Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 20

13t: Charlize Theron / Coldplay

Dating Seminar

Speaker.....Vanessa Bayer
Heshi Farrahat.....Nasim Pedrad
Gail.....Charlize Theron
Fashid.....Mike O'Brien

Speaker: The Courtyard Marriott Agora Hills, welcomes you to this 3-day orkshop intensive, The Man Plan: A Single Woman's Guide To Finding Love. And now it's my pleasure to bring out the woman you all came to see. She's a motivational speaker, life coach, and dating expert who's appeared on over one podcast. Please welcome Heshi Farrahat.

(dance music)

Heshi: Hello single women! I am Heshi.


Heshi: So why am I, Heshi, qualified to help you find love? Because I have a love life, that is cash money. (ka-ching!)

Heshi: But it wasn't always like that. After eight months of zero people responding to my profile, e-Harmony eventually sent me an email that just said, "Are you okay?" But I turned things around and now I stand before you, a 44-year-old woman who has, recently as last night, sat next to a man at a bar and we made eye contact once!

(boom-chucka, gunshot)

Heshi: Joining me today is a woman who, using my techniques, has had real, grown men in her home. Give it up for my best friend, Gail!

Gail: Hey there! I'm Gail.

("Gail! Gail!" gunshot!)

Heshi: Gail and I met years ago when she was the instructor of my accent removal class, which I'm retaking.

Gail: Before Heshi's system, I was a goofy, asexual mess. But now, I've been to over-the-sweater second base with a man who works in an office. Thanks, Heshi!

("Heshi, Heshi, Heshi!")

("Gail, Gail!")




("Gail! Gail!")

("Heshi, Heshi!")

(machine gunfire)


Heshi: Quick shout-out to the man behind our cues and beats, rocking an exciting new Kangol hat and crushing puberty, my son Fashid.

Fashid: Mother, please, I'm embarrassed.

Heshi: Okay, ladies, here comes some bullet points.


Heshi: Step one of Heshi's Man Plan: Be aggressive. If a door slams in your face, kick it back open.


(glass shattering)

Gail: 15 minutes into a recent coffee date, a man said to me, "You're cute! But I think I hate your personality." But I didn't give up. I continued to text him selfies of me and my car, and now that ball's in play.

(basketball bouncing)


Heshi: Step two: Be open minded. I was accidentally matched on Tinder with a quiet Chinese man who was gay and did not live near me. But instead of backing down, I insisted we meet for alcohol and chicken. How did it go? Ladies and gentlemen, I am proud to announce I offered him my body, and he said, "We'll see."

("Quiet Chinese man!")

Gail: Step three: Be confident!

Heshi: That's right, Gail! I once showered with a man who described my body as "A complex network of flaws." I said, "Hey, this is me, buddy!" So he said, "Okay", and showered with his eyes closed.

(whips -- "Oh, yeah!")

Heshi: Which brings us to flirting. The key to good flirting is basic slight-of-hand magic. I know this much: No man can resist a woman who goes to a bar, and does this: (she pulls colored handkerchiefs from her mouth)

("This is flirty. This-s is flirty.")

Gail: So ladies, of the old you with a kitten...


Heshi: The new you is a beast!

(owl hooting)

Gail: So envision that old single you in front of you and kick her ass off!


("Haduken! Impressive.")

Heshi: Okay, time to stretch, snack and go tinkle. But first, check this out!

(dance music)

Speaker: Hi there! Um, they're towing everyone's cars.

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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