75a: George Carlin / Billy Preston, Janis Ian
The Impossible Truth
Interviewer ... Albert Brooks
[Background music throughout: cheesy, pompous newsreel
music. Superimposed title: The Impossible Truth. Cut
to a globe and a superimposed text which scrolls past
as a cheesy, pompous newsreel narrator reads it:]
Narrator: For years, people have been searching for
the truth. Some have been astounded at finding truth.
And some never find it and are still astounded. THE
IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH scans the globe looking for the
events that will astound everybody; thereby bringing
us all closer together. [Cut to a spinning newspaper
("Impossible Truth News") which eventually stops
spinning to reveal its headline: CABBIE GOES BLIND
STILL DRIVES; Cut to taxi cab parked at curb of New
York City street] New York cab driver, temporarily
blinded, still puts in forty-five hour week! [Music
out. Camera tracks forward to close-up of cab driver
who wears dark glasses; an offscreen interviewer calls
out to him:]
Interviewer: Excuse me!
Cab Driver: [looks the wrong way] Hm?
Interviewer: Sir? [cabbie turns to camera] Yes, how
did this happen to you?
Cab Driver: Well, I was takin' a fare to one o' those
movie premieres, you know? You know them big
Interviewer: Where they have the lights in the sky?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Yeah, right.
Cab Driver: I always wondered how they get 'em so
bright so I went and stared into it.
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: Stared into the light?
Cab Driver: Yeah.
Interviewer: For how long?
Cab Driver: About a half an hour.
Cab Driver: The doctor says it's only temporary, my
sight'll probably come back.
Interviewer: Oh, that's good. And yet you still drive?
Cab Driver: Damn right I still drive! What should I
do? Sit home and collect welfare? I know these streets
like the back of my hand.
Cab Driver: That's right.
Interviewer: Well, congratulations.
Cab Driver: Thank you.
[A woman gets in the back of the cab.]
Woman: [to the driver] Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Cab Driver: [to the interviewer] Gotta go now, pal.
Got a fare.
Cab Driver: [to the passenger] Any cars in front of us?!
[Cab pulls into traffic. Honking horns artfully segue
to more pompous music. Cut to another spinning
newspaper with headline: ISRAEL AND GEORGIA TRADE
PLACES; Cut to a press conference where, beneath their
respective flags, an Israeli and a Georgian sit at a
table surrounded by journalists and photographers,
Narrator: In an unprecedented move to ease world
tensions, the country of Israel and the state of
Georgia have agreed to change places. The entire state
of Georgia -- residents, businesses, all forms of
commerce -- will relocate in the Middle East on
January 1st, 1977. No buildings will be moved. It will
be an even property exchange. [Music out.]
Israeli: This is indeed an auspicious occasion of the
twentieth century and I hope that New Orleans will be
easier to deal with than Cairo. [applause]
Georgian: I know - I know that my entire state is
looking forward to heat without humidity. [applause]
[Pompous music. Cut to another newspaper: AGE OF
CONSENT LOWERED TO SEVEN IN OREGON; Cut to a
restaurant where a thirtyish advertising man in a loud
checkered jacket sits at a table with a cute six or
seven year old girl who eats a salad. In the
background, other men sit with young girls.]
Narrator: In a sweeping majority vote, this
progressive state has decided to lower the age of
consent from eighteen to seven. Businesses of all
types report a surge in activity. [Music out.]
Ad Man: [to the girl] Actually, uh, I'm in - I'm in
advertising. Here, I'll show ya, this is my company
here. [shows girl his business card]
Girl: I can't read yet.
Ad Man: Oh, well, this says that I'm in charge of
casting. I cast a lot of people, you know, like
Girl: Mm hm.
Ad Man: You have very nice cheekbones.
Interviewer: [off screen] Excuse me, sir. I'm with
"The Impossible Truth" -- do you live in this area?
Ad Man: No, I'm from L.A.
Interviewer: Ah! Who's your date?
Ad Man: It's just someone I'm talking to here.
Interviewer: Let me ask you something--
Ad Man: Why don't you just leave us for a little
Interviewer: All right.
Ad Man: [to the girl] Uh, I'm staying, uh, at the Inn,
you know, out by the airport there.
Ad Man: Maybe, I don't know if you have time ...
Narrator: Although "The Impossible Truth" airs what it
must, some things it airs disgusts it. [Pompous music.
Cut to another newspaper: THE IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH PEEKS
INTO THE FUTURE; Cut to a woman swimming in a pool]
While you are viewing this, "The Impossible Truth"
continues to investigate new leads. Like the woman who
swims twenty-four hours a day every day of her life.
[Cut to man eating a hard-boiled egg] Or the man who
can eat a thousand eggs. [Cut to a bespectacled man
with a magazine, moving his lips as he reads it] Or
the genius with an I.Q. of over two hundred and forty.
[Cut to the globe and another superimposed text which
the narrator reads:] It should be known that THE
IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH is a fully copyrighted feature.
Infringement of that copyright can lead to a long and
costly legal battle that we will win. As for now, THE
IMPOSSIBLE TRUTH continues to scan the globe. [Cut to
final newspaper with headline reading: THE END]