Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 39: Episode 21

13u: Andy Samberg / St. Vincent

Camp Wicawabe, 1990

Cambria.....Aidy Bryant
Piper.....Kate McKinnon
Joseph.....Kyle Mooney
Luann.....Cecily Strong
Jeremy.....Andy Samberg

Singing: "Swim in the water and jump in the tree, that's what you do at Camp Wicawabe."

Cambria: Hey guys, thanks for skipping tonight's campfire and instead coming to our weekly round up. I'm Cambria and this is Piper.

Piper: Or as I hear dour counselors call us, Two Loud Little Turds.

Cambria: Yeah, we're in the Cherokee bunk this summer because we are ten and so far it's been great.

Piper: The only thing that sucks is we keep getting in trouble for no reason.

Cambria: Yeah, I got yelled at just for stealing a knife and carving "ass butt" into a tree.

Piper: And every time you get reprimanded you have to go to bed 15 minutes earlier. Yesterday, our bedtime was 2:15.

Cambria: Yeah, it was full bright out. It sucked. Um, well now it's time for our first segment. Arts and crafts.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Arts and "cwafts".

Cambria: That's Joseph and he's only six and here really he... he still wears a diaper.

Piper: The week on arts and crafts we put googly eyes on pine cones

Cambria: Yeah, I mean, I gotta say when the activity was first described to me I was not into it and then I got that first eyeball on there and I was laughing and having a blast.

Piper: Okay guys, we're having a very special lunch tomorrow. Here to tell you what it is is the head of the cafeteria, Luann Buckman. Take it away, Luann.

Luann: Hamburgers!

Piper: Thank you, Luann.

Cambria: Luann, she has a car here and we don't know where she goes at night.

Piper: But last year she kissed a camper so this year she's not allowed to sleep at the camp.

Cambria: Okay, now it's time for this week's guest. He's my older cousin...

Piper: And he's fourteen and he is the coolest prankster in all of camp.

Cambria: Yeah, please welcome Jeremy.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Please welcome Jeremy.

Jeremy: 'Sup Cambria, little one.

Piper: Hey.

Jeremy: Sorry if I look cooler than normal, I just tried my first cigarette. Didn't affect me at all and I ate the whole thing.

Piper: Wow.

Cambria: Okay, so Jeremy, tell us about some of the wild pranks that you've done recently.

Jeremy: Okay, well, you know that big tree?

Cambria: Yes.

Jeremy: Yesterday I put my butt on it.

Piper: Oh, so gross.

Jeremy: Yeah, and last night I snuck out of my bunk and put my thing through the tennis court net.

Cambria: What thing?

Jeremy: Then today I put a pube on the tether ball. It was a pretty big deal because it was my only one.

Cambria: Wow. I gotta say, you're working with a lot of stuff I've never even heard of.

Piper: Okay, now's the part of the show called No Moms No Dads.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] No Moms, No Dads.

Cambria: This is where we brag about things that we've done because there's no moms and no dads here. I haven't eaten a single piece of fruit and no one's keeping track so I'm not gonna do it.

Piper: I swallowed a bee. It flew into my Snapple and died and I drank it 'cause I'm bad to the bone.

Jeremy: Last week we found a condom in our bunk and all ten of us tried it on. Yeah. It didn't fit anybody but it was fun.

Piper: Oh wow. I'm trying to enjoy these stories but I don't have context for any of them.

Cambria: Yeah, okay now, let's take a moment to remember the campers who've had to go home early this year.

Joseph: [ tapping xylophone ] Campers Who Had to Leave Early.

Cambria: Tiffany Waller Wostien. She can't poop anywhere but her own house so her parents had to pick her up because she was full.

Piper: Bobby Vance. He killed a frog and the counselors found out it was on purpose because he really ripped it up and scattered it all around the camp. He left in a police van.

Jeremy: Brittany July. She got her period on a horse a freaked out.

Cambria: Well, okay, that's all the time we have 'cause I gotta go to the waterfront and show Piper how to lift a big rock.

Jeremy: I put my butt on that rock.

Piper: Oh, so cool.

Jeremy: Right?

Cambria: Bye!

Submitted by: Raul Gonzalez

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