Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 1

75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

Victims of Shark Bite

Phyllis Crawford.....Jane Curtin
Martin Gresner.....John Belushi

[ open on title graphic ]

[ Music Over: "Mack the Knife", Bobby Darin ]

[ dissolve to talk show set ]

Phyllis Crawford: Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford, and welcome to "Victims of Shark Bite." My first guest: Mr. Martin Gresner from Long Island, New York.

[ reveal Mr. Gresner, sitting in a chair with one leg under the other and one sleeve dangling without an accompanying arm ]

Phyllis Crawford: Mr. Gresner.. would you tell our audience just how you became a victim of shark bite?

Martin Gresner: I'd be happy to, Phyllis. Uh.. I was swimming about fifty yards offshore from my summer home in Mattatuck, Long Island. It was high tide, and, all of a sudden, I felt this sharp, piercing pain in my left shoulder. I didn't know what it was at first, uh.. my left arm felt.. numb. Well, my arm was gone. Since then, I've had to learn to do everything with my right hand.

Phyllis Crawford: Just when did this incident take place?

Martin Gresner: [ tilts his head back to think ] Oh, I'd say maybe.. [ his left hand pokes out from under his dangling sleeve as he counts on his fingers ] ..three, four months ago. [ returns his left hand under his sleeve ] I've had, uh.. I've learned how to shave with my right hand, and eat with one hand --

Phyllis Crawford: Excuse me, Mr. Gresner, but it appears to me as though you do have a left arm there.

Martin Gresner: Nope! It's gone, see? [ uses his right hand to toss his dangling sleeve over his shoulder ] Shark bit it off! Nothing there!

Phyllis Crawford: No, Mr. Gresner, that's your sleeve. [ raises his empty sleeve, then flips the side of his jacket to reveal his hidden left arm ] You do have a left arm, and it looks perfectly normal to me.

Martin Gresner: [ lifts his left arm and examines it ] It does?

Phyllis Crawford: Yes.

Martin Gresner: [ taps his left fingers nervously as he looks down at his right leg tucked under his left leg ] Oh, it was my leg! It was my leg! He bit my leg off, see? I have to hop around on one foot, I'm an invalid, I have a wheelchair --

Phyllis Crawford: Uh, Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there, it's tucked under your other leg. [ grabs his right foot and thrusts his leg out ] You see? You're fine! There's nothing wrong with you.

Martin Gresner: Well, I saw that movie where that guy had his leg bit off --

Phyllis Crawford: [ slightly annoyed tone ] We'll be back with another victim of shark bite after this commercial message.

Martin Gresner: [ points to his chin ] I've got a scar here, where my sister pushed me off a porch, and --

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts