Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1




75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

George Carlin Stand-Up II

.....George Carlin

George Carlin: [ makes faces ]

Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.

Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.

Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food - I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what's blue? There's no blue! Oh, they say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They're keeping it from us!

I'll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side - the plain-looking vitamins - and you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need - and they're not marked. And the jar you put them in isn't marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!

The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence - the words don't go together, man.


SNL Transcripts