13s: Andrew Garfield / Coldplay
Father of the bride.....Bobby Moynihan
[ open on wedding reception ]
Father of the bride: So to my gorgeous daughter and new son-in-law Jeff, may this be the start of a fairy tale life. I mean, you already have the castle! [ he laughs heartily ] Have you seen their house? It's enormous!
Emcee: Father of the bride, folks! Next up, we have --
Kevin: [ rushing in ] I'm sorry! Can I see that? Can I see that for a second? [ he accepts the microphone from the father of the bride ] Thank you. Hey, I apologize, I'm sorry for interrupting, but this is kind of one of those now-or-never moments. [ he breathes heavily ] Okay, Britney? Um... oh, God, I'm shaking! Uh... Seeing you there in that dress, getting married to that man... everything suddenly just became very clear! [ he catches his breath a few times ] I'm in LOVE with you!
Guest: Oh, DAMN!!
Kevin: Please! Please, please, please! Just let me finish. From the moment that I saw you, I wanted you! But I BURIED it! And I can't any more! Life is short! So take a chance and run away with me! RIGHT now! I've called a taxi, it's outside! Don't worry about all these people, just follow your heart! Because, Britney Alice Tangier... I can TELL... that you FEEL the same way!
Britney: [ stunned ] Um... I... don't. I'm not really sure even where this is coming from, Kevin, because you and I have only hung out in group settings. So... sorry, but I do not have feelings for you... at all!
Kevin: [ flabbergasted ] Um... um... okay! I wasn't, I wasn't expecting that response! I-I-I-I don't know! [ slightly embarrassed, jumpy ] Sorry! Sorry, everybody! PARTY FOUL! Party foul on ME! Britney, it's all good! And, Jeff, I love you, man! I love you SO much! Okay! You know what? Can we just FORGET I ever came up here? BOOM!! Never happened! Wedding, guys! WEDDING OF THE CENTURY!! YEAH!! WE'RE HAVING FUN!! [ he rushes out ]
Emcee: Okayyyy, that was absolutely insane! Uhhh... moving forward here, it looks like next up is the toast from our Best Man and Maid of Honor -- uh, get on up here, Kevin and Jackie!
[ a slighly embarrassed Kevin walks back out with a noticably irked Jackie, as "You've Got a Friend in Me" plays ]
Kevin: Uhhh... Sorry. Sorry, my post is NOW. I thought it was a post-dinner thing, but... call it bad timing!
[ Guest nods his head in agreement ]
Kevin: But it's all good, because we've all moved on! If anyone's laughing about this, it's the groom himself -- my cousin Jeff! What's up, bro! [ he laughs nervously, as Jeff stares stone-faced ] Alright, here we go! Okay! [ reading from his notes ] "When Jeff introduced me to Britney, I was like: 'How is this gonna work? She's a TEN, and he's, like, you know... JEFF!'" [ the guests shake their heads ] Right? Yeah, I know. That joke doesn't... play as HARD now. Uh... okay. Well, you know, the truth is... [ reading ] "The truth is, any guy would be lucky to have her as a..." You know what? I'm just gonna wrap it up. I'm gonna toss it over to the Maid of Honor -- my beautiful wife of six years... Jackie! She's just, like... like SO beautiful!
Jackie: [ awkwardly ] Hello.
Kevin: Whoooo!! JACKIE!!
Jackie: [ reading from her notes ] "Britney and Jeff. You have been... such amazing friends to Kevin and I."
Kevin: Yeah... yeah...
Jackie: "You are our two favorite goofballs..."
Jackie: "And the godparents to our four wonderful children."
[ the four kids stare open-mouthed and distraught ]
Kevin: Hey, you guys! I love you guys! You guys are HILARIOUS, you're so fun! Are you guys okay?
Jackie: "So, yeah... I wish you as much success in your marriage as Kevin and I have in ours."
Jackie: "The End." [ she rips up her notes and walks away ]
Kevin: YEAH!! We're all so happy!! Okay!
Emcee: Best Man and Maid of Honor, folks! Let's hear it for them ONE time! [ no response ] Next! Can we get our lovely bride up to the stage! And, fellas -- just go ahead and join her! Yep! It's time for the garter toss!
[ Kevin runs back into the room ]
Guest: Hey, hey, boy! SIT your ass DOWN!!
[ fade ]