Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Courtroom

Judge.....George Coe
Prosecuter.....Chevy Chase
Ms. Davis....Jane Curtin
Defense Attorney.....Garrett Morris
Juror #1.....Dan Aykroyd
Juror # 2.....John Belushi
Juror #3.....Gilda Radner
Jurors..... Richard Belzer, Tom Davis, Neil Levy

[open on courtroom ]

Judge: [throwing down the gavel] Now I must have order please or I’m forced to clear this courtroom.

Prosecutor: [questioning Ms. Davis ] Ms. Davis, could you kindly tell the court in your own words what the defendent allegedly said to you when he pulled you into the alleyway?

Ms. Davis: He said “Hey . . . Hey, baby, h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . I can’t, I . . .

Judge: [throws the gavel again] Now, please, Ms. Davis. I know this is very difficult for you but this is extremely important evidence.

Ms. Davis: He said “h-how’d you like to, ummm . . . Don’t make me say it . . .

Defense Attorney: (strangely Jamaican) Objection. The witness is not on trial here. Now obviously what he said was too upsetting for her to repeat.

Prosecutor: Objection. heresay.

Judge: Gentlemen, gentlemen. (atttorneys approach the bench) Now since this evidence is so extremely important, perhaps Ms. Davis might write down the defendent’s remarks on a piece of paper. (Both attorneys concur)

(Ms. Davis writes down the remarks and hands the paper to the Judge. He is speechless from the paper and hands it to the Defense Attorney. Also speechless, he hands it to the Prosecutor. He is startled and annoyed and hands it to jury. Juror #1 is not amused by the paper, hands it to Juror #2, who is also shocked by it. Juror #2 sees Juror #3 is asleep and nudges her to wake up and read the paper. After perusing the paper, Juror #3 turns to Juror #2 and gives the “Okay” to his “proposition”. Juror #2 is flattered (gives that signature Belushi “eyebrow raise”).)

[ fade ]

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