Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3









75c: Rob Reiner

The Bees

.....Rob Reiner
.....Penny Marshall
.....John Belushi

[FADE IN on Rob Reiner and Penny Marshall sitting at a restaurant table with a checkered tablecloth. Behind them, Chevy Chase plays a waiter who is giving a check to a man sitting alone.]

Penny Marshall: Itís getting late. Iíd better get back. Tedíll be wondering where I am.

Rob Reiner: [angrily] Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, itís always Ted! What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: Heís my husband.

Rob Reiner: Heís your husband in name only. YOU know it, and I know it!

Penny Marshall: Canít we discuss this like adults?

Rob Reiner: Oh, you mean like your parents? Who spent their entire married lives living as strangers?

Penny marshall: You sound like my brother Mark.

Rob Reiner: Mark, Mark, Mark, itís always Mark! What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: Honey, you knew when we started this could never last. [touches him under the chin] We both knew it.

Rob Reiner: [passionately grabs her hand] Oh, darling, marry me! Say yes!

Penny Marshall: Oh, please, please donít TORTURE me! You could never leave the kids. And Joyce... Joyce would die.

[Behind Rob and Penny, three Bees can be seen making their way down the stairs. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi, in his red vest, escort Laraine Newman to a table and seat her genially.]

Rob Reiner: Joyce, Joyce, Joyce, itís always Joyce! What about MY feelings?!

Penny Marshall: Besides, I could never leave Ted. Not now. Not since... the accident.

[In his bee costume, Tom Schiller enters from the right and starts playing the old standard ďFascinationĒ on the violin. Another Bee accompanies him on guitar.]

Rob Reiner: He never even knew you existed! And now that heís in a coma, heíll be even less interested!

Penny Marshall: He needs me.

Rob Reiner: He needs you? What about MY feelings?

Penny Marshall: Youíre bitter!

Rob Reiner: Sure, Iím bitter! I have every right to be!

Penny Marshall: The man I fell in love with, the man Iíd trade my husband for, would have understood.

Rob Reiner: [overdramatically] Iím sorry! I just canít help it!

[Jane Curtin, Garrett Morris, and Michael OíDonoghue, all in Bee attire, come down the steps in the rear of the set. Garrett is seated at the table to the right of Laraineís. The musicians keep playing ďFascinationĒ behind Rob and Penny.]

Penny Marshall: [over music] Maybe it isnít meant to be. Maybe weíre just two ships that pass in the night.

Rob Reiner: [looks at her in disbelief] ďTwo ships that pass in the nightĒ?! I feel like Iím in a ďBĒ movie! [calls over to side] Waiter, check, please!

[On cue, John Belushi saunters smoothly up behind Rob, pivots toward him, and holds out a check tray with a slight flourish. Rob stares at him in disgust and suddenly stands up.]

Rob Reiner: All right, thatís it! Thatís it! Stop it! Hold the music. No, no, itís ridiculous!

[The violinist and guitarist stop. Rob steps toward the audience.]

Rob Reiner: No, really, Iím not going to go on with this thing, this is absolutely ridiculous. I, I was told when I came on the show that I would not have to work with the Bees. Now, now, this is, and here they are! I was told, ďNo BeesĒ when I signed on to this. [losing temper] Hereís my BIG dramatic chance to do something, and they, they stick a whole stage full of BEES around me!! Now, now, you saw the first show, you saw with George Carlin, the Bees did not work! And then the second show, hosting, uh, with Paul Simon hosting, the bees were horrendous! Now, I donít have to--how many times do I have to SAY it?! [screaming] I DONíT WANT THE DAMNED BEES!!!

[turns to Bees]

Rob Reiner: Now, do you understand, am I making myself clear? Youíre ruining the show! Will you please leave the stage?!

[Penny Marshall takes Robís arm and tries to calm him down.]

Penny Marshall: [quietly] Robbie, Robbie, Robbie... you donít have to be so hard on the Bees. They just did it because they thought it would help the show.

Rob Reiner: [still furious] Theyíre NOT helping the show! Theyíre RUINING the show!! Honey, I donít need BEES! I donít NEED Bees! Iím a major star! Iím on the number one television show in America!

Penny Marshall: [protesting] Theyíre only bees!!

Rob Reiner: [snaps petulantly] I donít want the BEES!

[John Belushi timidly steps up behind Rob.]

Rob Reiner: [whirling around] What is it?!

John Belushi: [ashamed] Iím sorry if you think weíre ruining your show, Mr. Reiner. But, uh, see, you donít understand. We didnít ask to be Bees. You see, you, youíve got Norman Lear and a first-rate writing staff. [gestures to Bees] But this is all they came up with for us.

[applause]

John Belushi: [passionately] Do you... do you think we LIKE THIS? No. No, Mr. Reiner. But we donít have any CHOICE.

[The other Bees clap heartily while Belushi walks toward them. Rob is sullen and silent for a moment.]

Rob Reiner: I donít know what to say. I feel terrible, but I...

Penny Marshall: I feel terrible.

[Belushi suddenly whirls back around and furiously points a finger in Reinerís face.]

John Belushi: You see, weíre, weíre, weíre just like you WERE five years AGO, Mr. Hollywood, California, number-one-show BIG SHOT!!

[The violinist starts playing ďBattle Hymn of the Republic.Ē]

John Belushi: Thatís right! [gestures to others] Weíre--weíre just a bunch of actors looking for a break, thatís all!

[The antennae on Belushiís head bob slowly back and forth as he points in Reinerís face and shouts.]

John Belushi: What do you want from US, Mr. ROB REINER?! Mr. STAR?! What did you expect? The STING?!

[The audience whoops in approval as Belushi raises a Black Power fist to the others, who return it as he walks backstage. Rob and Penny stand sheepishly still for a moment.]

Rob Reiner: [coughs nervously] I donít know what to say.

Penny Marshall: Well, I, for one, am totally embarrassed.

[walks away]

Rob Reiner: [very quietly] I feel terrible. I thought I made myself perfectly clear that I didnít want the Bees.

[Penny walks back to Rob and puts her arms around him.]

Penny Marshall: Itís all right, honey.

Rob Reiner: Donít say ďhoney.Ē

[FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield


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