Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1





75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Show Us Your Guns

[A gated flatbed truck rolls slowly down a tree-lined road. Standing in the bed are a camera crew and a group of people who wave and hold a large sign that reads: SHOW US YOUR GUNS]

Announcer: We at Saturday Night wanted to see what kind of people carry guns. So we took our camera crew into the streets to find out.

[We hear a rousing version of the William Tell Overture as the camera tracks slowly past various people, all of whom smile and proudly display their guns to the camera:

Two young boys watch as their father, wearing a chef's hat and apron, emerges from behind his backyard grill to hold up a rifle. A smiling blonde, leaning against a lamppost, pulls a pistol from her large carrying bag and holds it up above her head. A man guides a lawn mower with one hand as he pulls a small pistol from his back pocket with the other. A housewife, in gown and slippers, emerges from her home and walks down her front steps with a submachine gun.

The truck rolls through town, the camera crew still filming, the others in the truck still smiling, waving and holding the large SHOW US YOUR GUNS sign.

More proud gun owners: At a gas station, a motorist stands by her car, holding a rifle above her head as two employees wave pistols. On a sidewalk, a mother reaches down into the baby stroller she is pushing to pull out a revolver. Two masked gunmen rush out of a liquor store, see the camera, and pause to hold up their weapons before racing off down the sidewalk with their loot -- followed, moments later, by a liquor store clerk who levels a pistol at the departing crooks but, before firing, notices the camera and happily holds up his gun. A woman, clipping hedges in her yard, turns to see the camera and quickly whips a revolver out of her pants suit.

We get a closer view of the truck rolling by as the crew holds their sign, smiles, points, and waves encouragement to still more gun owners:

Two shady-looking, mustachioed men stand by their car and peer at the camera: one starts to reach into his inside jacket pocket but his companion puts a hand on him and shakes his head -- so they merely wave and smile. A little old lady on a park bench waves her white gloves at the camera, then reaches into her purse to pull out an automatic. A uniformed traffic cop sees the sign, looks into his holster, realizes his gun is missing, shrugs unconcernedly, looks around at the ground for it, can't find it, shrugs again, and waves a friendly goodbye as the camera moves off. A wedding party on the steps of a church hurl rice at the bride and groom -- all pause upon seeing the oncoming camera, then the groom holds up a pistol, the bride a machine gun, and the wedding guests an assortment of firearms.

As the William Tell Overture reaches its climax, we see one last shot of the people on the truck ...]

Announcer: When you see our Saturday Night truck in your neighborhood, show us your guns!

[Dissolve to a large number of people standing in front of the Briarcliff hardware store, waving their weapons proudly into the camera as we fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously


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