Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 18

13r: Seth Rogen / Ed Sheeran

Monster Pals

Bartender.....Kenan Thompson
Jim.....Connor O'Malley/James Franco
Danny.....Mike O'Brien
Bully.....Seth Rogen
Patron.....Taran Killam

[ open on Clancy's Bar ]

Bartender: Here you go, fellas. Hey -- no trouble tonight. I know sometimes you monsters like to get a little rowdy. [ he gives one final stink-eye as he steps away ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Typical.

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Yeah, what was that all about?

[ a Bully and his posse enter the bar ]

Bully: Hey! You dumb MONSTERS! [ to his buddies ] Watch this. [ to the monsters ] Yo! What's UP, uglies? Nice... gross green skin! This guy's got... He-Man's HAIR! He doesn't even have LIPS! Where's this guy's LIPS?! Just do me a favor, Monster: Don't look in that mirror right there... 'cause you might BREAK IT! YOU UGLY MONSTER!

[ the Bully and his buddies laugh as they walk away ]

[ the monsters look glumly at their reflections in the mirror ]

Jim: [ growling, with subtitles: ] He's right, Danny. We're ugly! I've been thinking about getting the surgery.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Whoa... Heavy. I mean, whatever you gotta do. It's just, if you get a surgery to look human... how will I tell you apart from the rest of them?

Jim: Hey, man... Even if I look human, inside I'll always be... your buddy Jim.

[ they hug ]

[ SUPER: "One Week Later" ]

[ Danny enters the bar, looking for Jim ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Is that you, Jim?

Patron: You're looking for Jim? I'm not Jim, I'm Dave!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sorry, my friend has this jacket.

Patron: Yeah, well a lot of people have this jacket, alright? [ Danny shirks away ] I hope you find him. You can't just go grabbing people, man! You gotta watch that.

[ cut to footage of Danny randomly approaching unsuspecting New Yorkers and asking for Jim, scaring the shit out of most of them who don't know what's going on ]

[ Danny stops by a video store window and glimpses a scene from "Monsters University" ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] They took a lot of liberties on that one.

[ Danny chases a group of kids at Washington Square ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] There's been a misunderstanding.

[ Danny sees a girl wearing a chicken mask ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Sooooo... I actually work out quite a bit myself.

Girl: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Look, I have a boyfriend.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Alright. Alright. Forget it.

[ Danny appears in the outdoor crowd during "The Today Show" ]

[ Danny sits on a bench advertising the monster face reconstruction surgery by Dr. Wiencko ]

[ suddenly, Danny spots a familiar shape leaning along the pier ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Uh... Jim...?

Jim: [ smiling ] Danny!

[ they hug ]

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] You're a hunk!

Jim: Aw, I feel GREAT! This surgery is AWESOME!

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] I'm really happy for you, Jim.

Jim: I don't go by "Jim" any more. Now it's... James.

Danny: [ growling, with subtitles: ] Jaaaaaames.

Jim: James.

[ SUPER: "One Week Later" ]

Jim: So how do you feel? You happy you did it?

Danny: I am, yeah -- I feel good. I mean... I don't love the nose they gave me, I might have that changed soon...

Jim: Yeah, I don't know why you chose that face...

Danny: It's just a little bit cheaper, and... hmm...

Jim: Oh, well.

Danny: Good to see you!

[ Danny wraps his monster hand around James' shoulder ]

[ SUPER: "The End" ]

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