Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1







75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Academy of Better Careers

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Woman ... Gilda Radner
Salesman ...Wendy Craig
Lecturer ... George Coe
Instructor ... Jane Curtin
Woman with book ... Jacqueline Carlin

[Phone rings in someone's home. A woman picks up.]

Woman: Hello?

[A high pressure salesman, wearing a checkered suit, appears in a superimposed oval, inset next to the woman.]

Salesman: Hello! By just answering this phone call, you have qualified for a challenging new career that could earn you up to eighty dollars a day!

Woman: [enthusiastic] Tell me more! [She listens with interest, sipping from a cup, as the salesman rattles on.]

Salesman: Did you know that the recent glut of late night TV ads for so-called training schools has created a demand for skilled phone answerers to take calls and write down messages? It's true. The countless schools and institutions that teach you computer programming, motel management, airport surveillance and diesel mechanics -- to name but a few -- desperately need operators to stand by at the end of their TV ads. Now, ABC [superimposed text reads: Not Affiliated With The American Broadcasting Company] -- the Academy of Better Careers -- offers you the chance to become one of these sought after, high paid stand-by operators.

[Goofy music begins as we cut to a classroom full of people practicing the fine art of picking up a telephone receiver and saying "Hello" -- an instructor coaches one of the students but the rest are on their own, picking up receivers and putting them down.]

Salesman: You'll learn the latest up to the minute phone answering techniques from our staff of experienced instructors.

[An attractive woman sits in a chair and reads a colorful children's book entitled VISIT TO PHONELAND. It features a cartoon character of a smiling phone on the cover.]

Salesman: You'll explore the telephone -- its past, its present -- and even the amazing picture phones of the future.

[A bespectacled lecturer in suit and tie uses a pointer as he reads from a chalkboard upon which are listed "AREA CODES OF MANY NATIONS" such as CEYLON - 94; CHAD - 235; CHILE - 56; COOKS IS. 685; and COSTA RICA - 506.]

Salesman: In only six weeks, our experts will show you everything you need to know to answer phones professionally.

Lecturer: Ceylon - nine, four. Chad...

[Music ends as we cut back to the woman on the phone, still listening intently to the salesman.]

Salesman: ABC is veteran-approved by the Federal Board of Public Instruction and is eligible under the Student--

Woman: Excuse me, Mister. I have to get off.

Salesman: But where are you going?

Woman: To call ABC and start my new career as a sought after, high paid stand-by operator!

[The woman hangs up on the stunned salesman. She starts drinking from her cup. The salesman reappears in a superimposed square, inset next to her.]

Salesman: Hey! Don't let life put you on hold! [Startled by his reappearance, the woman puts down her cup and picks up her phone.] Become a stand-by operator! Call now for free booklet! [Superimposed text reads: CALL NOW (311) 555-4425] Call (311) 555-4425. [Woman, hearing the number, starts to dial.] That's (311) 555-4425. Operators are standing by to take your call.


Submitted Anonymously


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