Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 1





75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian

The Impossible Truth

Interviewer ... Albert Brooks

[Background music throughout: cheesy, pompous newsreel music. Superimposed title: The Impossible Truth. Cut to a globe and a superimposed text which scrolls past as a cheesy, pompous newsreel narrator reads it:]

Narrator: For years, people have been searching for the truth. Some have been astounded at finding truth. And some never find it and are still astounded. THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH scans the globe looking for the events that will astound everybody; thereby bringing us all closer together. [Cut to a spinning newspaper ("Impossible Truth News") which eventually stops spinning to reveal its headline: CABBIE GOES BLIND STILL DRIVES; Cut to taxi cab parked at curb of New York City street] New York cab driver, temporarily blinded, still puts in forty-five hour week! [Music out. Camera tracks forward to close-up of cab driver who wears dark glasses; an offscreen interviewer calls out to him:]

Interviewer: Excuse me!

Cab Driver: [looks the wrong way] Hm?

Interviewer: Sir? [cabbie turns to camera] Yes, how did this happen to you?

Cab Driver: Well, I was takin' a fare to one o' those movie premieres, you know? You know them big spotlights?

Interviewer: Where they have the lights in the sky?

Cab Driver: Yeah.

Interviewer: Yeah, right.

Cab Driver: I always wondered how they get 'em so bright so I went and stared into it.

Interviewer: Yeah?

Cab Driver: Yeah.

Interviewer: Stared into the light?

Cab Driver: Yeah.

Interviewer: For how long?

Cab Driver: About a half an hour.

Interviewer: Yeah?

Cab Driver: The doctor says it's only temporary, my sight'll probably come back.

Interviewer: Oh, that's good. And yet you still drive?

Cab Driver: Damn right I still drive! What should I do? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streets like the back of my hand.

Interviewer: Yeah?

Cab Driver: That's right.

Interviewer: Well, congratulations.

Cab Driver: Thank you.

Interviewer: Yeah.

[A woman gets in the back of the cab.]

Woman: [to the driver] Fifty-sixth and Madison.

Cab Driver: [to the interviewer] Gotta go now, pal. Got a fare.

Interviewer: Okay.

Cab Driver: [to the passenger] Any cars in front of us?!

Woman: No.

[Cab pulls into traffic. Honking horns artfully segue to more pompous music. Cut to another spinning newspaper with headline: ISRAEL AND GEORGIA TRADE PLACES; Cut to a press conference where, beneath their respective flags, an Israeli and a Georgian sit at a table surrounded by journalists and photographers, signing papers]

Narrator: In an unprecedented move to ease world tensions, the country of Israel and the state of Georgia have agreed to change places. The entire state of Georgia -- residents, businesses, all forms of commerce -- will relocate in the Middle East on January 1st, 1977. No buildings will be moved. It will be an even property exchange. [Music out.]

Israeli: This is indeed an auspicious occasion of the twentieth century and I hope that New Orleans will be easier to deal with than Cairo. [applause]

Georgian: I know - I know that my entire state is looking forward to heat without humidity. [applause]

[Pompous music. Cut to another newspaper: AGE OF CONSENT LOWERED TO SEVEN IN OREGON; Cut to a restaurant where a thirtyish advertising man in a loud checkered jacket sits at a table with a cute six or seven year old girl who eats a salad. In the background, other men sit with young girls.]

Narrator: In a sweeping majority vote, this progressive state has decided to lower the age of consent from eighteen to seven. Businesses of all types report a surge in activity. [Music out.]

Ad Man: [to the girl] Actually, uh, I'm in - I'm in advertising. Here, I'll show ya, this is my company here. [shows girl his business card]

Girl: I can't read yet.

Ad Man: Oh, well, this says that I'm in charge of casting. I cast a lot of people, you know, like yourself.

Girl: Mm hm.

Ad Man: You have very nice cheekbones.

Interviewer: [off screen] Excuse me, sir. I'm with "The Impossible Truth" -- do you live in this area?

Ad Man: No, I'm from L.A.

Interviewer: Ah! Who's your date?

Ad Man: It's just someone I'm talking to here.

Interviewer: Let me ask you something--

Ad Man: Why don't you just leave us for a little while, huh?

Interviewer: All right.

Ad Man: [to the girl] Uh, I'm staying, uh, at the Inn, you know, out by the airport there.

Girl: Yeah?

Ad Man: Maybe, I don't know if you have time ...

Narrator: Although "The Impossible Truth" airs what it must, some things it airs disgusts it. [Pompous music. Cut to another newspaper: THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH PEEKS INTO THE FUTURE; Cut to a woman swimming in a pool] While you are viewing this, "The Impossible Truth" continues to investigate new leads. Like the woman who swims twenty-four hours a day every day of her life. [Cut to man eating a hard-boiled egg] Or the man who can eat a thousand eggs. [Cut to a bespectacled man with a magazine, moving his lips as he reads it] Or the genius with an I.Q. of over two hundred and forty. [Cut to the globe and another superimposed text which the narrator reads:] It should be known that THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH is a fully copyrighted feature. Infringement of that copyright can lead to a long and costly legal battle that we will win. As for now, THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH continues to scan the globe. [Cut to final newspaper with headline reading: THE END]


Submitted Anonymously


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