Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1


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Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:



Special Guests:





A Film By:

Cameos:



Bit Players:



October 11th, 1975

George Carlin

Billy Preston

Janis Ian

Andy Kaufman

The Muppets

Valri Bromfield

Albert Brooks

Paul Simon

Andrew Duncan

Jacqueline Carlin

Richard Belzer

Wendy Craig

Tom Davis

Neil Levy

Tom Schiller

Akira Yoshimura

Al Franken



Season 1: Order Now!

Wolverines
Summary: SNL's inaugural sketch features a teacher (Michael O'Donaghue) tutoring English to an immigrant student (John Belushi). Eager to learn, the immigrant mimics his teacher down to the finest detail. Chevy Chase appears as a stagehand at the end.

Transcript


Montage
Note: Don Pardo accidentally misannounces the cast as The Not For Ready Prime Time Players.


George Carlin's Monologue
Summary: After entering the stage through the audience, Carlin recites "Baseball and Football" from his new album "An Evening with Wally Londo, Featuring Bill Slazso".

Note: Carlin wanted to wear a t-shirt, but the network wanted him to wear a suit. As a compromise, Carlin wore a vest and jacket over his t-shirt, and hosted the show while reportedly stoned out of his mind.

Note: Carlin only appears on stage to perform stand-up or introduce the evening's musical guests.

Bio: George Carlin (1937-2008). Comedian; SNL's first-ever host; performed "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine on 1972 comedy album, "Class Clown".

Also Hosted: 84e.

Transcript


New Dad Insurance
Summary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family's emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Bio: Jacqueline Carlin. Model; while girlfriend to Chevy Chase, appeared infrequently on SNL in scenes with him; married Chase in 1976, divorced in 1980.

Transcript


Billy Preston performs "Nothing From Nothing"
Bio: Billy Preston (1946-). Musician; an organ and piano prodigy with roots in gospel music; often considered the fifth Beatle for his back-up work on their "Let It Be" album.

Lyrics


The Courtroom
Summary: A rape victim (Jane Curtin) testifies in court, but can't bare to repeat the lewd suggestion posed by her attacker. Instead, the pertinent evidence is written on a piece of paper and passed among the jury.

Transcript


Andy Kaufman
Summary: Kaufman at first appears nervous, then calmly turns on a recording of the "Mighty Mouse" theme song and lip-syncs a single key lyric.

Note: With the show running long at dress rehearsal, it was suggested that Lorne Michaels cut Kaufman's performance. He chose to cut a stand-up routine from Billy Crystal instead. Though peeved, Crystal did return later in the season to do another stand-up act.

Bio: Andy Kaufman (1949-84). Comedian; performed eccentric bits that often involved playing with his audience's heads; on television, he played mechanic Latka Gravas on "Taxi", 1978-83; portrayed by Jim Carrey in the 1999 bio-pic "Man on the Moon."

Also Appeared: 75c, 75d, 75o, 76k, 77c, 77g, 77m, 78m, 79b, 79h, 81j, 81s.

Cameos: 79e, 82g, 82j.

Transcript


George Carlin Stand-Up I
Summary: Carlin performs some observational stand-up prior to introducing Janis Ian.

Transcript


Janis Ian performs "At Seventeen"
Bio: Janis Ian (1951-). Singer-songwriter; burst onto the music scene at age 15, only to disappear from the charts for nearly a decade; her songs specialized in taboo subject matter.

Lyrics


Victims Of Shark Bite
Summary: Martin Gresner (John Belushi) claims his limbs have been bitten off by sharks.

Transcript


Jamitol
Summary: Chevy Chase and Michael O'Donaghue portray a married couple, whose lives have been enrichened by using the advertised product.

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Next Week
Summary: Paul Simon announces that he's hosting the show next week.

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Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Summary: Anchorman Chevy Chase talks dirty on the phone before commenting on events in the news, while correspondent Laraine Newman reports on the latest murder to occur at the Blaine Motel.

Note: Weekend Update has undergone many personnel - and, on occasion, title - changes over the years, but has remained the one segment that appears on every episode of "Saturday Night Live."

Transcript


Triopenin
Summary: Product's child-proof safety cap prevents arthritis medicine from being used.

Transcript


The Muppets
Summary: Muppets Ploobis (Jim Henson) & Scred (Jerry Nelson) visit the Mighty Favog (Frank Oz).

Note: The Muppets account for one of the strangest periods in SNL history, their appearance on the show a result of Jim Henson trying to shop out his puppets to adult audiences prior to producing "The Muppet Show." They were generally disliked by the cast and writers, often dumped upon Al Franken, Tom Davis and Alan Zwiebel to be written for. When referring to the Muppets, Michael O'Donaghue was often quoted as saying, "I won't write for felt."

Transcript


George Carlin Stand-Up II
Summary: Carlin's stand-up topics range from the mysterious blue food to a round of oxymorons, before introducing a film by Albert Brooks.

Transcript


"The Impossible Truth"
Summary: Albert Brooks reports unlikely news items in his short film.

Note: Albert Brooks was offered the opportunity to host SNL every week. Because he wanted to write and produce short films instead, he suggested that the show use a different host each week. Being from California, Brooks failed to see the merit of doing a live show, suggesting instead that they tape the show twice without stopping tape earlier in the day, and playing the best of both performances in the show's time slot. Though the show is filmed live each week, the dress rehearsals and live performances would often be edited together for repeats aired later in the season.

Transcript


Bee Hospital
Summary: Upon birth, bee fathers are informed of their newborns' ranks in the hive.

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Note: There was little audience reaction to the sketch, which writers blamed on a faulty PA system. Even though the network advised no more Bee sketches, Lorne Michaels thought the bit was funny and original and insisted on bringing the Bees back each week, making them SNL's first recurring characters.

Transcript


Academy of Better Careers
Summary: Now you can be a stand-by operator, too.

Transcript


Valri Bromfield
Summary: Comedian Valri Bromfield mimics a teacher and a volleyball player in her routine.

Bio: Valri Bromfield (1949-). Comedienne; partnered as a comedy team with Dan Aykroyd before they joined the first Toronto company of the Second City; later produced "The Kids in the Hall" for Lorne Michaels.

Transcript


Show Us Your Guns
Summary: In a parody of the Lark cigarette commercials, SNL's film truck passes through the city streets asking to see citizens' firearms.

Transcript


George Carlin Stand-Up III
Summary: Carlin's final round of stand-up focuses on God and religion.

Transcript


Billy Preston performs "Fancy Lady"
Lyrics


Trojan Horse Home Security
Summary: Home security technician Kenny Vorstrather (Dan Aykroyd) breaks into a couple's (John Belushi, Gilda Radner) house to demonstrate how vulnerable they are to a home invasion.

Transcript


Triple-Trac
Summary: The three-blade razor is designed for people who'll believe anything they see.

Note: By the 1990's, three-blade razors became a reality on the consumer market.

Transcript


Janis Ian performs "In The Winter"
Transcript


Goodnights
Transcript



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