Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2













14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Sarah Silverman's Monologue

.....Sarah Silverman

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen -- Sarah Silverman!

Sarah Silverman: Thank you so much! Wow... it is SO crazy to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live." Um... [ she pauses ] I meean, is it really crazy? Everybody always says that it's so crazy to be here hosting "Saturday Night Live". I'm a pretty big comedian... It kinda makes ALL the sense in the world!

Uh... tonight is the end of the Jewish holiday Yom Kippur, and, uh... [ a lone audience member claps ] Thank you...? [ she winces ] And I just want to take this opportunity to say to all the Hasidic Jews out there: I promise you, God will mind if you wear a nice cotten blend in the summer. You are being ridiculous!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know me, um... I guess I'm know as a "blue" comedian, which is... I find that annoying, it kind of bothers me. I don't think of myself that way. I think of myself more as a... as an IMPORTANT comedian. Anyway, because of this, uh, they had to censor a lot of my jokes after Dress Rehearsal. Like here's what's left of my favorite joke. Can we get a shot of Wally?

[ cut to Wally holding up a cue card with everything blacked out except for "Black Guy" and "God's Mouth" ]

Yeah! Guys, it was such a cute joke! It was totally innocuous. I saw Lorne laughing REALLY hard at it during Dress, like almost too hard at it.

Screw it. Can I just, um... [ she looks around ] Is there like a handheld mike, or a...? [ a microphone is handed to her ] Oh! Thank you. Let's get real! Come on! This is live television! Let's go among the people! [ she approaches a young woman ] How are you? Can I sit in your lap? [ she sits in the woman's lap ] Ohhhh... this feels nice! What is your name?

Lindsey: It's Lindsey.

Sarah Silverman: It's Lindsey?

Lindsey: Mmm-hmm.

Sarah Silverman: Oh, um, I'm Sarah.

Lindsey: Hi!

Sarah Silverman: You know that. Uh, Lindsey, I want to tell you something that's really important: You're beautiful... and you... deserve love... and... I hope that you are as kind to yourself as you are to any schmo on the street. Um... and I love you.

Lindsey: [ she chokes ] Thank you...!

Sarah Silverman: Your turn.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You're amazing?

Sarah Silverman: Aww.

Lindsey: And you're beautiful.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww!

Lindsey: And you're smart! [ she laughs ]

Sarah Silverman: Keep going. Be creative.

Lindsey: [ laughing ] You're my favorite.

Sarah Silverman: Awwwww! [ she pushes the microphone closer to Lindsey's face ] You know what it is, Lindsey, it's like... I get sad sometimes. Like, I feel like... it's over... In terms of like I'm never gonna be carried again. You know what I mean? Like, we're grown-ups. We're not gonna, you know, fall asleep at our parents' party and overhear adults going like: [ whispering ] "I got her." "No, I'll take her." It's never gonna happen again. Amd it makes me sad. It's like, I want to be carried. I want to be... bathed and cared for. I want to get my hair shampooed, you know, like a... like a little child or a princess, or... a quadraplegic, I guess. Very similar lifestyles, very different circumstances. [ glancing down ] Am I sitting on your phone?

Lindsey: No. No, you're good!

Sarah Silverman: [ grimaces ] Oh... I want to think of an app! Wouldn't it be great to think of that million-dollar app? Let's think of that million-dollar app! God... I was thinking, like an hour ago, wouldn't it be great if you had an app that told you when all of your friends were taking a doody? I was pretty excited. I would pay ninety-nine cents for that. But then, somebody told me that they have that. It's like... I think it's called "Words With Friends"? How old are you?

Lindsey: 32.

Sarah Silverman: You are? Ohh, you're 32! You're only little, you don't know nothin'. Here's some advice: If you're ever drunk at a party, and you throw up at a party... I feel like you can save the moment if you can muster like... a "Ta-daaa!" Alright, I guess I should go back to the stage. You keep this. [ she hands the microphone to Lindesey ] You can have that. You can have that!

[ Sarah returns to the stage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]

Sarah Silverman: Ohhh, God... this feels so right! I mean, it's live. I could stay here. I love this stage. I mean, this is the first time I've hosted, but I have been on this stage before. I, um... I was like a featured performer on this show in the 90's, and... I wasn't in much, but a lot of times I'd mostly be, like, a "plant" in the audience, you know, asking fake questions to the host during the monologue, and, uh... [ she looks into the audience ] Yes, you -- you have a question?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Rosie O'Donnell's monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: I think you're great! I love you!

Sarah Silverman: [ touched ] Awwwww! I love you MORE! Alright, you have a question for me, sweetie?

Young Sarah Silverman: Are you going to be doing any solo albums now that you've left Wilson Phillips?

Sarah Silverman: GREAT question! You know, um... I left Wilson Phillips because I felt it really wasn't my thing any more, and, uh, I'm not sure about a solo album, though the album of my stand-up special "We Are Miracles" is out now. [ the audience applauds, as she looks into the audience again ] Oh -- yes?

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Jeff Golblum's monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh -- What did you feed the dinosaurs?

Sarah Silverman: Uh... [ she laughs ] What is this, Pretty Girl in the Audience Night? It's crazy! Um... of course, the stegosauruses are the worst, they only eat plants. But the T-Rexes are carnivores -- they'd be more inclined to eat you, 'cause you're delicious! Let's take a... [ she points into the audience ] Yes, you, Sparkleface over here.

[ cut to clip of Sarah in the audience during Nancy Kerrigan's monologue ]

Young Sarah Silverman: Yeah, uh... what makes the human knee bend?

Sarah Silverman: Okay. Um... Well, the knee is technically a joint, where the tibia and femur meet. Right? And the bending of the joint is aided by two menisky. I hope that helps, and I hope you stay this curious and strong for the next twenty years. I have a feeling that you will. And maybe someday you'll even get to say: "We have got a GREAT show for you tonight! ALL of Maroon 5 is here! So stick around, and we'll be right back!"


SNL Transcripts