Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 40: Episode 2




















14b: Sarah Silverman / Maroon 5

Joan Rivers

Eartha Kitt.....Sasheer Zamata
Joan Rivers.....Sarah Silverman
Richard Pryor.....Jay Pharoah

[ open on a heavenly panel ]

Eartha Kitt: Ahhhhh, Hello, everyone! I'm Eartha Kitt! [ she meows like Catwoman ] We've just received word that one of the GREATS has joined us here on the celestial stage. Ladies and gentlemen of Heaven, please welcome... Miss Joan Rivers!

[ the other celebrities applaud as a fanfare welcomes Joan Rivers to the podium ]

Joan Rivers: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Heaven, are you serious?! Me in Heaven?! I guess I should be here, Iím practically a virgin! The last time someone was inside me, it was Melissa! Oh, Missy! You know what I'm talking about! My old friend Richard Pryor's here, I can't believe it!

Richard Pryor: Now, this lady don't hold back for NOTHIN'! You know what I'm sayin'?

Joan Rivers: Richard, you could never keep it in your pants!

Richard Pryor: Hey, man...

Joan Rivers: I dont want to say Richard fooled around, but the longest relationship he ever had was with multiple sclerosis!

Richard Pryor: Aw, damn! All y'all gonna laugh at that, huh? Well, y'all can KISS MY ASS!!

Joan Rivers: So many incredible people here tonight! Even Steve Jobs, RIGHT HERE! [ Steve smiles and waves ] Incredible! Steve, I hope you're forced to buy a newer, better casket every six months so you can see how WE feel! Am I right?! OH! Oh, please! So many beautiful people are here! Look! Ava Gardner! Can you believe it?! Ava, you look so young! Who did you go down on to get up here? Oh yeah, that's right -- EVERYONE! [ Benjamin Franklin is cracking ]

Joan Rivers: Look at that! I'm KILLING with Ben Franklin!

Benjamin Franklin: [ gasping ] Oh, too much...!

Joan Rivers: Hey, Ben -- Ben, where'd you get that outfit? Forever 1721? [ he cracks up ] He loves me! Listen, Ben -- Something tells me that those bifocals arenít the only thing BI about you!

Benjamin Franklin: [ cracking up ] I don't know what that means!

Joan Rivers: Speaking of bi, I see you, Freddie Mercury! Look at this guy! He's so skinny... with that huge moustache, he looks like a GAY BROOM!

Freddie Mercury: You're wonderful, darling, wonderful! [ singing ] "Mamma miaaaaa!!"

Joan Rivers: When Freddie died, people were surprised he was gay. Are you SERIOUS?!! You're so GAY, even your TEETH aren't straight!

Benjamin Franklin: [ laughing uproariously ] I STILL don't understand!

Joan Rivers: So many greats here! Lucille Ball, you're a comedy legend!

Lucille Ball: [ waving ] I am!

Joan Rivers: That scene in the candy factory -- wasn't Lucy hilarious? With the chocolates, eating the chocolates. You stuffed more chocolates in your throat than the Kardashians! OHHHH!! Oh, GROW UP!! Grow up!!

[ Lucille Ball grimaces ]

Joan Rivers: Listen, people -- Comedy is to make us laugh and to deal with things, so open the gates, let me in here! Letís start this show! Thank you! Youíre wonderful! Good night!

[ fanfare dissolves to obituary card with Joan Rivers' photo, 1933-2014 ]

[ fade ]


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