

[ cut to couple in testimonial ]

Woman: Deciding to have a baby wasn't a simple decision.

Man: And we didnít want a pregnancy test that just gave us a simple "Yes" or "No."

Woman: We wanted more information.

Man: And when it comes to giving information, there's only one name we trust to give it to us constantly.

Woman: That's why we use the new CNN Take-Home Pregnancy Test. Its relentless breaking alerts let us know that it's working hard to find out if we're having a baby.

[ cut to Woman exiting bathroom with pregnancy test in her hands ]

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY UNDERWAY!

Woman V/O: As CNN slowly analyzes my urine, it updates me on its "Breaking News" screen.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY CONTINUES!

Man V/O: Because CNN believes that we deserve all the information they can find.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CNN MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER THAT IT WILL SOON KNOW IF YOU'RE PREGNANT!

Man V/O: Even if that information is no information.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! SEARCH FOR PREGNANCY ENTERS THIRD WEEK!

Why is this taking so long? It's 2014!

Man: Honey, it's not the stick's fault, it's telling you everything it knows.

Woman: I know. I'm not mad at the stick. It's just -- This was fun at first, but now it's just: "WAIT, and tell me when you know!"

Man V/O: Breaking alerts, every ten minutes.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! 6 MILLION U.S. WOMEN GET PREGNANT EACH YEAR!

Woman: So?!

Man V/O: Daytime and nighttime.

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!...

Woman: Oh, my God...

Man: [ groggy ] We're having a baby...?

Woman: Nope. Oscar Pistorius took his legs off in court.

Woman V/O: And when CNN finally does make a discovery about a pregnancy --

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! PREGNANCY FOUND!!!

Woman: Pregnancy found!!

Man: YES!!

Woman V/O: I know it'll be accurate --

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING! CANNOT CONFIRM PREGNANCY!

Woman V/O: 15% of the time.

Man: Great.

Woman: Great! Cool! Awesome! How great!

Man: Fine!

[ cut to product ]

Man V/O: The CNN Home Pregnancy Test.

Woman: For when you want to know, but they don't know.

[ cut to Woman entering room with baby in her arms ]

Woman: Honey! I guess I was pregnant!

[ they hug ]

Together: Thanks, CNN!!

Pregnancy Test: [ beeping ] BREAKING!

Woman: Oh! And Ke$ha just took the dollar sign out of her name.

Man: Hmm.

Woman: Hmm.

[ fade ]


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